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Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?
192 points by lllllll0 on July 4, 2022 | hide | past | favorite | 332 comments
It hasn't really sunk in yet, that in 2 months, we'll be having a tiny human in our hands. While I'm obviously excited, I feel like I've done precious little to really prep myself on what's to come.

Looking back...what do you wish you had done different?

What are some actionable suggestions you'd have for a new father? Habits to modify/cultivate, items to purchase, anything goes...

EDIT: What an incredible thread. Going through each of the replies here...thanks for the responses and advice, everyone!




Find a way to spend quality time with your partner. Once the dust has settled try to book some time where it's just the two of you. Get a babysitter and go out together one night in the week.

Often you're so focused on the baby that years can go by until you realise you've ignored your relationship and then it can be very hard to fix or get back to some normal / happy state.

Same for your regular friendships. Maintain them. The other day someone asked me to name my 3 best friends and all I could come up with was people I knew years ago that I barely speak to anymore.

For me that was the main problem. The kids slept relatively well, ate ok, didn't get sick very often. But they still take up so much time that it's easy to forget about everything else.


As the proud parent of a three year old: don't feel guilty about holidays¹ for two if your kid has a safe and pleasant place to stay. Staying with their grandparents (a common choice) or other trusted guardian helps them experience a different household, and if you start doing this young it is never a big deal.

1: Preferably with lots of intimacy. A good part of our luggage for getaways is sex toys.


Also spend quality time with your job and hobbies too.

Sometimes people become resentful of their kids ("If only I didn't have kids, I'd...")

Your kids will not appreciate such "sacrifices". It's unfair to them. Take care of yourself too.


+1000 Came here just to say this. Aside from being a good parent, you have to focus on your partner and you (that is assuming you want to, if not the case then please disregard). Without that relationship being healthy, everything changes. It spiraled into divorce for me two years later. Doesn’t need to be much, but learn to even go on dates with the baby. You can, and it helps. Flying is also not that bad - if you can, buy a seat for the baby, and you can just bring them on in their car seat. It took me 3 kids before I finally figured it out :) Good luck and congrats!


Always buy seats for your kids! Don't try to hold the baby on your lap; it won't end well for either of you :)

Seat belt extenders for larger fliers are invaluable for getting the car seat buckled in too!


This is one of those things that is always easy to tell others to do on the Internet for self benefit. Post one sentence and guilt trip others into behaving better while not having to change oneself at all. Bravo.

I always wonder if such people who write these comments would themselves commit to a verifiable improvement of their own behaviour in public according to to the norms of others. I'd love to see it :)


Where is the guilt tripping. The advice is sound, get a car seat, consider a belt extender.


Exactly.

Except: do not fly. Go somewhere that requires no flying. This planet thanks you.


Impossible. Family is on the other side of the planet. And also, flying and holidays are the best thing in the world. I will never give it up.


I'm sure some of this was already mentioned, but here it goes...

Read to your children. We set a goal of reading 100 novels to our daughters. We're at #80 and the girls are 13 and 11.

Create some traditions. Whenever either of our daughters lost a tooth, I'd write a letter from the tooth fairy. The letters offered advice, humor, fairy "facts" and even maps to buried treasure they could go dig up. In retrospect, I wish I'd done more creative things like this.

Build things together. Teach your children to use their hands. Clay, crochet, knitting, model building, woodworking, papercrafting, LEGO, playing an instrument, gardening, etc.

Don't rush things. Your young child doesn't need that new gadget or that new app or that new programming language. Stick with blocks, trains, LEGO, puzzles, model rockets, art, dress up, books, etc. as long as you can.

Give your children their freedom and let them fail. Children shouldn't be shielded from the world or from not succeeding. With struggle comes growth.

Always remember, some days of parenting seem to drag on forever, but the years will fly by. Try your best to be present and congratulations!


> Don't rush things. Your young child doesn't need that new gadget or that new app or that new programming language.

Just want to put an emphasis on this. If I were to start over this is the thing I’d keep in mind.

I would try to have more patience, letting it take a few more years to progress through levels (books, movies, games, activities). Not because later stuff is necessarily to advanced or age inappropriate, but because everything you choose to spend time with necessarily means thing you choose not to spend time with.

Be where you are, and enjoy the present, the future will come.

And also, on gadgets, the science on child development and screen time has advanced the last decade. I think the current take is to try to avoid screens entirely the first two years.


> Read to your children. We set a goal of [...]

I would have said "read to them", but it seemed too obvious to mention. I loved reading to my kids at bedtime. I got A LOT better at reading aloud; I think that by the time it ended (they became faster at reading to themselves than I could read aloud), I had become quite an exciting, theatrical reader.

Something episodic, like The Arabian Nights, is useful: "It's bedtime. Do you want to know what happened to AliBaba next?" Books with illustrations are good, for avoiding interruptions like "Dad, what's an elephant?" But not picture-books; there has to be something to read. The Very Hungry Caterpillar is for them to read on their own.

Setting an annual target reading quota seems a bit like over-anxious parenting. Just read for ten minutes, 365 nights per year. You'll have to spend that ten minutes settling them anyway; might as well make it fun for them and yourself.


Fair point about the quota.

In my defense, we didn't set the "100" goal until we were at book 53. I happened to sit down one day and make a list of books we had read and thought, "Wow! That's a lot of books...I wonder if we could get to 100?" So it wasn't an up-front goal. It was more of an afterthought.

But, fair point about having that be the driving force to your reading. Read for the love of being with your children and sharing stories.


> Read to your children.

I’ve been reading to my daughter since she was about 1 year 6 months. She’s 3 years 9 months now. It’s at the point that if she’s naughty I just say. Please pick up your toys or there won’t be a bed time story. And they are picked up quickly! She doesn’t want to miss out on story time.


She's in the right age for my absolutely favourite kids book: "The three little wolves and the big bad pig". I'm in my 30s now, and still think very fondly back to this book, love showing it to my niece and other kiddos.


Just bought this book (used) for my kid based on your comment. Thanks!


Thanks! I added it to my cart on Amazon. Will purchase it when $$$ arrives. Love a good recommendation.


Just want to chime in that Lego is evil. Consumerist crap and the models don't even hold together properly. Try to get a decent metal construction kit. Some old Meccano or Erector set maybe. Nuts & bolts & gears & structural members. None of this obey-the-pictures-and-press-together-all-of-Dads-money stuff.


Just buy the tubs of legos, and let the do what they want. Lego is just fine.


Yes - to reading and traditions. Even if it’s something silly like “ice cream for dinner on the first 90F summer day”


Practice patience; everything you did before will now take at least twice as long.


And don't be surprised when the best laid plans go awry and/or your child has zero interest in what you think is THE world's coolest thing.


Definitive yes to reading! It develops them so quickly AND its a joy to both. Start early, doesnt matter if they dont yet understand. Just listenong your voice and building a habit you both will adore


Yes start early! Very important in my opinion! It’s good bonding too!


>Read to your children.

>Build things together (wood working)

My dad did this, I'm very very glad he did.


Any chance you can share your novel list?


Sure thing. The "To Read" list is always in flux as we discover new books and/or the girls weigh in on what they prefer.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/10Zk9zl9I9posnzkHMEDmYK42...

EDIT: Also, we didn't read them in this order. As I mentioned above, I didn't document this list until we were past 50.


Eleven years olds should be long into the age of reading novels on their own.


I was able to read early on in my childhood but I still enjoyed reading with my parents around that age. As you learn to read yourself it shifts from being read _to_ and instead to reading with your family.


And they do! My girls devour novels in their free time, but still enjoy reading together before bed (or on roadtrips). Best of both worlds!


Your partner is going to need support even if she isn't pushing for it and all seems well, if she's up all night at intervals feeding but you're sleeping well, eventually it becomes irritating. Be willing to do expressed milk or formula feeds in the night, deal with nappies / diapers willingly, make some time off for her by taking the baby out for long walks or car trips when it won't fall asleep etc.

It varies but doesn't be surprised if you don't really feel much about the new arrival until after a few months when it becomes clear there is actually a person in there. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.


My husband is my hero because I rarely changed an overnight diaper that first year. Had to get up to feed/pump, sure. But when the crying wasn't due to hunger...

In fact, we ended up with me being in charge of "input" and him being in charge of "output". As in, I make the overall nutrition decisions, and when he became really worried about the chemical smell of disposable diapers, I did a little shopping to find ones we both could live with (he rejected the idea of cloth diapers), since I agreed the chemical smell probably indicated the presence of stuff our kid was better off not having in contact with his body 24/7, but wasn't as wound up about it as he was. He's also taking the lead on potty training, while I'm the one who's handling most of the execution of that because I'm the one on a part-time work schedule.

In that vein, when one parent cares about something VERY much, and the other kind of cares but not deeply, we've found it best to let the one who cares more have their way... as long as they're willing to do the extra work.

It also really, really helped that he was able to take a month off after our baby was born, and then the first month I was back at work after a year of maternity leave and our kid was starting daycare. This is available to all regular employees in Germany - 14 months of parental leave per child, to be split with at least 2 months to each parent, overlap allowed.

If you can at all swing it, time off that first month is critical if there's not a close relative or friend who will be living with you.


Wow a whole year...

I make 120k and I could only afford my wife not being at work for 2 months. I don't live in a HCOL area. Nearly everyone I know that makes a household income of around 100k right now struggles, and that is with mortgage payments closer to the 1000k mark than my closer to 2000k mark. I'm in my 30's and just bought a home recently, like many my age.

We had to budget hard, food cost in general is high. Add a baby to that, it really hit home. Wife pumped, and it helped offset cost in the first few months. But luckily Wife was able to get back to work in only two months time. I would have loved 6-12 months for her to be at home. But America sucks, and I would need to pretty much make 180k to justify it.


My husband makes about what you do, but I was still pulling in 2k a month on maternity leave: 1800 in Elternzeit (parental leave) pay, plus 200 in Kindergeld (child benefit), so we were fine. We also only had one paid-off, liability-only insured old car and our rather moderate mortgage to contend with.

To be fair, Germany got an awful lot of income tax out of me the ten years previous that I might have otherwise saved and invested, but I’m ok with this - this system means that long maternity leaves are expected and more easily accommodated, and two months of paternal leave is considered doing your minimal fatherly duty.

I will add that our kid is in 500 EUR/mo daycare, even with parents pulling down 1.5 engineering/IT salaries.

The 0.5 is the 20 hour work week my employer was obliged to let me choose during the first 3 years of my kid’s life. After that, I can convert my contract permanently to part-time, or go back to full-time. They can choose to be more flexible, but that’s their minimum obligation. None of my female friends back home in the States has managed to stay in a technically/professionally-demanding job only part-time after kids: they either drop out of paid employment entirely, do something they’re overqualified for part-time, or deal with 40+ hour workweeks to keep doing what they’re good at.

I want Americans to know what’s possible.


Have another kid within 2-3 years. Over the next 16 years you as parents will have hours to yourself every day while the kids keep each other company. Single children spend many more hours a week lonely and the parents have to be their sole family play mates at the expense of their own pursuits, relationship & energy. Adults will never be as fun or engaging a playmate as another kid.

If you keep the gap within 2-4 years then the kids can both enjoy broadly the same activities and schedules. If you let the gap become wider than that, then their needs are too divergent to meet with the same activities. So each day, week & season ends up being more work & complexity.

In the weekends we have to wake up at 6am no matter what because that’s when our 4 yo wakes up. Meanwhile our friends with 2 kids: “sleep in until the kids start arguing“ We f’d it up, it seems so obvious, and we’ve only just realized. No one talked to us about this.


I have a 1 year-old, and we're reconsidering the idea of having more kids. Just 1 baby is already so exhausting, time-consuming, and expensive that we don't think we could take a second one.


I did this strategy and the kids basically were fighting for the first 4 years. With a third child, they actually learned to play together.

Our situation seems to be a little rare though. Most other kids seem to play together well (including me and my sister). It's just our oldest two having incompatible personalities.

But if you can afford it, I'd still recommend getting most of the kids at a younger age. Besides the biological/medical issues of having kids at an older age, you'll also have more time for yourself in your 40s.


Seeing my kids (non-identical twins, 2yrs old) playing together now, I can very much believe this.

We didn't set out to have two at once, but we're really pleased with how it turned out for us.

To the OP - Congratulations. Becoming a father has been an amazing experience for me. I wish you all the best!


On the other hand, with 2-3 children (or more), unless all your children have the same extracurricular activities, you'll spend a lot of time driving/accompanying them to their various activities.

Depending on the children, there can also be a lot of fighting going on, which can be tiring for the parents.

I'd say the jury is still out on the question of the optimal number of children (including zero).


I will just add that I was a much better parent when I only had 2.


Don't worry if you think you are doing it 'wrong', you aren't - just because a book or person says that "the way to deal with x is y" doesn't mean it will work for your kid - everyone is different, and we're all winging it!

As others have said, make sure you carve out time for yourself and partner - I know it can be scary leaving them for the first time - but seriously, you both need it and it will only make it easier if you do.

Talk about how you are feeling, a lot of people will instinctively ask how the mother is doing (perfectly normal thing to do) but often forget to ask how YOU are doing - you are in charge of a life now, so your brain is gonna be going 100mph figuring out how it all fits together. Talk about it.

Don't buy expensive clothes for the first few years, its pointless. They will be destroyed or outgrown before the tags are off!

Remember, they have no reasoning skills or fear. They are a bundle of love that will be moulded based on your input. They will look to you to see how they should (re)act. If they fall off the sofa and are fine, you have 2 choices how you react. Choose wisely!

Oh, and get as much sleep now as you can, you're gonna need it (and won't have it for a while!) :D

Edit: Also, they are fast! Amazingly so! Once they start crawling, they can be in a different part of the house before you have finished that sip of coffee you just took! Magnetic cupboard locks are great at keeping hands away from things.


+ to “we’re all winging it”.

I tried so hard to gently mold and direct my kids (now all grown). I wanted more than anything for them to grow up with confidence (which I lacked as a kid). I tried hard to help them become what I thought everyone would define as “successful”. Pretty much none of it worked. They’ve turned out fine, but they’ve done it their way, on their time table. What I did right was (try to) show them a lot of love. Even that didn’t come through as well as I’d hoped.

What I wish is that I had realized all this sooner and just relaxed and enjoyed the time more.


> Even that didn’t come through as well as I’d hoped

In what way?


> we're all winging it!

This.

Everyone has to do it for the first time; most people never do it more than twice. Kids are incredibly resilient against mediochre parenting (but having an arsehole for a parent can seriously fuck you up, so if you're an arsehole please don't be a parent).


> we're all winging it

My mother has a PhD in child psychology from Harvard. My dad did psychology at Harvard too. They never quite figured it out. The science gets the phenomena accurately - terrible twos, babies worried that their parents have disappeared, etc.

But it doesn't do a good job od telling you what to do. I think the theory actually gets in the way, because there are situations where something applies to 95% of children, and your child is part of the significant 5% which it doesn't.

But it's helped a lot to know that someone as educated as my mom can get it tough, that means winging it isn't so bad.


You will not get any sleep for a long long time. Our oldest didn’t sleep through the night until she was 7! The rest learned to sleep through the night much quicker, but still… get all the sleep while you can now. But, do keep in mind that this too shall pass. All of my kids are old enough that it has been years since I was last kept from getting a full nights sleep because of the kids.

Do not try to be quiet around the baby. People who have signs on their doorbells saying “please don’t ring, the baby is trying to sleep” make us shake our heads. They are clearly new parents who haven’t learned that the last thing you want to do is to train your children to only be able to stay asleep when it is absolutely quiet.

Prioritize your relationship with your wife or SO. The kids will move out eventually, but your wife will (hopefully) still be there. I know people who refuse to ever get away as a couple because one of them don’t want to leave the kids. Leave the kids with someone you trust and get away on a regular basis.


Sleep is definitely a huge issue when they're very small. I would recommend looking into sleep training and some version of letting them learn to self-sooth (aka "cry it out"). It's not for everyone and it can be emotionally difficult on the parents, but typically within just 3 days you can get your kid sleeping through the night and it sticks ~forever. Do a little reading on the topic, and make sure you're prepared to sit through the crying without intervening and your kid is old enough. We did this with both our kids around 6 months and they have slept soundly through the night ever since (oldest is now almost 4). Biggest life upgrade of our parenting experience.


Also on the sleep topic, I would recommend discussing with your SO about how you plan to deal with lack of sleep and increased stress _before_ the baby arrives. When the baby arrives you will quickly be thrown into a high stress situation where both people are operating on very short fuses and things can easily be misinterpreted. Take some time to discuss beforehand what is expected of each other, and how you can plan to deal with lack of sleep and increased stress, so that you hopefully have a plan of attack before you're in the thick of things


On the subject of sleep, there's no point in both staying up if you don't need to. Take it in shifts so you both get rest.


Good advice unless you’re a single parent, like me. I’ve resorted to allowing my 4 year old to sleep in my bed. Otherwise, I don’t get enough sleep and, as it accumulates each night, life becomes very difficult.

I’m told that in some cultures, children sleep with their parents until much older.


they do, and it's not a problem. just make sure your bed is big enough. in south korea i observed families not using beds but each family member having their own mattress that they all roll out next to each other in the shared bedroom. so everyone got their own space, but can be as close or distant as they want. if you think about it it's not much different than if you would go camping.


Great advice

One thing I didn't understand as a new dad is how hard leaving the baby with other people is

It was very difficult the first time, even though obviously they'll be fine. You need to push yourself a little or you never get used to it. Once you've done it a few times it gets much easier. We have some friends that didn't do this and they still can't leave their babies after 18 months


Great question. Read the answers but remember that it's wildly different for everybody. That said:

The life and death matters (sorry):

- Never shake your kid, ever

- Sudden infant death is partly genetic (not your risk/fault), but still: no toys, pillows, plush animals in the crib -> risk of suffocating

The luxury matters:

- Breastfeeding does make a difference. If you can manage, try to do it

- Don't worry. Whatever happens at any point, it's going to be very different soon. Your kid cries a lot / doesn't talk yet / is not dry yet? It will change soon and you'll forget that you even worried about it.

- Adding to before: Don't project into the future. What is now is not indicative of the future

- A lot of things are outside your control. Don't try to control them all, it only grinds you up

- Almost all your challenges are going to be emotional, not rational. Try to invest in empathy, care for all three of your family

- Music is magic. Sing for your kid. Don't worry, it doesn't know or care what good/bad singing is

- Body contact is magic. Hold your kid close to your skin as much as possible

- Some people think kids are inherently evil and need to be broken. Some people think kids are inherently good and need to be left to their own devices completely. Both are wrong: Kids need guidance but want respect.

- Take your kid seriously, always. Even as a toddler.

Obligatory medical stuff:

- The most frequent injuries are toddler fractures (careful with trampolines) and elbow subluxations. When you hold your kid's hand and they fall, try not to pull and twist the arm or the joint will pop out. If it does, don't worry, it doesn't hurt, but go see a doctor within a few hours to pop it back in. The longer you wait the harder it gets.

- If there's a fever and it's really tough, you can alternate ibuprofen and tylenol up to every 3 hours. Take care to use fractional doses by weight. Always have some sort of NSAID in your house.

That's a small selection. Maybe you won't encounter them, but maybe you will, and maybe they'll help.

Having a kid is a challenge, but it makes life much more.


This is a great list. I'm going to ride your coat tails with some of my favorites. I'm a father of 3 little ones, FWIW.

- Take all parenting advice with a grain of salt, everyone's sample size is too low.

- (Related) Each kid is very different. It's kind of wild how different they are and mine are still very little.

- By default you're likely to raise your kids as the average of how you and your spouse were raised. If either of you didn't like your upbringing you probably want to consider some kind of outside help to change your course sooner rather than later.

- OP said "It hasn't really sunk in yet" -- I just wanted to say this was the same for me. For all three kids! I was aware my wife was pregnant but it never really clicked until the baby was there.

- Months 1-3 were my least favorite. A tiny infant is a sort of alien, and very fragile. Somewhere around 3-6 months they'll look at you and smile and your heart will melt.

- You'll be fine!


^ Take all parenting advice with a grain of salt, everyone's sample size is too low.

100% concur and well said!

^ Months 1-3 were my least favorite. A tiny infant is a sort of alien, and very fragile. Somewhere around 3-6 months they'll look at you and smile and your heart will melt.

Can't remember if it was 3, 6, 9 or 12 months but yeah. I've always told soon-to-be parents not to be surprised that it doesn't feel like a real person on day 1. And that the first 6-12 months are largely janitorial.


> Don't project into the future. What is now is not indicative of the future

For me, this is key. The early years were hard on me. I’m a hobby-driven introvert, and having kids felt like a major sacrifice of the personal time I was used to. I learned a lot about myself and my needs in the process.

I loved my kids more than anything, but I also teetered on regret for some time. I’d see other dads seem to revel in parenthood and be unequivocally joyful in their decision, and I’d feel ashamed. I feared I wasn’t cut out to be a parent.

Now my kids are 5 and 8, and it’s completely different. Parenting has become much more fun and fulfilling. I look forward to weekends with my kids, chatting with them, encouraging their interests, taking family vacations, family movie nights, and so on. They still drive us nuts on a regular basis, but it's a joyful life, and it’s night and day from the toddler years.

Hopefully you’ll have a smile on your face all the way through! But to the extent you don’t, remember that it’s always changing. Some stages change in weeks or months, others take years. Hang in there, do the best you can, and take it a day at a time.

Also: Be honest with yourself and your partner about your needs. I always was reluctant to ask for alone time because my wife is an extrovert. But I needed it to be a decent human. My wife and I both learned this the hard way. ;)

Congratulations! This is the biggest and most important adventure you can take. <3


> For me, this is key. The early years were hard on me. I’m a hobby-driven introvert, and having kids felt like a major sacrifice of the personal time I was used to. I learned a lot about myself and my needs in the process.

> I loved my kids more than anything, but I also teetered on regret for some time.

Basically my issue right now but it's getting better with time. That said, it's hard to imagine ever taking the plunge with a second one (even if we weren't too old for that anyway).


> Breastfeeding does make a difference.

The difference it makes is measurable, but there are lots of other factors. On a macro scale, it absolutely makes sense to encourage breastfeeding, but mothers who can't or don't want to nurse can feel a lot of pressure and shame about it. Nursing feels like a big decision, but on an individual scale the only thing that's important is: is the baby getting their nutritional needs met. And formula does that just fine.


In my experience with nursing everybody plans this as a binary election nursing / formula when you can mix it and do 80% nursing 20% formula


> is the baby getting their nutritional needs met. And formula does that just fine.

Formula does not seed and nourish their gut microbiome. Look it up.


Oh I forgot one important thing:

When you become a parent, you suddenly join an invisible world-wide club. Parents empathize and help each other instinctively in many cases. People will come to your aid when you would never expect it. Accept the help. And pass it on when you see others struggling.


After having my first child, I have nothing but empathy for all other parents. Prior to stepping into father hood, I would (naively and constantly) judge other parents, telling myself I would never raise my kid like that.

Nope.

We all have constraints: familial support, financial support, etc.

We're all really doing the best we can.


> Don't project into the future. What is now is not indicative of the future.

This is fantastic.

Nobody cares that the neighbor kid started walking at 8 months while yours hasn't yet. It doesn't mean anything. You'll barely remember yourself in a year or two.


Also, if your child is taking an antibiotic, say for an ear infection, don’t give them milk and medicine at the same time. It upsets their stomach, and they will vomit it all back up… and then some.


To add - most people don't take antibiotics seriously. Please do take all of your subscription as long as your doctor says you should. Otherwise, you're breeding resistant germs.


Everyone should listen to the advice of their doctors.

But I just thought I’d point out that the evidence that unconditionally finishing an entire course of antibiotics actually is necessary turns out to be very poor: https://www.bmj.com/content/358/bmj.j3418

If you think about it, it doesn’t really make sense. Prolonging an antibiotic course will increase, not decrease, the chance of organisms becoming resistant, and finishing a course of an antibiotic will by definition not kill resistant organisms anyway.


Thanks, I didn't know this. My doctors' unilateral stance was in favor of fixed treatment durations.

The paper you linked reads more like an opinion piece to me (not my field, cannot judge), but it points to this meta-analysis [1] which supports your argument. Surprising that so few studies seem to exist on this link (~20 in the meta analysis).

[1] https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20483949/


I don’t go to the doctor often, but after having a kid, WOW you will get wildly different “best practices” from different doctors. Try to not over index on one physician’s advice.


The one thing I wish someone would have told me with my first is that it's OK if you don't feel an immediate connection or affection to your newborn.

I was expecting to immediately fall in love with the little bundle but his blank stare was a little creepy.

No one told me they don't smile or express any emotion, other than pissed off when they're crying. I was expecting him to smile and be happy when he saw me. When I picked him up, his face didn't change and he might as well have been looking at the wall.

Then about 3 weeks in, it happened. He did smile at me when I picked him up... or maybe it was just gas - either way, I didn't care. I was undone. I immediately knew I'd do anything for that boy. I loved my son.

Second one was easier, cause I knew what to expect but that first smile is still the absolute best moment being a dad.

They change your life. My pathetic selfish life was forever changed as I held that tiny, helpless baby. It's so worth it.

I have 7 kids, I work from home so I can homeschool them. I wouldn't trade it for the world.


Any tips about homeschooling? I am a father of one year old twins. I also work from home to spend time with them.


First and most important thing to know about homeschooling is: If you're trying to recreate how the public school does it, you're doing it wrong. None of the families I know that tried to mimic public school have continued homeschooling. It's too hard on both the kids and parents.

Homeschooling has so much more freedom. You don't need a desk or set hours to do subject A. You don't need thick textbooks or long lectures (although your kids might want those as well).

We've always focused on teaching our kids how to learn. Once you get them there, they can find their way to anything they need for the rest of their lives.

In the early years (think k-3rd), that means they need the skills of reading and writing and basic math. There's a lot of repetition required to get those skills. Those are the hardest homeschool years.

We focus on unit studies on subjects that the child is interested in. If it's Dinosaurs, we read history about dinos, watch videos on science about dinos, do math about dinos, visit museums, go fossil hunting - dive deep into everything dinos and the child hardly knows they're learning along the way as their interest is driving and motivating them. Soon enough, dinosaurs aren't fun anymore so we plod along until the next thing catches their excitement and now we're studying the history of cars, the science of cars, we're out in the garage working on the car...

These are teachable moments and we have to take advantage of those opportunities to take leaps forward in learning.

There will be some things they aren't interested in that they need to learn anyway. We sprinkle those 'have to learn' things in with the 'fun to learn' and try to keep the knowledge gaps at a minimum.

Teaching them how to research, where to find information (book and experiencial), is the best thing they can learn because it will help the learn anything else they'll need in life.

Don't forget moral training. That's where local homeschool co-ops and enrichment programs can be helpful so your kids can share social experiences in a learning environment.

As a wise man once said about raising kids, the days are long but the years are short. Make the most of them.


Uh at least a few university years of study for basic teaching pedagogy and then knowing how to teach the curriculum.


Oh, and expect to get teary eyes reading comments like this :)


In the newborn phase: sleep is hard. Mindfully try to get your sleep whenever possible. Long term sleep deprivation is really brutal on the body and mind.

In general: Kids thrive on consistency. If you're a gamer than think of it this way: You are now an NPC. Your role is to show up every day, keep them fed and healthy every day, give them their quests, and then stand back and give them the opportunity to be the hero.

Also a really specific tip I would give myself: Don't introduce iPads at all. I'm not against screens, I would just suggest bringing in more wholesome gaming like a Switch or 2DS or maybe even a Steam deck. The problem with the iPads (and Androids too) is that the App store is a dumpster fire of trashy microtransaction and lootbox based games, many of them deliberately designed to manipulate children. Hopefully a lot of those patterns are made illegal soon.


Learn how to properly install the car seat. Lots of places, including fire depts, have clinics and can check your work. Do this well before you go to the hospital. Last thing you want is to be fiddling with it and unsure as you head home

Learn how to fold and unfold the stroller. They seem easy, but most have a trick.

Do the night care if you can, especially in the early weeks. Let mom sleep as much as possible. Give her time to take a shower, have a nap, etc.

She's going to have "bad days" and snap/yell. Don't take it personally; her hormones are all over the place! See previous note about giving her time/space :)

You're going to dress/feed/play with the baby differently than she wants. It's ok. As long as the baby isn't too hot/cold the outfit doesn't really matter.

It really does all go by faster than you think it will... my first-born twins just graduated college after being born about 7 months ago :)


Bring a large water bottle to the birth.

Go to one of those newborn classes and learn how to change a diaper and swaddle at the minimum.

(If applicable) split the night into two shifts to maximize uninterrupted sleep.

Listen to your gut. You're ultimately responsible for your baby. If something doesn't feel right, then speak up and set boundaries with the other people in your life. Do it from the start, preferably. But if you get talked into something you later change your mind on, then say so and enforce those boundaries.

(If applicable) when you get back from the hospital, the mother will need a prescription filled. Bring her and the baby home, and then figure out all the prescription stuff that day for her. Read all of the doctor's orders and then later when she gets some rest, summarize them for her. (E.g. if she nurses, she may need to stop some prescriptions.)


>(If applicable) split the night into two shifts to maximize uninterrupted sleep.

My wife still tells people about how grateful she was for me proposing this. We each had a guaranteed 6 straight hours of sleep: I slept 9pm to 3am, and she slept 4am to 10am. We used the hour between to update me on any concerns there might've been, but usually to watch TV together on the couch.

For my advice, I swear by the Mayo Clinic Guide to Your Baby's First Year (https://www.amazon.com/Mayo-Clinic-Guide-Babys-First/dp/1561...).

Also, I tried to enforce a rule of no visitors staying longer than a few minutes, except our parents. People were free to drop off food or whatever, peek in for a look, but then they needed to leave. We couldn't entertain, and no matter what visitors claim, they did impose. Once he was 2 months old, one of us would occasionally take him to family's houses while the other stayed home to sleep.

My last advice is don't hesitate to contact the pediatrician with a question soon after getting home. Ideally, the first contact should be for an insignificant thing. Use the experience to learn the proper phone numbers or message systems, and get a sense of how long it takes for them to respond. Pediatricians are used to panicky parents with dumb questions, so don't worry about pissing them off.


no matter what visitors claim, they did impose

this is probably very different for everyone, and is also culturally dependent.

i never felt that visitors were imposing, and i have even been couchsurfing with people who had infants. (they would not have offered to host, if that was a problem). it mostly comes down to the understanding that as a guest, you are not a priority. when we had guests, they would march right into the kitchen and make themselves useful, and otherwise hang around and chat without disturbing what else was going on.


I readed the same book. It's a great book and well structured, if you live in the USA specially because there is information about USA lifestyle like medical insurance or babysitting


The shift thing really did not work for my partner and me, with our first kid, so we didn't even attempt it for our second (who is now a month old).

What we tried: I would pump some milk before heading to bed @ ~10am, and he would stay with the baby and give her the expressed milk. At around 1-2am, we'd switch.

Why it didn't work: * I am really bad at getting to sleep, especially if I know I have to get to sleep. So I wouldn't get to bed til 11/12, and then I'd have to wake up soon after. (Relatedly, I'm incapable of napping). * The baby wasn't particularly happy with the bottle feeding and my partner was pretty stressed out by trying to keep her from crying and interrupting my sleep.

What we do now: I co-sleep with the baby in a floor mattress all night, so it's easier for me to drift in and out of sleep. My partner sleeps in a bed in a different room so that he can maximize his sleep hours and be functional during the day to help out with chores and cooking. So yeah, it's pretty much all me at night, but that's the reality of breastfeeding. My partner would breastfeed if he could, but alas, biology. (And yes, co-sleeping isn't approved by AAP, so you'll need to decide for yourself if you think its safe).

Anyway, everything depends on each mother/baby/father. Experiment, see what works/doesn't work for you!


co-sleeping/bed-sharing worked well for us.

co-sleeping isn't approved by AAP

it looks like that is changing, ever so slightly:

https://www.savvyparentingsupport.com/new-aap-sleep-guidelin...


All my children have slept next to the mother at first. Of course, IF mother is exceptionally hard sleeper and/or overweight, this MIGHT be somewhat dangerous. But in all other cases its imho SO much better for the both of them. Afaik most mothers are during that time SO light sleepers, that even when baby coughs, they check whats up and fall asleep again.


1. Your life will be utterly transformed. My child has been a source of wonder and joy, but also immense challenge. Stop comparing to your previous life, you gotta dive into it.

2. Get fit. You'll likely end up needing to carry a lot of baby and toddler stuff for some time.

3. Grow your empathy muscle. It isn't easy being a newborn or a kid. There's so much they don't understand, get confused or frustrated about. So when they cry, tantrum or rebel, realize they're just trying to make sense of things but don't have the language or capacity to express them.

Be intentional on how you spend time with your kid, listen and observe them as away to connect.

4. Be intentional about connecting with your child. Some folks think there's this magical connection that exist the moment the baby is born. It wasn't the case for me. I wanted a kid but I had to intentionally understand and make that connection with my kid. For me, that meant talking to my newborn, pretending like she understood me, even if she's just a week old. See #3. re: building empathy.

5. Stay connected with you partner at all times. In the beginning, it'll be like hurricane ripped through your lives. In the beginning, staying connecting is making sure you know how to support her. End of the day, she has it tougher with you with all the body changes and breastfeeding demands (if she choose that) to do.

As you two figure things out, go from "all hands on deck mode" to being a pro at changing diapers, make time for connecting and learning to be a couple with a kid and without a kid (when you're kiddo is in daycare).

6. You're gonna buy a lot of baby stuff you'll end up not needing. It's fine, you're figuring this out by trying things.

7. Baby-led Weaning was amazing for us. No purees. No special "baby food". At six months, our kid ate with us on the table, same food as us. Really helps their independence, easier on groceries, and helps to bond eating the same thing together.


> Get fit. You'll likely end up needing to carry a lot of baby and toddler stuff for some time.

This is good advice, but there are far more reasons than that IMO. For one thing, somebody needs to keep up with their kid(s) not just in physical effort level but in the overall energy/initiation/will sense, and a regular exercise habit helps develop that as well. I've stayed in shape, my wife hasn't, and the difference that has made in how we each interact with our daughter has been profound.

It's also important to set a good example. Just being seen exercising regularly will help normalize it for your kid, helping them develop their own exercise habits early (when it's easier) instead of having to "catch up" later in life when their metabolism shifts and the pounds have already started piling on. It's also a good example in general, of exhibiting a self discipline that they might learn to emulate.


> Get fit. You'll likely end up needing to carry a lot of baby and toddler stuff for some time.

Spot on. Grew up as an athlete, thinking I'd be impervious to dad bod. Nope. It happens, very gradually, then all at once. Seriously — it'll be difficult but establish a self-care routine that incorporates both physical and mental exercise.


> 7. Baby-led Weaning was amazing for us. No purees. No special "baby food". At six months, our kid ate with us on the table, same food as us. Really helps their independence, easier on groceries, and helps to bond eating the same thing together.

Totally! Only limiting factor are the teeth.


Also, no honey before 12 months because of that weird bacteria in it they can't handle yet.

But yes! Baby food may save time, but you can easily make pureed vegetables yourself (plenty of advice in books with tips on how to round out their dietary needs). Ice cube trays are useful if you prepare it in batches. Just defrost as many as you need before hand. We never gave our kid store bought baby food, and by age one he was eating along with us. At age three now he's a great eater.


Some things I’d do again:

The amount of work in your life has now more than effectively doubled- find ways to remove load as quickly as possible . There are laundry, cleaning , food services etc and you should use them to the point of feeling guilty. My wife’s work gave her $4000 in meal kits for our daughters first year driven by her very hard-nosed boss (and former working mom) - we can all emulate her wise example.

Don’t be bullied by parents and family on kids. As others have said their advice is pretty limited to their experience and after a few days may be / may not be helpful. For me the biggest help of grandparents was in keeping the older kids occupied when new arrivals came.

Be careful around water. Accidental drownings are super easy with this set.

Some things I’d do differently :

Get work squared away so you can support mom. If she’s breastfeeding there’s a lot of load she’s going to bear and having work stuff interfere will make you tired and ineffective.

Sleep more. I’ve never been so tired as my first who refused to sleep consistently for three months.

Some super biased thoughts on stuff:

I get every new parent in my life a set of Aden and Anais Muslim swaddle blankets - family, friends , coworkers. Good swaddles make your life so much easier.

Start a college savings fund and tell everyone you’d prefer they contribute to that vs plastic junk. You might get a few takers on something with enduring value.

You are about to get a tsunami of useless crap from lots of well(?)-meaning people in your life. Keep a pretty clear shot for the useless things to go to donate or other parents. 80% of what you receive rounds to useless.


> Start a college savings fund and tell everyone you’d prefer they contribute to that vs plastic junk. You might get a few takers on something with enduring value.

Such a great idea. Alternatively, get a snow shovel to use when cleaning up the house because there will be a lot of plastic junk.


As a father of four (soon five) - resist temptation to buy gadgets (simple walkitalkies are ok), love your partner, tell her shes beautiful and sexy and not AT ALL looking like a whale (because thats what she thinks and its not true), dont be afraid to handle the baby (they are not made of china, really. You really need to screw up to hurt them and you WILL NOT).

Be prepared of sleepless nights (take turns when baby cries). Receipe for calming crying baby Check the nappy, if thats ok, its feeding time (if not medically impossible, prefer the real thing. There are helpers if it seems its not working. 99,9% women will have milk. You love titties, babies do too). If that does not help, just walk around and talk with it. Take turns.

Its not that complicated actually - gets harder when they learn to speak :D


Oh, and tell them you love them. As often as possible. It gets harder and harder if you skip. And keep them on your lap and hug them - physical closeness goes a mile in settling a colicky baby and a toddler thats afraid or hurt themselves. Yours (and mommys) embrace is the ultimate cure - but only if you prescribe it often.


Father of a 9-months old here. Here are two things I recently wrote to a friend who was in your position:

Choreography

I set up a nappy-change table that folds out on our bathroom wall. That was a bit of a coincidence but I am really happy that I put it there. It's the perfect spot with access to the sink, the washing machine and the nappy bin. It's worth thinking a bit about because you will be using it during the middle of the night, holding the baby with one hand and needing to throw out the diaper with the other, followed by cleaning up nasty stuff all over. And you will be doing this in a sleep deprived state, with a baby screaming into your ear, making it feel like a military stress test of sorts. The same applies to bottle routine -- if you are going to sterilize them, are they easy to get from there to drying to usage etc.

Stress

One thing that is at the same time super frustrating and a huge relief is that the stress keeps changing character. Every time you think you've found a routine, suddenly the trick that used to work for calming down now seems to do the opposite. But conversely, the thing that was the cause for tantrums is suddenly not a problem at all, and might even trigger smiles. I try to keep this in mind every time I do something for the 14th time that is really annoying.


Two kids, one in 89 and one in 92. Boys. Think we did a pretty good job.

Be kind, to the extent you can.

We all of us are human. You will lose your temper, you will embarass yourself in the grocery store. Forgive yourself and try to do better next time.

If your kid drops something and it breaks then being angry will make them more nervous and more likely to break it next time. Try to just acknowledge the error, say it is very little, and urge them to be a tad more careful next time. Of course, sometimes you will be angry. See the prior paragraph.

Remember Mr Rogers. Kids need to know they are loved and cherished. That doesn't mean giving them an award every time they clean their room -- they need to be responsible just like any other person -- but it does mean to try to be kind. If you are wondering whether you should say that you are glad you were able find the time together to play catch, then you should say that.


Breastfeeding doesn't necessarily happen automatically. It can take practice, time and effort for the mother and baby to learn how to do it. It is easy for the mother to get really frustrated, especially after surgery when she's in pain and sleep deprived. Do what you can to support her while she's figuring it out.

Breastfeeding is healthier and absolutely worth it, but don't be ashamed if you need to resort to a little formula sometimes. There's a weird, toxic culture that's grown in recent years where women are shamed if they formula feed, even if it's just as a supplement.

We've given birth at hospitals in 3 difference states, and in each one there was an uncomfortable tension between the lactation consultants and the doctors/nurses, who would often given conflicting advice. It took a couple of weeks for our first baby to learn how to nurse because he was in the NICU, so he had formula. The other two picked it up quickly, but we still supplemented with a little formula in the hospital the first couple of days because they lost too much weight (10%+) and were dehydrated.

Most of the lactation consultants we encountered were often scoldy, pushy and dismissive, and would treat my wife as a failure for allowing her kid to drink formula (even when the doctor strongly recommended it). It was really weird.


Better than formula is to freeze milk. Formula can quickly be preferred solution for the baby, so far that she/he'll refuse to suckle. And thats not good for the baby nor the amount of extra work (and money!) for the parents..


Make sure you (both) take enough time off. Find help so you can take at least one night out a week together. Everyone seems to have their own advice (e.g. literally had two nurses back to back give different advice...aka opinions), you've got to figure out your own, sometimes not perfect way. The kid will adapt, even when you make mistakes.

A lot of pediatricians seem incompetent. Double check their recommendations / work. e.g. "your baby didn't grow" -> "no, you weighted AND measured him wrong, do it again" -> "oh.". If you choose no circumision, American pediatricians seem to have zero idea what to do.

Monitors, we tried video + just sound monitors. Semi-obviously in retrospect, the video ones a) work less well b) take more of your focus. I've read the same about smart-monitors (no first hand), their unreliability ends up making things more stressful.

Stuff to buy for the start; wipewarmer (calmer changing time, as you don't put cold wetwipes on the baby), thermometer (for when you think they're too hot / cold constantly), tiny nail clippers or grider (as, their nails are sharp AF - cut you and themselves), if using formula a Baby Brezza mixer / warmer (it makes warm milk for you in seconds, rather than manually in minutes) + a bottle sterilizer to save time.


> If you choose no circumision, American pediatricians seem to have zero idea what to do.

I got tag-teamed by the pediatrician and my wife, both suggesting I was some kind of monster for questioning the need for the circumcision.


Did you give in?

I mentioned this in another post, but this is completely unfathomable for most parents outside of the US excepting Jews and Muslims. It's also a very weird phenomenon culturally: the fact that it is so common in the US (between 20% and 95% or something like that varying by US state) is a surprise to many outside of it — and conversely, that most cultures don't do this at all seems to surprise many Americans.


> but this is completely unfathomable for most parents outside of the US excepting Jews and Muslims.

Yeah! This is the third or fourth time I read about circumcision in the responses (after lots of answers, some for some against it), and I'm thinking WTF is wrong with all these people! For context, I'm from Europe, and circumcision is absolutely a non-topic here..


> Did you give in?

I did. I've apologized to him (he's sixteen now) that I did back then. He understands, but agrees he would have been on my side of the argument.


The days, weeks, and months when they are small seem to last forever. 18 years passes and suddenly they're an adult, and it's ... really not that long.

But for the time being:

* Sleep when the baby sleeps. Their schedule is not going to mesh with yours for a while, and you'll be sleep deprived.

* Every kid is different, and half of the advice you get will not work for your kid. Even with the same genetics, they're still different people.

* You will probably get very used to puke, pee and poo.


> Sleep when the baby sleeps. Their schedule is not going to mesh with yours for a while, and you'll be sleep deprived.

This needs to be the top comment. You cannot imagine what constant or regular (e.g. every 2nd night) sleep deprivation will do to your brain and/or body.

Also, if possible, take as much time of from work as you can. Those early days will never come back and you can't make some memories again.


I'm 4 months in with my first kid. Here's what I think matters.

1. Organization is key. We meal plan for the week every Sunday afternoon. We both installed ToDoIst on our phones and have a specific list of tasks for every day of the week. We track our daughter's data using Huckleberry (great app) and it's helped us make sure her naps and feeding are on schedule.

2. Weekly retrospectives for the family make a difference. Both of you will have things that didn't go well. That stress you out. That aren't working. You need to have a safe time to raise them and work together to solve the problem. For us, that's usually adding a new weekly task to one or both of our ToDoIst lists.

3. Your relationship will suffer. You're both stressed out and lacking sleep. Forgive each other. Swallow your pride.

4. Read the AAP book on young children. Its 800 pages but the first few chapters are what matters. The rest is mostly a reference. (American Academy Of Pediatrics - Caring for Your Baby and Young Child)

Good luck. Its a journey.


Your life will be destroyed and you will become a slave to a helpless human. There is a significant chance that your relationship with the mother will be end within a few years.

You can build a new life with your partner and the helpless human but it will be very hard work, especially if your child arrives with health issues.

Existing parents don't talk about all of this to those who are not yet parents. It's a big, secret, suffering club.

Hopefully it'll all be worth it for you because you already bought membership of the club!

P.S. Read Brain Rules For Baby. I bought it based on a recommendation on HN a few years ago. It explains the early years using science. I recommend it to everyone.


> P.S. Read Brain Rules For Baby. I bought it based on a recommendation on HN a few years ago. It explains the early years using science. I recommend it to everyone.

Just ordered. Thanks for the suggestion!


- Being a mom is HARD. 1000x harder than you expect and 1000x harder than any job. A good dad can fill in for mom on ANY task on ANY day. Start learning what moms do early and fill in for them every chance you get. My motto was always "When I'm at work, we're both at work. When I'm at home, we're both at work."

- By default the working parent, usually the dad, is going to be out of the loop. The working parent must spend a considerable amount of time trying to be present and in the loop. Kids will not naturally care as much about the working parent unless they are around (and even then they'll still be at a disadvantage).

- You never need to yell at your children. Typically this signals a failure of some kind. Imagine yelling at work, at your wife, at your parents, etc being the right solution to some problem. In the early years, the best way to prevent your children from doing something you don't want them to do is not to put them in the position to do it at all - i.e. Don't give them room to fail. In the later years positive reinforcement is 1000x more effective than negative reinforcement.

- In the early years you're going to worry a lot about whether your causing forever damage by doing X rather than Y. Basically nothing you do in the first 1-3 years matters, so you can relax.

- If you can afford it, have one parent stay at home. It is by far the most harmonious arrangement. Running a household (chores, food, child planning, etc) is a full time job and having two working parents split that job is difficult, expensive, and assumes child-care provides as good of care as you yourself would provide to your own children.

- The first 3 years are by far the hardest. They are grueling. If you are planning on having multiple kids, get them all done with as soon as you can. Once they get older than 3 it is 1000x easier to manage and really opens things up out of survival mode.


It's a 25 year (minimum) project. Make decisions and guide yourself patiently by the project's end goal of creating an intelligent, appreciative, caring, contributive and tolerant human being into this world. But like any long-term project, enjoy the journey, smell every rose and every stiff guinea pig or floating celestial goldfish along the way. Don't panic and crash - nor get overly enthusiastic about - any particular moment or new behavior or trend. You discover that the parenting story is an accumulation of a thousand phases of development. These phases, especially early on, can last as little as a couple of weeks. At onset, they create much anxiety in the new parent. But have confidence that they will always change into something new either more or less pleasing/frustrating. Certainly agree with the excellent sentiments shared above, reading, creating traditions, traveling. But consistency of discipline, values and emotions will always win in the long-term project goal. Just please don't be another parent who thinks their kids are the best, can do no wrong, and coddles the living shit out of future megalomaniacs. Other than that, should be a cake walk.


Father of a one year old. Research and implement sleep training when the baby is 3 months old or so. We’re now the parents that put the baby down at 7:30 PM, walk away, and enjoy our evenings. The baby doesn’t get taken out of bed until 8 AM. Many of our friends have babies that need heroics to fall asleep and then they have to constantly wake up in the middle of the night to soothe the baby back to sleep.


Along this line, learn how to swaddle, or firmly wrap, your newborn. Amazing calming effect on child when done well.

Breastfeeding is natural.


Sample size: 1.


At least in my case, sample size: 6, we socialize with other parents of babies of a similar age. 2 other couples did sleep training and reported similarly good results, 3 other couples did not and report terrible sleeping habits. It costs nothing and takes a couple of weeks to implement, and the whole family reaps the benefits.

Do you have an argument against sleep training?


For the birth, it goes slowly. Waters break but it's still quite a while before the kid comes. Don't panic and don't spend all your energy at once.

Don't hesitate to get a c-section. If you need it, ask for it. Both my kids would have died if it wasn't for that. It's completely routine for the doctor, I even heard them talking about their shopping while pulling out my daughter.


I regret not asking for a c-section explicitly. Coming from a traditional south-indian background I hesitated electing a c-section beforehand, trusting the doctor will take the best decisions based on the situation. I was wrong. The doctor pushed it too far and my baby had to be NICU-ed for a couple of days and even worse, I still have PTSD witnessing the trauma my spouse had to go through.

I should have simply listened to my intuition and asked for c-section upfront.


Perhaps your doc made the wrong call but people without medical knowledge shouldn't be making medical decisions either.


What did your spouse want? Was she out of commission? If you're not the one giving birth and not the responsible doctor it's not your call to make, is it?


Not every culture is the same as yours, and yours is not correct in all occasions.


Thank you. Seriously I could not believe that was written by a man.


She was in the same state of mind. We both left it to the doctor to decide. And that turned out to be a poor choice.


The rate of birth depends on the mother/baby, though its true that the first birth is often much slower. I'm a mother that just had my second, and labor escalated so quickly this time that my partner didn't believe how close I was and I nearly didn't get to the hospital on time. So, trust your partner, and if she thinks she needs to go to the hospital, just take her (or call them up and ask for advice, I had the advice line on speed dial).


Father of 3 here; 1 year, 4 years and a 7 year old. I was also nervous about first kid, I only have few things. Every kid is different, but there are always some generic things to say.

Relax, kids mirror your emotions and can feel if you stress. Even if you are up mid night and are stress about sleep. Just take it easy. Kids don't do it to be mean. They don't have those kind of thoughts.

Kids are simple. They want affection, food and sleep. But they can't get any of it on their own. To begin with, they barely even know if they have feet and hands. So it's your job to help em out.

Babies can be crying or complaining for many reasons; Maybe something is itchy, they are hungry or need to poop. So relax, it's not always something bad. Give them some love, check their diaper, keep tabs on the time since last feed.

First time is always bad. First couple of weeks is just stress. You need to get into a new rytm, but it gets much much better after 2-3 months, where their stomach settles in, they settle in and you can start to enjoy it much more.


Father of five here. I don't have specific suggestions other than to realize that your life as you've known it up until now is forever changed. Life's greatest joys have come to me because of my children, but also my greatest challenges. It can be absolutely exhausting to feel such joy and such pain at the same time. It took me awhile to bond with each of my kids. That became much easier for me as they began to develop a personality and talk. And every one of my kids was a completely different experience.


Something I wish I'd learned much sooner: From birth, be unfailingly patient, warm, and loving with the little bugger, no matter how frustrated you might be feeling. Matter-of-factly communicating unhappiness with him* is fine, but never, ever get angry with him — when he's "misbehaving," talking back, etc., it's because his brain and its "programming" are still developing and he doesn't have nearly as much control as you might imagine, or as you think he ought to.

* Or her, of course.


> be unfailingly patient

In concrete terms. When being late for work and getting the kid to daycare and they just absolutely insist they cant leave without having correct coloured socks.

Take a deep breath. Realise that that work probably can wait an hour, and that being heard and getting needs respected probably is much more important for your kid, and the colour of the socks might actually not be the real issue if you just take the time to figure it out


And at the same time, when you inevitably fail at the unfailing part, apologize to them and then just try to do better. Strive for unfailing, but also understand that you'll never achieve it while yet we are but mortal flesh.


On top of that VERY correct advice - agree with your sign other to take such loads separately - as one can take over if another feels it gets too much. And do communicate it! Say, hon, i cant take it any more, please take over. And tell her to do the same. And might want to have some earbuds or smth to calm down afterwards and be ready to repeat - as sometimes (and with some kids) it takes a while


Get a trusted, non-bossy friend who has a baby already. Use that person as a sounding board for questions or concerns.

The "relax" idea is easy to say, harder to do. Very important. Baby can pick up your vibe.

Longer term: The #1 best thing to give your child is to have a strong relationship with your partner. IMO, this takes a lot of work, especially if you were raised in a home without that. As much as education, safety, and health, this is the highest gift from parent to child...the capacity to have healthy relationships.

Second only to that is to earn respect from the child. Enforce boundaries and consequences ...lovingly. Learn how to fashion consequences to fit the crime.

Lastly, if you let your child learn how to divide and conquer parents, you are asking for mountains of conflict.


Lastly, if you let your child learn how to divide and conquer parents, you are asking for mountains of conflict.

that's important. always agree on how to deal with situations. even if you feel it's wrong at the moment. if you don't agree with how a situation was handled, talk in private afterwards and agree to change it, but most importantly, don't argue with your partner in front of the child or change your partners decision behind their back.


That it may really suck for the first year or two. You may not sleep much at all. Just know that you will get through it.

What I wish I did better is to sleep when the baby is sleeping and making that a priority in my life where possible.

For the day to day, simply being present. You’re going to want to be doing something “productive” given all the time being spent on your little one, but I do wish I spent much more time being present than putting a book or tv show on to decompress.


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elimination_communication

Saw a reduction in crying at 9 weeks starting this. 2nd child was started immediately. Saved so much by avoiding diapers.


Spending more time outdoors makes it less likely the child will end up needing glasses. Learned that one too late.

Also, people carry their childhood experiences with them for the rest of their lives, and these experiences are shaping a lot of their adult behaviors. It’s sobering to think that we as parents are responsible not only for a slice of someone’s life but for its entire trajectory.


> It’s sobering to think that we as parents are responsible not only for a slice of someone’s life but for its entire trajectory.

I don't agree (but I'm not sober!). Your kids will make their own lives, and their own mistakes. Once they're past 12, there's not a lot you can do to shape that trajectory.

My kids were stroppy and rebellious. One became a sort of underground environmentalist, the other became a rather conservative schoolmarm (which to me was a rebellion). They chose to be rebellious; I wasn't responsible for that (except possibly through genetics). At the time, I'd have preferred for them to be compliant, because it would have been more convenient. Now, of course, I'm glad that both my kids turned out to be assertive, confident adults that think for themselves.

Oh yes - kids turn into adults in about 15 years. By the time they're 20, they've either gone or they want to go. Raising kids will only ever be a small part of your life. Even if you find it hard, it's not a life-sentence.


Not directly actionable but I would say very important: In the first year there is a major shift in priorities from yourself and as a couple to this new being in the mix. For my wife and I the lack of sleep, work stress and very little time to ourselves meant our relationship suffered. I would say with both our children, around the 9 month mark was probably the most difficult, with us at each other's throats a lot. The lack of sleep accumulated and made us quite irrational and short tempered. To add to this we uncovered that my wife's hormones were out of whack until 2.5 years after our 2nd child was born. In that time she dealt with depression and was generally the most unhappy I have ever seen her (which means that extended to me). Our youngest is now 6 and I can say things have been normal and wonderful for a couple years now. We have so much time available now for each other and of course for sleep.

I openly tell people about my experience because I have noticed so many friends and colleagues go through similar experiences. They all felt like they were the only ones and they felt like failures (as did we). When I think back it's quite normal to go through this when I consider what was happening in our world and the amazing changes that happened to my wife's body and mind.


There are no changing tables in the men’s restroom. Well, sometimes there are, but I can’t tell you how awful they are. Quite filthy and often in questionable mechanical shape… just keep telling your wife this. Have your fellow fathers tell their wives this.


Don't tell your wives, tell the owners/operators of the establishment.

Don't give in to that kind of societal inequality - change it.


I think OP was suggesting that if you hint (or state explicitly) that men's restrooms are unsuitable for nappy changing, you'll be able to avoid an unpleasant chore (by pushing it onto your partner).

Honestly, changing nappies isn't that bad, particularly for your own child, and even if it was, this is a pretty selfish attitude to take.


I’ve changed plenty of diapers… also enjoy a good power play with my wife.


> Don't tell your wives, tell the owners/operators of the establishment.

Also, if your country of residence is not so strict regarding this, go change diapers in the womens room if needed.


Perfectly doable pretty much everywhere if in need, dont need to go to restroom, specially if its filthy (just take a bag and moist napkins - and tell f o to everyone who complains :) ). Its like breastfeeding - nothing to be ashamed, needs to be done - if no good place provided, find it yourself.


For the first 6-9 months:

1. Get ready to survive sleepless nights and days and forget about your comfort. It’ll be like a full time job 24x7.

2. Get ready to reach unimaginable before zen master levels of acceptance, patience and emotional stability towards your baby and your wife (she’d better do the same).

3. Get ready to constantly have not enough hours each day to handle all the planned matters, and not enough time for yourself.

4. Get prepared to go to sleep early and to wake up much earlier.

5. Learn how to “train” a baby to follow regular sleep patterns and rituals. This will save you a lot of time and nerves.

6. Buy a good and big enough playpen to afford some relatively free time during the day and not worry about baby safety each second.

7. In doubts, follow your instincts as long as you come from love and good intentions for the baby (you probably are if you ask the question). Rather than some books, gurus, your parents or even HN :)

Parents (especially mother) have unique sophisticated connection with their newborn on many levels. Nobody in the world can know better what exactly your baby in each moment needs. Tune yourself to it.

After ~ 9 months you’ll feel some relief and should become an expert in your baby, so no more advice needed.


1. That children are 'babies' for all of a few months--then they're something different. And that cycle of having a 'different' child every several months continues the rest of their childhood.

2. You learn and become different at each of those stages, too.

3. There is no way to 'prepare' for fatherhood. It is utterly on the job training, and you just have to show up, do your best, and learn as you go.


>3. There is no way to 'prepare' for fatherhood. It is utterly on the job training, and you just have to show up, do your best, and learn as you go.

Yes. You are never ready, but at the same time you were always ready. When my daughter was born, it was as if she has always been a part of my life. All the anxiety I previously had was gone.

I never felt comfortable about holding other people's babies. I always felt nervous like I was going to drop them or accidentally hurt them in some way. I never felt that way with my own. It was the opposite. I never wanted to let others hold them.

In the end, we are just animals. The primal instincts will kick in and everything should work its ways out.


The most important experience I had that you should know is that dads can get post-natal depression too. Nobody ever mentioned that to me and so I never knew what it was until much later. Thankfully it wasn't too late.


My wife and I took birthing classes, read a few books, etc. but nothing prepared me for the moment my first child was delivered. It was an almost indescribable experience where everything just…changed.

Patience. Remember you are both on the parenting journey together, but mothers and fathers will do things differently.

Take care of your partner. Postpartum depression is a very real concern and is difficult with new mothers already wondering if they are “doing it right.” She especially will get no shortage of advice. You and she know what’s best for your baby. And if you have a question, don’t hesitate to call your pediatrician or even the maternity ward.

As someone else said, make time for you and your partner. If you have family nearby, take advantage of that support system however you can. We moved away from all of our family and friends when we had two very young children, so if you are in a similar situation my first note about patience is even more important.

Finally, the cliché that kids grow up too fast is very true so enjoy the journey, embrace the mistakes. You only get to hold them for so long.


Anxiety, anger, and pain share some circuitry in the brain. If you're feeling like you're going to have a short-fuse (easily angered) day with your kid, pop one ibuprofen. I found it helped replenish the zen/chill reserves immensely when I really needed it. But watch your total consumption of all pain killers; they do cumulative damage to your liver.


Even if you're somewhere in the middle, don't let the baby crying stress you out. It's obviously some sort of instinct that your crying child triggers, but really, they're not gonna die if you let them cry for a few more minutes. With my first child, whenever she cried, I got really stressed out and tried to figure out and then accommodate her as quickly as possible, as if every second counts.

Take your time, especially if you're easily angered, like the parent comment mentions. If your baby just won't stop crying no matter what you try or do and you feel like you might be losing it, just put it back in the crib, leave the room for 5 minutes and come back when you calmed down.


And take turns!


Yes! By the way, this also goes for other important events such as interviews.

Be careful, there is some evidence that NSAIDs may also contribute to infertility.


> Be careful, there is some evidence that NSAIDs may also contribute to infertility.

As far as I’m aware, that seems to be epiphenomenal. The inflammation is correlated to infertility, and also with NSAID consumption.


Woah, great thinking. Will try that with the next kid (soon).


I wish I had read Gabor Mate MD and Gordon Neufeld's book "Hold on to your kids"

Here's Chapter one from the book on their website: https://drgabormate.com/book/hold-on-to-your-kids/hold-on-to...

There is a window of time from ages 0 to 5 in which critical aspects of a child, their relationship to their parents and family, and the broader world are developed. Our western industrial culture does not support parents and families in their attempts to parent well during that window of time. In order to parent well then, you will most likely need to develop a counter-cultural lifestyle. This book can help you understand why that is important, and how you might do it yourself.

Parenting is a massive undertaking and an unparalleled joy. Congratulations!


If you're planning on being with your partner during the birth, remember your personal admin as well. 16 hours on your feet in a high adrenaline situation is easy to forget to eat and drink, use the bathroom etc until your body tells you enough is enough.. and that's usually just before your little bundle of joy arrives..


I have a 3 year old. Cherish waking up to rock your kid back to sleep. Don’t make your wife be the one to get up every time. I realized those special moments with my daughter staring up at me while I was rocking her back to sleep and singing to her would not last. She is too big to need me for that specific thing anymore but I’ll never forget staring at those cute little eyes as she was interpreting the world. Something so special about helping them relax enough that they close their eyes and go back to sleep while your holding them.

Also, don’t be like me and obsess over how these things won’t last to the point where you nearly can’t enjoy the moment. Life is freaking beautiful man, you’re about to find out a whole new dimension to this game. Congrats!!!


A few months after kiddo was born, partner and I started doing weekly “appreciation”/“retro” session. It’s like a low key date night at home. Fire pit, marshmallows, background music. We start with just appreciation for each other for things over the last week. Then. We move into what went well. And conclude with what could go better, and where we want to concentrate effort. This weekly ritual has been our best way to deal with all the changes.

after the first three sessions, it was clear sleep training was the biggest problem for us, and we had “data” to prove it. That led us to pediatrician appt which led us to Ferber method which worked miracles! for 3 months haha. I anticipate too many night feedings being the next retro focus.


They may want to give a new Mom a contraceptive shot. They may sneak it in even if you've vociferously refused. Our experience was that it drove my wife almost insane and severely damaged her bonding with our daughter. It was 8 months before the shit faded and she came back to herself.

If you plan to do the baby sling thing and keep your child with you as much as you can; start practicing wearing the sling (with weights) now, and work out the issues and accommodations when its not as critical if you drop things.

If you don't have a dog yet, adopt one. Raising puppies is a good lower impact introduction to the general field of "small mammal infant care"; and dogs and babies go quite well together in so many other synergistic ways.


Yeah, don't get a dog now, it's too late. There is a lot of evidence to support the idea that living with a well mannered dog is really great for kids on many levels (immune, psychology, etc). But raising a puppy is a whole order of magnitude of stress on its own, and puppies can be very difficult to train and take years to settle down. Having a 3 or 4 year old dog + a baby is great. Having a puppy and a baby at the same time is like having twins (or worse).

My partner and I did this by accident. We were having infertility struggles and our old dog died, so we adopted a 5 month old puppy. A year later we finally got pregnant. Now we have a 2 and half year old dog and a 1 year old baby and things are just settling down to a manageable level of stress. We just about lost our minds trying to manage both and the puppy definitely didn't get the attention he needed. I think we'll all be okay in the long run, and the baby adores the dog. But if we were to do it again we would not have both puppy and baby at the same time.


I'm a little amused - I really wouldn't have expected "get a puppie at the same time" as advice for someone who'll have their first child in two months. Particularly coming from somebody who who has been in that situation themselves. But I never had kids, so what do I know!


What’s this about giving mothers a contraceptive shot??


NFI; they insisted it was standard and refused to listen to complaints about the reaction. postpartum hormones are already fucked up and this couldn't have helped. Among other things, it made her skin so sensitive she found it hard to wear clothing, and nursing was torture. She still had periods too; so it probably wasn't actually functioning as a fertility blocker.

This shit: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Medroxyprogesterone_acetate

She's one of those lucky people for whom no drug seems to work as advertised, all she gets are the side effects and usually much worse than the text of the drug warnings describes.


I'm struggling to believe this - without informed consent this has to be medical malpractice (enough to end someone's career) and/or a crime.


My conclusion was that since the doctor showed up after the delivery, he had to find something to do to justify billing. I was out of the room watching the baby at that moment because we didn't trust nobody there at that point.


When in hospital bring EVERYthing you'd bring on a trip + more. Due to lockdowns I was unable to get an Advil without being admitted to the hospital - which would separate me from the maternity ward. Refillable water bottle above all else.

The first 6-15 months are truly hell. Doctors call the first 3 months 'the third trimester,' which is apt because that baby could not be more livid about being pulled out of the womb. Go watch the Gitmo scenes in The Card Counter if you want an idea (mostly joking about that but it truly sucks).

But everything improves by .05% every day from day one and eventually (around 12 months for us) you look around and realize that you've entered the greatest time of your life.

But those first months suck.


HA HA HA, this: "because that baby could not be more livid about being pulled out of the womb." Awesome


Make sure your kid knows what's the normal level of noise around the house.

When you put them for a nap, don't be intentionally way too quiet. Just make normal noises. When it's bedtime, it's OK to watch movies at the normal volume. They'll get used to it.

They'll even get used to it still in utero. Our dog used to bark a bunch and did so while my wife was pregnant. Never fazed the kid even once when they were born. Not even if the dog barked at the doorbell or something literally next to their face.

Other dogs though, that got a response. But us watching movies or the dog barking was stored as "normal noise, no need to worry" in the brain.


1. Your child will be a mirror of oneself. Character traits (both positive and negative) will get back to you somehow. This also means that the example you give will have a profound impact the first few years 2. Accept that going to the movies, friends or restaurant spontaneously is out of the question. 3. Accept that some friends who you consider closest won't accept or understand the fact having children means [2] is not possible anymore (or at least not that easy) If you have a tendency to FOMO in a large social circle you're about to enter a world of pain.


Always remember that you are raising a person, a child shouldn’t be considered your private property. They will be their own beings and you are just here to protect them until they can care for themselves.


Try to help out as much as you can. There's a lot of pressure on new moms to do everything right, that she should just know what to do. She'll be physically exhausted from feeding and lack of sleep, not to mention emotionally exhausted. Whether you can help out with the baby, or just take over more of the other responsibilities (cooking, cleaning, etc.), or get more help with those things.

You might like to ask family to visit and help. It might bring you closer.

Take as much time off as you can. It's a really sweet time to bond.


As itsmemattchung pointed out, I bet there are cultural differences. Having two children who are now "adults", I would offer thoughts (and I am a strange being for sure).

I was not a helicopter parent, but certainly more protective than my parents. How many scrapes, stitches, and broken things I had, I can not even count. My children, zero. But I feel in a way I was/am much more fearless than my children.

Money, money, money money... money. I do not know your financial position, but it takes a lot of money to raise kids. I would advise to not worry about it in front of them, or make it a topic in front of them (except for learning events like saving, not overspending, etc). However, START SAVING NOW. Bills fall out of nowhere all the time for the kids.

Be nice. Never ever hit them for discipline. I spared the rod, and we have wonderful, thoughtful, kind children. My parents beat the crap out of me. I am not better for it.

Let them figure out what interests them, BUT, encourage them to master something they like. Few kids truly master things, or keep doing them for a long time. I think this is getting lost in society today. Encourage but do not force.

Let them explore in the sandbox of discovery that is life. The news is full of death and destruction, but the odds are low. They want to ride their bikes out, let them. Exploration will teach them their own internal boundaries.

That is probably enough blabbering on my part. You know what I really learned? That I don't know a damn thing about life.


Father of a 13 month old here.

Couple things:

1) I feel like I was extremely well prepared for how to handle a baby - but I wasn't prepared how much this was going to affect my relationship. People generally don't mention it - but I feel like going throught the stress of living with an infant puts an enormous negative pressure on a relationship(it did for me). Things which normally wouldn't have bothered either of us, have erupted into full on arguments because we were both so tired. We're good now(or better at least) but yeah.....at least try to remember that both of you are going through this together and no, your partner isn't leaving out dirty bottles on purpose.

2) if the baby isn't sleeping through the night by 6-8 months, pay for a sleep consultant. That's what we've done, it was the best spent money in the world, I'd pay 10x as much as we have. Our baby boy was waking up literally every hour at night from 4 months of age until 8 months, I think we were on the verge of going mad, it was completely unsustainable. After a 2 week training session with a consultant he started sleeping through the night, now sleeps solidly from 7pm till 5am(which is fine with us).


> 2) if the baby isn't sleeping through the night by 6-8 months, pay for a sleep consultant. That's what we've done, it was the best spent money in the world, I'd pay 10x as much as we have. Our baby boy was waking up literally every hour at night from 4 months of age until 8 months, I think we were on the verge of going mad, it was completely unsustainable. After a 2 week training session with a consultant he started sleeping through the night, sleep solidly from 7pm till 5am(which is fine with us).

Out of curiousity: what was the exact reason your baby boy didn't sleep through the night? I'm a father of 13 month old baby as well and my boy has just started sleeping basically all night long


It was basically the fact that we were going up to him and picking him up the second he would wake up at night. Like, it's a parental instinct, right? Baby wakes up, so you go up to him to comfort him and help him go to sleep. Which.....sure, works, and is nice, but turns out that he became completely dependent on it, and it was something that the sleep consultant immediately pointed out. The "training" was basically teaching him that yes, he can fall asleep on his own, and no, we won't be there within 60 seconds of him starting to cry. For the first few days we'd just sit next to his bed without picking him up, then next few days sit in his room but further away, then start leaving the room after 10 minutes, then 5, then immediately, and after 2 weeks it broke his association that he can only fall asleep in our arms - and started settling himself to sleep.

Every kid is different though, and that's where the consultant comes in - they made a plan specific to our baby, and he was always available on WhatsApp 24/7 to answer any questions we had.


that's where bed-sharing really helps. our kids never made a fuss at night, and practically slept through except if they needed to feed.

i observed one family letting their baby cry it out and decided for myself that i'd never do that to my kids.


Dad of 4 (including a very recent-born (1 May)):

- you don't need as much stuff as you think - diapers, a handful of outfit changes, wipes, car seat, sleeper/bassinet/thingamabob

- if you're formula-feeding, buy more than you think you need, and plan to get no sleep (since you'll be co-feeding with your wife

- if you're breastfeeding, support your wife since she's gonne be TIRED all the dang time!

- spend as much time as you can with the kiddo! They'll never be 1wk, 1mo, etc old again; time doesn't reverse; work/hobbies/facebook/etc will be there tomorrow (or it didn't matter in the first place)

- take pictures that include mom! She's taking pictures of baby ... make sure you photo her!

- corollary to above - put your dang phone down! They're only this old once - and they expect (and need) absolutely-constant eye-contact while they're awake!

- change diapers - it's messy, icky, blecky, and yuck! Do it anyway!

- laugh, sing (even if you're woefully off-key), and tell stories to your new one! They don't know you're doing it "wrong"! Do it anyway!


Start therapy or some sort of personal coaching the moment your child is born and keep doing it regularly.

Every session has made me a better parent, sometimes because I learned something explicitly about parenting, but more often because I suddenly resolved some deep dysfunction that had made life unreasonably difficult.

I only figured this out 9 years in and I regret not starting earlier for my and my kids' sakes.


There is a lot of good advice here, and there is some elsewhere on the internet, but the big thing for me to figure out was that it was up to myself and my partner to figure out what works.

A good example that will be relevant later for you: we started out being very strict about screen time. Then we figured out there was a lot of great educational content out there they they love to watch. My oldest (5) is ahead in math, and if you ask her she will tell you it is because of the show Number Blocks on CBeebies, which she watches on netflix.

However you decide to feed you child, just make sure to check in with a doctor and yourself regularly to make sure it is working. I would say sleeping and eating are the most important things early on.

There is a whole industry out there to help you be a parent but they are almost always just time savers for you. The best solution is to spend time with your child.


I’ve been a dad for about five years now, and here are my thoughts:

1 - The little things matter more than you know. Yes, spending time with your kids is very important, but also the little things that you like to do, or your partner likes to do are also very important.

2 - You’re going to get frustrated over the smallest things, learn to take a breath and let it go. Realize it’s really just a journey, and to enjoy that journey, and all the messiness that comes from it.

3 - If you and / or your partner don’t actively lead or choose what you’re doing during the day. Your kid will choose for you. It’s going to be a struggle every day, but that’s just part of the game.

4 - Raise your kid the best you know how, the world needs more good people. The world needs more people that understand how to forgive instead of holding a grudge and getting offended at everything.

5 - Make sure they have some structure in their day, and what they learn, but make sure to go spend time being a kid with them because those imagined worlds are just as real to them as this world is to you.

Enjoy, breathe, relax, forgive, listen, lead.


Congratulations!

Please see these as potential things to try rather than pro-tips. Each family is different. Some of these might be great for you, some may not work.

- technique to stop a baby from crying: Dr. Harvey Karp's 5 S's - also find the YouTube video: https://www.happiestbaby.com/blogs/baby/the-5-s-s-for-soothi... - Babies sometimes cry and there is no clear reason or remedy. Hug them and don't let it get to you.

- You have a lot less free time. It seems like some things you need to do together with your partner, like bathing the baby. The sooner you and your partner realize that either one of you is perfectly capable of doing most of the things (breast feeding is an anti-example), the more time you'll be able to carve out to do other things.

- Love your wife and care for her. She has gone through a lot over the past 7 months, and will endure a lot in the next 2. And after the baby joins you, she has a lot more hard work ahead.

- If you are going to be at the delivery, remember, you are there for your wife. This is not the time to be correct or to advise. It's the time to "yes dear" and hold her hand. It's pretty much all you can do to be helpful. And from anecdotal evidence, that helps a lot.

- Don't fret the small stuff and don't go crazy trying optimize each thing. Things are going to be OK.

- Self care still matters even though you have less time for it. Sleep well, eat and drink well, spend time with loved ones and friends, exercise.

- Each day is precious. It's hard to describe what this means. It will become clear. Enjoy it as everything will change quickly.


You will look back on the next 18 years as one of, if not the best time of your life. The time where you made the most impact on humanity, far more so than whatever you do in your job or social life; an impact that will most assuredly outlive you. It's hard at first, once they're out of diapers and into pre-K, it gets a lot easier.

Congratulations and good luck on your journey.


Father of 4 here.

Take care of yourself (physically, mentally), take care of the mom, take care of your relationship - all of those will make taking care of the child far easier.

Beyond that, the kids grow up really fast. Very likely by the time you master their current stage they’re on to the next. Keep up!

Also, kids are fun. Each stage. Find a way to acknowledge and enjoy the person they are and are growing into.


You'll get lost and lots of advice. Some of it good, some of it bad. Some of it good for you, or bad for you. Just pick and choose what works for you.

If you happen to draw a colicky baby, my suggestion is to quickly introduce shifts. Don't stay awake together, but try to get that 5.5 hours of sleep. Everything will be so much better if you get some rest.


I don't think that 5.5 hours of sleep is medically recommended for at least the breastfeeding mother of a newborn, since newborns are recommended to eat every 2-4 hours, even at night. There have been a few times where my newborn has been impossible to awake and slept for 5 hours, but by that point, my breasts are so engorged that they're painful. So the engorgement wakes me up if the newborn doesn't.

That being said, I do try to encourage my partner to get as much sleep as possible, so that he can be more rested during the day. I'm fortunate in that I'm fairly functional on not much sleep, a trait that's highly compatible with breastfeeding.


Get all the sleep you can now.

Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Learn to accept you are not perfect and will screw up. At some point, when your child is older they will have some anger directed toward you for something you did (or didn't do). Likely something small and seemingly insignificant. This is normal.

Listen to your children, ask questions, be interested in what they are saying.


This one is too easy :)

99% of the parenting advice you will get will be crap. Your child will be unique. In fact, every child is unique even within a family. My two sons are very different.

Parenting is a procedurally generated open world game. The mechanics are known (like changing diapers, so learn how) but you can't predict what's over the next hill.


Dad of three hear. The big thing that made last two baby years easier was the realization that no matter how slow the time flow will feel like, it will go past too fast. There are rough days and nights, baby will cry and wont sleep but that will pass and things will get easier eventually. Just be patient.


That it'll be ok, even when it looks like it won't.

Relax... most things will take care of themselves and worrying isn't going to make a huge difference, in fact it may become a problem in its own right. Kids are far more resilient than adults usually believe.

And congratulations and I hope everything will go as smooth as possible.


And to be easy on yourself. They don't come with a manual and there's a lot of trial and error involved in figuring things out. On top of that, just about the time you figure one thing out a new one comes along. There will be mistakes and that's normal. Try to recognize them and learn from them.


Microwaving plastic can screw up hormones (and maybe eondocrine systems?) - especially bad for children.

reposting my comment from weeks ago (from https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31774008 ) :

best article I've seen was from NYT a few years back... do a startpage.com search for: new york times plastic microwave plastic hormones

my view credits are up so I can't find the exact one, I feel it may be well explained in this one: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/23/well/chemicals-food-child...


Boxes, my kids loved boxes! Often more than they toy that came in them. Plus brown boxes can be anything, encourage them draw on them, make fairy castles, forts, houses, spaceships. We took countless trips to the moon and planets with my kids in a box. Add in a few blankets and the possibilities are endless!


Adding to this, go for simple toys, wooden blocks are great. Legos are awesome for slightly older kids. Encourage them to be creative, one of my sons friends would buy Lego kits, build them, and put them on self. I say build it, break it, combine it, create it.


I bought a case of 40 wooden blocks for my granddaughters. They're a versatile toy that doesn't impose tramlines on their play.

I haven't bought them many toys; I don't want to buy them tramline toys. The local toyshop is Hamley's; I couldn't see anything in that store that wasn't both a tramline toy, and entirely made of non-recyclable plastic. I had to import the wooden blocks.

When I was a kid, I got a lot of mileage out of Meccano. Even into early adulthood, I was still using Meccano to botch together some project or other. I suppose Lego is the modern alternative; but (a) it's all plastic; and (b) modern Lego is all tramlines kits.


lego though lasts forever. more than half of our lego is more than 30 years old and some of that was second-hand when we got it as kids.

what do you mean by tramlines? i am unfamiliar with that term.


I meant something like a script, where the toy or game tells you what you're supposed to do with it (because e.g. the blocks only make sense as parts of an X-Wing Fighter). Anyway, it's my term; I don't know if anyone else uses it. I thought it was clear; sorry.


well, i almost guessed that you meant something like that. and you are right. it's not quite as extreme yet, but it does tend into that direction, so you have to be careful which sets you buy.

fortunately, it's not just lego anymore. there are a lot of alternative brands that offer a wide variety of sets which offer a lot more flexibility.


Ah, good times. On the topic of boxes, if you start building things with them, the best way to attach boxes together is using a hot glue gun. Don't use tape!


Also, painters' tape. Comes off without staining or damaging things.

(Although, this is more for kids who are 3+, than newborns, of course.)


To the extent possible, organize time. Lots of comments here about specific activities that I'd agree with, but, specially with kids, life can become complicated, and there is always something unexpected or pending. Decide what sort of activity should happen daily, weekly and monthly, so that needs are covered, to the extent possible, and expectations are clear. Very important for stability in general.

Activities don't have to be set in stone, and can change as needs change. I'd start with things like time for the child to be with each parent, time all together, time for the parents, time to get chores done, outside activities... Maybe the time with the child later splits into play time and read time, for example.

Having done this helps when later they ask for other things e.g. tv or videogame time, that need to be limited.


Get a few bottles of plain saline nose-spray for babies and a book about general baby preparation. Prepare for sleepless nights and hours of holding/rocking/swaying your baby in the exact same position so it can sleep.

Other than that, don't overthink/worry too much about it, and you'll be fine!


Also - don't forget to take a few photos! Some delivery rooms allow you to bring a camera in and one of the free nurses would snap a few photos for you. It's very special to have a photo with your partner and newborn before it's even a minute old.


breastfeed as long as possible (well your wife), minimum one year

talk to your kid as you world talk to adult without gibberish, otherwise you are just asking for speech development issues, I've seen it way too often and I'm not really surprised, you can talk to your kid nice and still stay clear

maybe try to introduce allergens like peanuts in extremely small doses to build tolerance early

if you are in US please don't follow your local crazy rituals with genital mutilation

depending on quality of air I'd consider air purifier

security cam in kids room (don't fall for overpriced single purpose kid monitors walkie talkie style, security cams with two way audio and night vision are much more versatile)

buy gender neutral colors like orange and green instead pink/blue, you can use them with second kid or donate to someone and they will be good for any gender


Well, as a fellow dad-to-be, my mom recently gave me her copy of "The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read" after having read it herself (I like her sense of humor there). Although I obviously can't speak from first-hand experience (yet) whether or not the suggestions in it hold up, it does seem very insightful so far and has helped me make sense of my own parents. It also lines up with quite a lot of things I had to work on during therapy for unprocessed ADHD related traumas.

If you're wondering about how to relate and connect with your future child I'd say this book could give some reassuring advice (although I fully expect that having a baby will be a "no battle plan survives contact with the enemy" kind of deal, no matter how much one tries to prepare)


Lots of good advice here. Three things I haven't see.

1) At the age of two weeks start sticking your tongue out at your newborn while making eye contact. Within about a week the newborn will very likely start sticking its tongue back. Communication has started.

2) Don't sweat the kid's likes and dislikes in food. A child's taste buds are very different than an adults. Having said that, if you can get them started on peanut butter you've won half the battle. Cheap, nutritious and tasty for most kids.... watch out for allergies of course.

3) Unless it's easy, don't try potty training until the child is about three years old. Just use diapers up til then. Save both parties at lot of needless stress.


Take your paternity leave (as much as you can). Drop down to a four day work week, even if you feel like it's a risky question to ask, as soon as you can.

Everyone will tell you that you can't get the time with your kids back - and they're right, so spend the time with them now.


Can't echo this enough. You cannot get the time back. Tomorrow is never the same as today.

I have no regrets, but I do wish I hadn't put off anything to do with my daughter's childhood. There is no "later" when you say "we'll do this later". Whatever it may be, do it now or you might never get to do it.


1. Get more exercises and build up some muscles. You will lose a lot of sleep and need to hold baby so good health is essential. This is the most important advice I can give you. Two months is not much but whatever.

2. Mother is going to focus 100% on the baby at least in the beginning so you need to learn to take care of yourself. Make sure you know how to enjoy life with just yourself.

3. Learn to do chores efficiently. Learn to cook stews and other food that can easily cover a few days of needs. If you are a very tidy person, learn to lower the standard.

4. Know how to drive to the closest hospital plus the one for delivery. Practice at least twice to know the quirks in Google Map. You don't have much time if there is an emergency. Actually, try parking there for once and know the way to get to the delivery room. Hospitals are like mazes, you don't want to play a maze game at the time of delivery.

5. Be mentally prepared that your partner will ignore you for a while, maybe a long while (years). Know a bit about Postpartum Depression -- this can happen to men too! I'm pretty sure I have it and are getting worse.

6. Send the news to parents, friends and such. Ask if anyone is willing to help. Your parents usually would love to help but in case they are not available ask someone else. Some friends can spare toys and tools, don't be shy -- take them!

7. Buy baby bottle warmer, some size 0 and 1 diapers, formula milk, milk bottles, etc. My brain is not working very well after two years of lack of sleep so this list should be much longer. Oh btw buy a warm blanket for yourself if September is cool. Sleeping on sofa without a blanket makes one's back uncomfortable.

8. After the delivery, follow doctor's advice, not someone else's. Some culture may have their own ways to "treat" but most of them are not scientific.

9. Save the phone number of the hospital (of delivery) so that you can call easily during an emergency (e.g. blood clot coming out).

10. Good luck. Hopefully you enjoy fatherhood more than I do.


I wish I had understood (not just known) that I was going to have to give up a lot of my time and activities. That I needed to let go of them to grab on to something else - time with my children, a relationship with them. I held on to trying to keep some time to myself, and didn't give as much of myself as I should have to my children.

On the other hand... Martin Mull said, "Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain." You need to keep some space for your own thoughts amid all the noise that kids can bring. So there's a balance, and going too far in either direction will cause problems. In retrospect, I see which side I was off on.


1. Find the number of a lactation consultant before baby's birth. 50% of mothers in north america experience breastfeeding pain that they shouldn't. A lactation consultant can make a big difference

2. Sleeping with your child in the same bed is not the horror movie doctors depict. Of course, create a safe bed environment and make sure you are either light sleepers or create a situation where you can prevent rolling over your kid. Babys sleep really well on mom's chest (breasts always available).

3. Precook a lot of food if you can

4. Read a couple of books on parenting (how to talk to kids and others), there was one that described all illnesses, very helpful to prevent unneeded doctor's visit

5. Enjoy it :)


* That they're not "blank slates". I thought that personalities were imposed by the parents, but that's not (on the whole) true.

* Don't smack 'em. The only purpose it serves is to assuage your rage. You don't have to use violence to teach kids about hot cookers and electrical sockets.

* Don't expect them to be like you. They won't; and especially as they enter their teens, they'll do their damnedest to be unlike you. That's supposed to happen, it's normal and good.

* Cook for them. Kids get to like what their parents feed them; if you can get them to like what you like, then you get to eat what you like, AND they'll be pleased as well.


You're right, they are not blank states, and they are not entirely like you, but even so, there will be moments where you see a deep similarity that you know must be genetic, and it's quite satisfying.

And yes, physical punishment operates by fear. Avoid it. However, if they are violent with you, screaming or out of control, it might be ok. You're the judge of that. Make sure you're in control of yourself first.


> where you see a deep similarity that you know must be genetic

Sure - that's not what I meant, sorry. I meant that I had originally believed that personality was mainly the result of nurture; so I was surprised at how different each of my kids was from birth or ongoing.

From my side, as a teenager I loathed my father. It was inconceivable to me that I could be anything like him. Over the years I gave up the loathing, and we got on OK. It was many years later before I reluctantly started to acknowledge that I shared many attitudes and behaviours with him. It really pissed me of when I first began to realise.


Congrats!

Honestly babies are all very different so lots of advice wont work.

Try to be hands on. I see lots of Moms doing all the work. It looks like they're coping but its super hard. As a test try looking after the baby by yourself a few hours, its exhausting.

This is down the road but related, try to normalize grandparents or other parents doing babysitting. Its easy to do all the work yourself but its brutal.

Be social. Hopefully the mother will have friends with babies, if not get some. You should be the same, it really helps to have other parents in the same position you can swap notes with.

Take lots of videos. Its hard to believe but soon you wont remember how they looked or sounded at that age.


Take a course on parenting. I got a _lot_ of value out of the STEP training (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting). You wouldn't get a dog without learning how to train dogs - getting a kid should follow the same logic!


Find a balance for all aspects of your life, and recognize when to shift that balance.

The first few days of being a parent you'll focus on your newborn and the mother, as you should. But as the pressure decreases, find moments of self-care for yourself and encourage mom to do that too.

Don't lose yourself completely to being a parent, because then you won't be the best parent you could be. Find ways to still be a husband and friend. Try to keep some of your hobbies. All while still cherishing and appreciating the moments you have with your child. There will be enough time for it all if you know what to give up.


1) There will be more periods without sex - sometimes quite long - but that's perfectly fine. The sooner you accept this, the better. It's probably better to appreciate other nice aspects of life more and treat sex like a bonus rather than a part of the package. Things can change for the better or not, just stop expecting anything.

2) Don't bend over backwards and be too harsh on yourself and your partner. All parents face similar struggles and there is no panacea. Be more forgiving rather than try to set unrealistic goals.

3) Don't allow yourself to be guilt tripped by anyone: your friends, your partner, your kid, your parents. It's already hard to be a good parent, adding guilt is completely useless.

4) Try to have fun. Your partner and her friends may mock you and Peter-Pan you, but it doesn't matter at all. The more fun you have with your kid, the better for them (and for you). The kind of bond created by enjoying things together lasts for decades. It will be something your kid will remember at your funeral.

5) Did I mention you should be very forgiving to your partner? Every hardship you go through, she undergoes too, and possibly in a more intensive way. And especially at the beginning she is more exhausted because of birth, breastfeeding, hormones and so on. If you have any extra energy left, give it to her. Let her feel loved. Many marriages/partnership fall apart when the child is born - if you manage to get through this difficult period, everything will be much easier.

6) If the kid is old enough to understand, explain things to them, don't treat them as an idiot. You don't need to go into details, but don't invent things. Of course when they need a fairytale, give it to them, but when they actually start asking things about the world, you need to give them satisfying answers.

7) Not knowing something is not a problem (see "We Have no Idea" on how presenting things we do not know can be very entertaining and how much you can learn from it).

8) Did I mention you should be kind to your partner? If you actually love each other, all arguments will be short and the kid will grow in a safe environment. (They will also save a lot on therapy.)


Dont agree on the sex part - its a receipe for growing apart with your spouse. Talk to her, dont force it. Cuddle and love her in general. She'll discover soon that the wish is mutual :)


Enjoy every moment. Kids grow up fast. When they need your attention focus on them. Congrats! And just when you think you can't handle it the kids evolve (or well you do). Lastly, trust in the vulnerability.


Especially the first few months! At that point, you're their whole world. They'll be fascinated with your hair and fingers and such. After that, they play with toys and TV.


Other mentioned similar but be sure to make sure you spend regular time with just your partner. don't fall into the trap of each other 'babysitting' whilst the other goes out for fun.


When they are a baby they are relatively easy. Don't get lulled into thinking you have it sorted. As they grow it's exciting to see them become their own person, but with it comes, well just that. You will be surprised to find you have a wonderful new, seemingly idiotic, sometimes selfish, always unpredictable guest.

Main advice is to look at all the normal expectations you have and be ready to swap them for something different. If you can do that you will find happiness. Try to hold onto the past and you will lose!


My first son is 21 yrs and younger is 19 yrs now. One purchase from that time that I felt was absolutely worth it was the Playtex Diaper Genie.

Also, invest in a good quality infant car seat.

Don't forget to enjoy this time.


Don’t feel guilty if you lack any of the Hollywood feelings and emotions. I didn’t feel the warm fuzzies the first time I held my kids. I didn’t even particularly like or enjoy them until they were able to move and interact a lot more (3 months, maybe?)

Also: two books that I found most helpful: Happiest Baby on the Block and Simplicity Parenting.

YMMV. It’s quite different for everyone.

Edit: if you’re like me, you’ll pack on the pounds in the next 5 years. I’m working out regularly now and feel / look much better. I wish I’d done that from the start.


Babies and their mothers have a special relationship. Don’t feel bad if you are not bonding at the same level.

Babies are resilient. Don’t beat yourself up over the little things. You’re going to make mistakes. There are no perfect parents.

If you are a documentor, taking notes and pictures and storing them up is a cool idea.

Your parents probably have answers. Sometimes the answer is to wait it out. Kids cry. The get mild fevers. Not everything is a problem to solve. It’s just a process that you are a part of. Sometimes the answer is just being patient.


There are some educational videos to learn the sounds of your babies cry’s. It’s a huge relief when you can tell the difference between a tired cry, a hungry cry, and a distress cry. Takes all of 30 minutes to learn, but the best time we invested before our newborns arrived.

Later, teach them baby sign language. It’s incredible how much they can say with sign language. And even today, I can ask my 15 year old if he’s like a glass of milk in baby sign language, and he remember exactly what I’m asking.


Start saving for college, on the chance that they'll want to go.


You're ready for a newborn when they're 6 months old

You're ready for a 1 year old when they're 2

You're ALWAYS playing "catch-up"

Don't sweat the small stuff!

I've got 4 (8,7,6, and 2mos)

If what you don't get done today matters, you'll get pestered tomorrow

It's truly freeing to see how much you can slough off and no one bloddy cares :)

Do what needs to be done - for sure. But do what you want to do instead of what you only think "needs to be" first


Two pieces of advice:

1) There is a book called 'Teach your child to read in 100 easy lessons'. It works. Buy it and use it.

2) College can either be incredibly expensive and a poor investment or relatively inexpensive and a great investment. To make it the latter, set your sights on high ACT or SAT scores early in the game, begin working with practice books and even coaches before 9th grade. If you get this one right, you will raise a good scholar and save a great deal of money.


I'm not a parent.

Kids are prone to learning languages and fast, so try to keep them surrounded with content of a foreign language that you deem interesting for their future.


Bit of advice regarding leaving your toddler... to work or wherever.

It absolutely pays to tell them how sorry you are that you have to leave and how you will miss them, but that you are going to earn some money and think of them.

It also really helps to accumulate tiny, but stimulating, presents (1-10$ value) and giving it to them from time to time for waiting for you. Toy cars, dice, soap bubbles, a piece of chocolate, etc.


Two concepts to hold in balance:

- The Adverse Childhood Experiences study and how childhood trauma changes the physiology of the brain

- But also “good enough parenting” and take it easy on yourself.

The most important thing isn’t whether you make mistakes it’s whether you repair and apologize, reinforcing that it’s not the kids fault, and parents are highly imperfect. Kids otherwise naturally assume they are the problem and need to change.


The baby likes to sleep on the father and mother. Yes, sometimes you would wish you could lay it down always to sleep. Try to enjoy it, because it lasts only 3-4 months. I enjoyed it way more on the second kid.

Everything goes in waves. There are good ones and bad ones. Try to recognize you are in a good one and enjoy it. And in bad ones, remember it will not stay that way. It gets better.


Moments Missed are Never Equalized by Dollars Made.. The time making moments and memories will be all that matters after, and after they cannot be brought or bought back. ... Just my 2cents, as a Dad & Grampa who was guilty of overworking for years, always focused on the future, missing all the now I can never go back to. Spend your time wisely.


You are about to have the most advanced computer in the Universe in your care. If all goes well, this computer will stand by you when everyone else has abandoned you. Beyond that this computer may save the human race, so take great care with it's learning while keeping mind that it is not you and you can't force anything on it.


Do ALL the things as it relates to your child; you'll miss most of these responsibilities when the kid gets older.


Congratulations!

If you're able to, take your partner away _before_ the baby arrives. They deserve it for growing a human and you both deserve some quality time together before everything changes :)

Other than that, it's amazing (and challenging). Be patient and kind to each other (and it goes without saying, to your baby).


Go to flea markets. Baby stuff is unreasonably expensive, considering how short you can use it. Why is a stroller $1000+ when you can buy a good handcart for $50? Also, shoes last like 1 month and are still $50 for a set. Plus at the flea market, you'll meet nice parents from your area.


Congratulations! Father of 18 months old girl here. Nothing to add really except to repeat the advice already given in this thread. Have patience. It gets tough on many days and remember that it too shall pass. Your wife will go through a lot of changes in her body. Take care of her.


One thing. What works for other people probably won’t work for you. I spent a lot of time reading everything I could to prepare myself and when my first daughter was born. 95% of what I read didn’t apply.

Your own child is unique. You will figure out what works and what doesn’t work. But it’s rewarding.


When your toddler wants something, think very hard before you say no. If any amount of screaming, crying, moaning, is going to change your mind, then just save yourself the hassle and say yes. Meanwhile, your toddler will learn that when you do say no, a tantrum won't change it.


that's very good advice. it's important to be consistent, so once i say no, i try very hard to stick to that. and sometimes i wished that i had said yes instead.


Seldom heard on a deathbed: "I wish I spent less time with my kids when they were young".


My list of mistakes I learned from would be too large for HN. I would only add that you may wish to also ask on StackExchange after lurking a bit.

[1] - https://parenting.stackexchange.com/


You'll know what to do. And if you don't... Welcome to the club. Have fun, congrats dad.


Read, study to prepare. Respect the wisdom of each gender, talk to find the common principles of your new family. Then, when approaching every new real life situation of your new dad role, embrace and respect your instinct, it comes with millennia of knowledge.


A lot of your relationship strategies depend on slack that will soon be gone. If a chore gets done by whoever is feeling less tired it simply won't get done. Explicitly decide who does what and be prepared to revisit frequently to make it fair.


18-21 years of child-rearing seems like a long time looking from the front of it.

It does not seem long in retrospect.

Diapers seem to last forever, that time is but a blink.

Find time to spend with your child, because time is fleeting. Take pictures, keep artwork, have adventures. There is no re-do.


An honest reflection of being a father for the last 2.5 years:

  1. Sometimes for no apparent reason, you'll start crying
  2. Parenting is a constant cycle of ups and downs
  3. Ask for help (it really does take a village)
  4. Friends and family (even with good intentions) will always find something to nit-pick about your parenting style
  5. Having a child will test your relationship with your partner and reveal that you two *might* not be on the same page as you thought you were
  6. Default-divorce is the path unless you and your partner actively work on your relationship
  7. Toss every expectation you had about what it'll be like as a father
  8. Movies lie
  9. All of the above highly depends on the type of child you have
  10. Culture plays a big role. The west and east have _very_ different ways of raising children


  11. Your career will suffer
Point #11 is not necessarily a bad thing. Having a child is a forcing function, requiring you to really prioritize what's important (and not important) in your life. All of us only have 24 hours in the day. All of us have limits.

Also, be prepared that not all fathers (especially in the corporate world) will see eye-to-eye. My relationship with one of my mentors dissolved practically overnight when my priorities shifted from work to home; I only realized later on that when his 3rd child was born, he threw himself at work even more. Some men find work as a way to escape life at home. I now understand why.


My career took off with kids. Something to do with purpose and motivation I think.


Francis Ford Coppola said something to the effect of how having a bunch of kids served as a huge financial and artistic motivator for him. Not sure I'd recommend in that my kid is 2 and I'm not sure if I've done even 1000 words of creative since then.

I did turn down a near-lateral promotion that would've require 60%+ travel. Everyone has to do right by their families and values but appreciating and maximizing my time for me this era in my life is worth a price above rubies (though even I have a selling point, lol).


Oh my god. Trust me, you'll NEVER hear a woman say that. Yuk.


What kind of job do you have?


Software dev


My 3 kids are all grown and I have only now begun to realize why they have hard and “real” conversations with my wife and light and simple ones with me (to the frustration of my wife)… I suppose it’s because I was an absent parent. Do better than I did!


Another thought on careers, I think parenthood is also a good gateway into management level roles. You get practice being the boss at home and that skill translates. A lot of work problems are very similar to dealing with angry toddlers.


LOL so true...damn I thought I wrote this.


> 4. Friends and family (even with good intentions) will always find something to nit-pick about your parenting style

They don't try that with me and my wife any more, you have to nip that stuff in the bud. My rule is that unless you're actively helping you don't criticize. If there are dirty dishes, then anyone complaining about them can go and clean them up.


> 1. Sometimes for no apparent reason, you'll start crying

I don't think this has anything to do with being a parent.


> 1. Sometimes for no apparent reason, you'll start crying

Phew, for a minute there I thought I had an unknown child somewhere out there.


No, but to be fair it's a good warning. I was never one to really let my emotions out like that, but random crying for no apparent reason definitely became a thing for me for the first few months of my son's life. I didn't know what was going on until other fathers admitted it happened to them too. That made me so much more comfortable with it.


For some people it definitely does. I also got the habit of sitting in my car for half an hour once for a while, doing nothing and listening to music. It's miserable for the "right" person.


Kids will bring emotions out in you that you have locked away, for better or for worst.


> Culture plays a big role. The west and east have _very_ different ways of raising children

Can you elaborate a bit, what are the biggest differences?


My neighbor, not sure where exactly they were from, but they were from the east, had a newborn some months ago. They had a full week of partying, family and friends visiting. They made as much noise as possible, day and night, literally banging pans and pots. All of this was to get the child comfortable with noise. Even leaving the child to cry so it would get used to being alone sometimes. I have never seen such with a "western" family.


This doesn’t seem like a bad idea, although I would probably consult a developmental expert about the abandonment, but the noise should be fine.


One example of co-sleeping. Discouraged in the west by the American Pediatric Association, but very much the norm in the east.

[1] https://www.aap.org/en/patient-care/safe-sleep/


Can't encourage co-sleeping enough. Avoiding it is one of those official recommendations that I think does more harm than good.


Can relate especially 1, 2, 5 and 6. Probably the worst 2 years I have spent so far. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone unless they themselves really really want a kid. Basically my one liner is: Don't go for it if you have a slight doubt.

But who knows, every one is different.


sorry to hear about your last 2 years. always open to chat openly about fatherhood (my email contact is in my profile).


Thanks man. I'm getting the hang of it -- basically once I convince myself to drop all objectives for the first 5 or so years I immediately felt a bit better. It's just training my brain to convince myself that takes a bit of time.


What the hell is this? Everything is hard, prepare for pain, work hard on relationship blah blah. Calm down, it’s not rocket science, people have been doing this forever. I have two kids and I can honestly say it’s actually really easy. Yes, they are not teenagers so maybe things get harder then but so far so good.

> 1. Sometimes for no apparent reason, you'll start crying

Give me a break, this is cringe.


It's real easy when your partner does all the work.

Agreed. The term partner is really not what men are looking for. We’re looking for a wife— take care of my house and children, be attractive and cook. If you’re intelligent more the better.

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31965561


(This is from another commentator on HN). You should know that if childhood trauma were correctly understood the DSM would shrink to the size of a pamphlet. Learn what type of person your child is and nurture him or her.


People who say "don't worry, it gets better" to new parents don't know what they are talking about.

Enjoy the time when the baby stays put wherever you lay him or her down. and isn't climbing the furniture or throwing things.


sorry, it's BS, it really gets better when you can have normal night of sleep compared to newborn, man I hate newborns as father of two kids, first half year was definitely the worst part of parenthood

properly raised kids also don't climb furniture or throw things or have temper tantrums in shop/restaurant, this happens to parents who key their kids do anything and then everyone has to suffer


What raising techniques do you recommend?

Say someone has a newborn; what should they do between now and three years (or so) from now?


don't let kid do whatever it wants, set limits and be strict not afraid to raise the voice, if really necessary at small kid where you can't argue with reason you can also pat them on bottom

I see way too many spoiled "new age techniques" kids allowed to do really anything, God forbid parent telling them anything and then they grow up to be spoiled brats who are annoying everyone everywhere


a couple things

1) Everyone says it, you won't believe it, but time goes by so incredibly fast. take pictures, take vacations, don't miss game and concerts. no amount of success will purchase those memories back.

2) let them stay up an extra half hour every night, but only if they read books. Buy they as many books as they want no questions asked. it will help their grades immensely. when they are too young to read, let them stay up only if you can read to them.

3) open a custodial brokerage account and deposit something every month into a broad market etf. it will make a nice nest egg by the time they are 21.


Make sure that any unresolved issues between you and your partner have been resolved. Time to work on your marriage evaporates when you make that trip the the hospital. Actually, it starts fading some time before.


That most advice that you receive from your friends and family are mostly bullshit (well intended). Listen to your child's pediatrician and no-one else (at least in my case that's how things went).


For your first kid you will be so nervous about doing everything right. Everything will be sanitized and organic and over researched and helicopter parented. Second kid is eating jellybeans off the floor.


Every child is different but my experience is that being a technical nomad is fine for an adult but some kids can really do much better without moving around for work. It's my only regret.


I wish I’d practiced good form in picking things up and done some core exercises. My son gained a lot of weight quickly and my back was killing me for months before my strength caught up.


Bunch of random, pre-coffee thoughts here... We have 3 kids that are 3 and under (twin toddlers and an infant).

I started reading a lot right before our twins were born. I wanted to make it my go to habit vs. sitting at a computer or spending too much time on my phone. That worked out well and our twins, now 3, love to read and love being read to. We read as a family and I read to them every single night and it's one of the things we all look forward to the most in our day. We now go to the library together on Saturday mornings and pick up new books for the week.

As someone else said, when they're very young get used to sleeping when they sleep.

We had a Snoo (rental /, paid by my wife's employer) for all 3 of our kids. It worked well with the twins (both girls) but our infant (a boy) wanted nothing to do with it. We do use noise machines and they work well. Hatch makes a nice one which is programmable and doubles as a light.

Speaking of light: We have completely blacked out our bedrooms since right before our twins arrived. We use small egg lights on their dimmest setting at night to navigate our bedroom, where our infants crib is and where he still sleeps.

Sleep training worked well for us with all 3 kids but it's hard. I think it's controversial but we used the "cry it out" method with all 3 and I am happy to report that it took less than a week for each kid to be able to sleep on their own and most often through the night.

Help with everything. Change diapers, do dishes, wash bottles, handle the laundry. I handled almost all of the bottle feeding for our twins (our infant exclusively nurses), only 1 of them nursed at all and she only nursed twice a day. Breastfeeding and pumping takes up a ton of moms time and energy.

I learned a handful of easy recipes and made them in batches and kept them in the fridge. Meal prep but like recipes that you can speed run. That helped a lot, otherwise I think we'd have been eating infrequently and mostly eating out.

Invest in a baby carrier (I've used the same ergobaby one for all 3 kids) and when the baby has head control you can start to carry them, it sounds obvious and ridiculous but it makes a huge difference to have both of your hands available.

edit/ Echoing another sentiment I just saw: Work on your fitness. Parenting is a very physical job. I've maintained a lifting and running routine throughout all of this madness and it's paid off tremendously.

My wife found a "recipe" online for a diaper spray that we use that is incredible. I don't have the link but it's coconut oil, baby castille soap, and water. Stuff is amazing with poops


Wish I’d done some reps picking up a medicine ball out of a box.


By all means, strengthen your core and back muscles. Carrying babies around is no joke and I spent years in pain because of a bad movement trying to pick up my daughter.


most is already sad. My main take away now are. spend much time with your partner before birth! then be very aware of the nice and not so nice moments with your child in the first couple of years. The time will tik a lot lot lot faster if you have children. and it doesn't get easier with the years and a second child. it gets a lot harder over time. just try to enjoy every little shit.


Having read this thread, it is hard for me to understand why anybody would voluntarily do this to the person they love and to themselves.


All my kids are fully-grown. One is a Ph.D. candidate in computer science and is working on stuff HNers would find really cool, another has their Masters in sociology and analyzes women's health care, and the other is still an undergrad and going into something pharmaceutical related.

I have no regrets in how I raised them, here's my advice for what I did:

- Let them be whomever they are. Let them pursue their dreams, don't use your kids to pursue your dreams. This can be more difficult than it sounds because they may see other goals as being more important than you do and sometimes they have literally childish ideas for how to go about pursuing things. We're guides, not kings.

- Be there. Nothing is more important to a kid than being there. Sorry, kids & careers are orthogonal to one another. You can't have it all. Remember, "career" is just a fancy word for "job." Don't give it any more importance than being just a job.

- Corollary to the above, kids would rather have your time than your money. Remember, nobody ever lied on their deathbed wishing they'd spent more time at the office. This is especially a difficult concept for for dads who are pressured to be the breadwinners for their families.

- Limit the number of activities your kid has at any one time. Try to have a sport activity, a group activity (any club activity), and a personal development activity (martial arts, music, etc.) I highly recommend team sports so your kid learns how to deal with people. Yes it can be quite a negative experience - that's where the learning happens.

- Have a regularly scheduled date night. When they're very young have grandparents, aunts and uncles fill in that job. As they get older you can use babysitters.

- Get them used to playing outside. Take them to the park to play on playground equipment and play with other kids.

- Have a schedule. Kids need to know what to expect when throughout the day. Don't leave them guessing!

- Don't take your job, family or financial frustrations out on your kid. Always remember they never asked to be brought into this world. Your interaction with them needs to be predictable.

- Get used to having less. You're not going to have the money to get all the cool toys you used to get. Then again kids these days have some cool toys! :)

- Discourage tattling and encourage working out problems themselves. Our policy with our kids was unless there was blood, fire or someone was in grave danger then then one tattling was the one who was in trouble. You'll have problems with other kids who just love to tattle. If it's normal kids tattling on kids stuff then explain to the child the things they should be informing adults about.

- Instill a love of learning. If you read then your kids will read. Simple as that. Always make learning a joy. Kids especially love hands-on activities when they're young. It combines playing and learning.

- In addition to the previous point, let them know never in their life will they have so much time to dedicate to learning. Make the most of it!

- But don't fret about grades. Especially in High School. Let them manage their own affairs. Again, you're a guide, not a king.

- Only get a kid 5 things for Christmas or similar holiday you may celebrate. You get off cheap when they're little kids, you'll be glad you managed expectations when they get older! And don't make them extravagant gifts.

- Speaking from experience, being an only child really sucks. I grew up in a townhome where we couldn't even have a dog or a cat. Kids need those things.

- Get used to chaos!

- Remember, it's all over before you know it!

I've probably forgot stuff but that'll get you off to a good start. I have more advice for how to parent teenagers and young adults - they bring a different set of issues and opportunities to the table.


I should have mentioned some stuff specific to babies!

- Work out a night schedule with your SO. Find what works best for you. It's different for everybody and sometimes every baby!

- You probably already knew getting a full night's sleep isn't in the cards for a few months, so figure out some napping strategies. Work them out with your SO.

- Learn how to be a diaper pro! Honestly, it ain't bad until they start eating solid food - and then you have a motivation to start potty training them! :)

- Figure out between you and you're SO who's cleaning up the vomit. My wife gets physically ill at the thought of vomit. Meanwhile I'm the kind of guy who's like huh, so that's what you get when you mix Red Kool aid with pizza!

- Kids rarely make it to the toilet or sink when vomiting

- Kids projectile vomit

- Kids are virtually indestructible, once they're able to hold their heads up.

- Don't buy too many clothes and don't buy too many new clothes. They're just growing out of them anyway - sometimes in days or weeks!

- You might want to start buying formula now so you can have a little bit of a head start (modern issue)

- Don't assume your baby is going to eat the way you think they should. One of my kids refused to breast feed and wanted their bottle ice cold with extra holes poked in the nipple so they could guzzle it down as fast as possible! That's just how they ate! Everyone thought we were terrible parents for not warming up their bottle first.

- Everybody will give you loads of advice. You can ignore a lot of it, especially if they're not parents. Every kid is different. If you decide to have more kids then what "worked" for your first kid may not "work" for the second kid. That's just the way it is.

- You can take my advice with a grain of salt too! Yeah, I've raised three kids - but every kid is unique! I know what worked with my three kids. YMMV.

And - CONGRATULATIONS! Forgot that one too! New dads often get ignored as so much attention is lavished on the new mom and the baby.


Mozart works: https://youtu.be/VyhsSYfz9jM


Schedule romantic times. It sounds cheesy but schedule it. Light some aromatic candles. Have cheese and wine.


Buy an electric crib that rocks and has music. Take shifts if you can. Sleep whenever you can get it. Workout.


Parenthood will go very fast. Cherish it.


Understand that whilst your world will revolve around the baby, the rest of the world doesn't.


Learn burping, watch some videos. Baby has to be fed frequently and better to burp right after.


Trust your instincts, if they were wrong your ansestors wouldn't have gotten you here.


One more:

Get the kid underwater as soon as you can. Newborns are used to being immersed; they instinctively know to hold their breath. Don't leave it until they are used to being landlubbers. And don't do that old macho thing - throwing them in the deep-end and letting them struggle. That's just mean.


I'll be duplicating others' advice, but such is life:

- Separate your own issues from your child's. You will react strongly and unreasonably to events; work hard to understand when that happens and own it.

- Learn who your child is. Every child is different, and if you try to fit them into some standard mold it won't end well for either of you.

- Be open to being embarrassed at the grocery store.

- You will mess up. When you do so, own it and move on.

- When infuriated by your child, remember Robin Williams' line from "Night at the Museum": "Who's evolved?" [0]

- Be a safe harbor for your child. If they come to you with a problem, never make them regret it.

- When/if you have a second child, don't compare them. They're different people at different stages of their lives, and will need different approaches, care, and levels of patience.

[0] https://clip.cafe/night-at-the-museum-2006/no-hard-feelings-...


6 weeks before my son's 4th birthday, someone on HN recommended the book 'Teach your child to read in 100 easy lessons'.

The book was life-changing for us. I wish I had known about it a year earlier.

tl;dr when your child turns 3, read the first chapter of 'Teach your child to read in 100 easy lessons' and then try the first lesson.


This looks great! Any other good recommendations like this?


Some here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/18qNHqaZ9CdVwQsh4sEslf3GG...


Lots of valuable long comments here but I'll make it short.

Time only flows one way.


be creative:

https://creapills.com/duo-pere-fille-photographies-insolites...


Nothing. You’ll do fine.


No suggestion but I feel sorry for you. Take care.


Don’t buy them any toys. Two reasons for this:

1. Most of the time they prefer to play with boxes, plastic bottles, stones, sticks, cups… you get the idea.

2. Toys are so abundant in this day and age. Children will get plenty, mountains of toys even if you don’t buy them any. Relatives and friends will give them toys as a gift and also they give children small toys at restaurants or they come with candy or clothes or other products. Soon you will have a huge mountain of toys that came from nowhere.

Edit: ok, maybe buy some for birthdays and Christmas and special days but that’s it.


truth this, my kids will play with pretty much anything but own toys, only exception being building blocks/Lego and now that they are older son okays with cars and daughter with furries (not my idea, I refuse to buy pink things for her), kitchen utensils, containers, boxes etc were very popular earlier


- Every baby and every toddler is super different. Really. I can't believe how much generic advice is given in classes and such. Then they come out and you are like: what the hell? Why is my kid trying to put his head in the toilet or jump out the window, while my friend's kid is eating with a fork in a pink dress and putting together a puzzle (don't mean to gender-stereotype here, although I learned with some sadness that this is not off entirely when it comes to personalities...). Bottom line: your kid's personality can make a HUGE difference in your quality of life in the first few years.

- Sleeping. I was highly suspect of the fact that all those sidecar-style bassinets were sold as almost brand-new...well, it's because there is a significant portion of babies who don't want to sleep apart from their mommy. Our kiddo would not leave a warm body for 4 months. Now try to marry that with safe sleeping recommendations. Pure hell.

I am adamantly against sleep training. I think it's a cruel practice and industry created so adults can go back to work. Which most of us we have to, shortly after having a baby or giving birth. So those things are extremely hard to marry. FOr me, I took the hit (instead of the baby taking the hit). Highly recommend watching this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCZzzqFkyiU&t=2s, and Gabor Mate: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tdljIW86e8

- I can't emphasize enough how important it is that you jump in and help your wife/parther 50-100% more than you think you should. I can't emphasize how hard birth is for the mother. And how hard the early months and years are. There is a peculiar silence around the fact that we go through a major medical event, then are supposed to hop right back on the horse and share things 50-50 with our partner. Whereas our bodies are already taking 70-90% of the work. Add to that that the shitty division of labor in our society (and every other) where women's emotional labor (all the appointments, all the supplies, all the clothes, etc.) is already huge, and THIS is what leads to divorce. Not the lack of dates (although I too vote for making room for dates, or at least simple short emotional check-ins with your partner). Recommended reading: https://bookshop.org/books/how-not-to-hate-your-husband-afte...

Good luck! You'll make a great dad! <3


oo i have a 4 and 2 year old running around as i type this comment. you specifically asked what to prep for what's to come so i'll make some recommendations for that: - you're going to lose sleep, i dont know how to practice or prepare for this other than for the next 4 months (post birth), sleep will be a luxury but even moreso for momma so get as much sleep as you can now. things get better between 4 months and 2 years and then the terrible twos occur which in my experience has been sleepless nights for a couple of weeks again. - you're most likely going to gain weight. most habits/structure you have with working out, diet, etc.. go out the window when baby enters your world. if you dont already have work outs and healthy diet in place, it's only going to get worse. after my first born, i gained 30 pounds and when i received a pre-diabetic prognosis when my son was 12 months, i turned my life around by getting back into the habit of working out/exercising and went strict keto. by the time my second was born, i was down 40 pounds. because i had built the habit of exercise and diet going into my second born, i actually maintained my lifestyle until a completely different life milestone of being forced to step in as a General Contractor for my rona suburb house threw a wrench in everything.

after reading my own comment, i think the main thing to prepare for is sht will feel like it is hitting the fan (sometimes literal sht). nothing will go as expected and everything will change. don't try to "plan" and set expectations for how things will go because it most likely won't happen how it's "planned". this doesn't mean don't plan... you can absolutely plan for things but don't hinge success or happiness based on those plans!

i think i handle stress and unknown situations MUCH better than my partner because i'm a "go with the flow" kind of person. my spouse is a "plan for everything and always get disappointed" kind of person. with kids, nothing ever goes according to plan and the better you can shift your mindset to live and enjoy life as it happens, the more you'll actually be able to.

as the father, there's less we're literally able to do in the first 12 months (if momma is breast feeding) so anything you can help with and call "your responsibility" the less momma has to do. my friends have become the best at: - diaper changers - putting baby to sleep - burping baby after feeding (btw, baby ALWAYS can burb after a feeding. you pat/rub baby back surprisingly hard until you hear them burb, ALWAYS) - shower/bathe baby - washing/cleaning bottles - laundry/cleaning around the house

my life changed when mini-me popped out. hope yours does too!


There are a lot of these that I would agree with as well. These days, my daughter is 21, and my son is 17. Here are some things that I’ve learned that I haven’t seen mentioned yet.

1. Don’t make a habit of being quiet because the baby is asleep. Go about your day, do the things you normally do, and talk at your normal voice. This will allow the child to become accustomed to having noise around when they’re trying to sleep. Otherwise, as they get older they’ll tend to be lighter sleepers, and not sleep as well. If the kid gets tired enough, they’ll fall asleep.

2. I never really talked “baby talk“ to my kids. I never really treated them as “less than“ because they were young. I will talk to them with the same attention as I would talk to anybody else — although when they were younger, I would definitely adjust how I explained whatever it is. About two years ago my son and I were driving somewhere, and he mentioned that this was something that he had always appreciated.

3. Find ways to connect with them. Spend some time in their world with them. Yes, your parent, and your job is to raise them. But meeting them on their level, sitting down on the floor next to your child, fluffy bear, fuzzy bunny, and a bunch of tea cups is a great way to build deep connections with your child from a very young age. As my daughter got older, she loved reading and‘s I would ask her about her favorite books and the characters in them. She’s now a “dungeon master “at D&D parties. My son got really into Minecraft and building these worlds with blocks, that’s why I spend time with him talking about things that could be built. Now, he has his sights set on becoming an indie game developer.

4. Don’t try to make them a copycat of yourself. You are the only you that exists. Instead, help them become the best possible versions of _themselves_. Who _they_ are.

5. No two children are alike. Once you get everything dialed in for the first kid, if you decide to have a second kid, that kid will be completely different. This means that the way you teach things, the way you discipline, the way you do pretty much everything will be different for each kid that you have.

6. Be consistent. You and your spouse should always have a “united front”. You can debate, argue, complain, whatever to each other in private. But in public, in front of the kids, you need to be united. If you say bedtime is 8 o’clock, then bedtime is 8 o’clock. The kids will always try to weasel their way into getting more, or less, so set a few ground rules and keep them. You could always reassess and adjust them as they get older. But kids thrive in structure, so give them the reliability of things they can depend on.

7. One thing that I did when the kids were growing up was to count to 3. There were no halves, no three-quarters. Simply 1, 2, 3. I would tell them that they needed to do something, and if they ignored me, pretended not to hear me, or something else, I would begin the count. I would count one, then repeat the instruction that I had given them before. Then I would count two, and repeat the instruction again. But if I got to three, then it was the end of their little child world. My daughter, who is now 21 years old, has only gotten to three maybe five times her entire life. Two of them were before the age of three.

8. I have a zero tolerance rule for disrespect. I have told them they are free to disagree with me, they are free to feel angry if they don’t like something, they’re free to present their side of the argument if they want. But it will be done respectfully, and with a respectful tone. And I will always show them the same respect. If they start to mu or something under the breath, or back talk, or something else, I will fire warning shot by asking them if they have forgotten who they’re talking to. That’s usually enough and they bring it back down. They know that dad doesn’t fuck around like that.

9. Perspective matters. Your job is not to tell them what to do. Your job is to teach them how to become well-adjusted, fully functional adults. Part of that job it may include telling them what to do, but when they get older they need to be able to make decisions for themselves, and they can’t do that if they spent their entire life being told what to do. When they’re younger and up through the preteen ages, it’s mostly telling them what to do, with some amount of “why“ being part of the answer. As they become teenagers, the amount of telling them what to do lessons, but should be replaced with teaching them how to reason about a situation. You’re not always going to be with them, and if they don’t know how to reason about the situation because you’ve always told them what to do, they’re not gonna be very good at making good decisions for themselves. So you have to teach them how to do that. And that will continue shifting until they become young adults who are moving out and starting their own lives on their own. you never stop being a parent, but the way that you parent changes over time.

10. I’m going to end on this. Make sure that your child knows definitely, unambiguously, and confidently how much you love them, proud of them, and will always be there for them. “I know, dad“ with an Iroll will prove that you’re doing this well. They know it so much that they’re sick of hearing it. But that’s OK, because there are a lot of kids out there who don’t know how their parents feel about them, and that sticks with them for the rest of their lives. And don’t just say it, but show it. Go to their performances, go to their sports games, go to their place. Even if you think it’s boring hearing your kid play their instrument out of tune in an auditorium with a lot of echo, you do whatever you need to do to make sure that they feel like they absolutely killed it. The next school performance will be even better.

I hope this helps!


I can tell this is a veteran child-raiser. You would do well to listen to his advice.


I wrote this a week after our first:

Prepartum

- don't be afraid to call the hospital/go in before birth. At one point we were worried that the baby wasn't moving enough, at another point we thought labour might have started when it hadn't. Both times the hospital were more than happy to check things out, and it gave us peace of mind.

Labour

- you can do a huge amount as support person. I was led to believe that I would be essentially useless during the birth, but at least according to my wife that wasn't the case at all.

- eye contact and synced breathing during pushing helps your partner more than you know. I thought it was pretty daft but afterwards my wife said it was the only thing she was aware of, and she had no idea how fast she was breathing until I told her to slow down.

- question your healthcare staff. Ask them why, what are the risks, what happens if you do nothing. We were told that things weren't going as fast as they should as she was only 6cm dilated and needed oxytocin to move things along: we asked if it was safe to wait an hour and they said it was, we focused on moving round more and stretching the hips, an hour later she was fully dilated and ready to go.

- during the birth, your partner is not a sane, rational adult that you know and love, they need you to look after them. Imagine getting kicked in the balls for 10 hours: you're going to forget to eat/drink, and you're not going to respond well to questions. Remind them to drink, remind them to eat if they are hungry, remind them to move around to help drop the baby down into position.

- Get into support positions that you can maintain. Your partner could be pushing for hours, make sure that how you're holding them/supporting them is sustainable and you aren't hurting yourself. Follow the nurses lead with this, since they do it every day they have a bunch of positions that help the pushing while still being comfortable for them.

- I thought the Dr was being scarily rough with the babies head when it was coming out, but it was just wrinkled skin.

- there will be poo, no one will care

- take spare clothes in case you're there a few days

- take a pillow.

Postpartum

- your partners milk may not come in straight away, the baby may be too sleepy to eat. Prepare to supplement with formula for a bit, and pump to stimulate production. This tool will tell you where your baby needs to be weight Wise https://www.newbornweight.org/chart/

- related to the above: feeding is the priority, not sleep. After leaving the hospital we got told to let the baby feed as wanted, but all the baby wanted to do was sleep. I was pretty proud of taking the baby and letting my wife get some sleep until the next weigh in we found out the baby hadn't eaten enough, then I felt like shit.

- the only thing you can't do after the birth that your partner can is breastfeed, and if they pump you can do that too. Skin to skin contact rewires your brain, and it feels amazing. Since your partners chest smells like milk, the baby may sleep better on your chest instead too.

- Healthcare people can be a bit intense/insensitive. They have a tight schedule, they do this every day, and their main concern is the babies health. None of this is bad, but it can lead to them not being particularly tactful with you. Try and focus on what they are saying and not how they are saying it, and don't be too terrified.

Update now I have a 2 and 3 year old:

- Try and avoid holding your baby directly by your hands, it's easy at first because they are so light, but if you keep doing it as they get older you'll fuck up your wrists. Try and hold them nearer to your elbow. Bonus: when they are a bit bigger you can carry them and still have two hands free

- Always put a nappy (daiper) underneath the one you're about to take off, if there's a second wave you can quickly catch it.

Relationships (assuming you are in one, and your partner is the primary carer):

- Whenever you have a break, before you sit down, ask your partner if you can do anything for them. Remember that breastfeeding/bottle feeding isnt a break for them because they're sitting down with a quiet baby; they're stuck with the baby until it's finished: ask them if they need a drink, or food, etc.

- Stay on the same team. It sounds bad but treat it like you and your partner vs the baby, never like your partner and baby vs you. The baby's goal is to take up all your free time and sleep and make you resent each other, your goal is to help your partner get enough rest, stay sane and feel human.


Not mentioned here yet, as this should be a no-brainer to most people, but if you're American and it's a boy: don't start his life by cutting of a perfectly good piece of penis (i.e., circumcision). That's his call, optionally (but probably not, rare medical conditions excepted) later in life. Don't do it just because the cornflakes guy said so.

If you're going to do that anyway because of religion you won't be convinced otherwise of course.

If you're not a follower of one of those religions that stimulate this, and not an American (or, I think, South Korean), carry on. The thought wouldn't have crossed your mind. As a European the percentage of parents in the US that still chose to mutilate the genitals of their young sons always astounds me¹.

1: https://worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/circumcisio...


Fellow American here.

Didn't realize circumcision was not at all prominent in the UK and Europe until I married my British wife.

Also, there's a huge amount of cognitive dissonance in Americans when it comes to circumcision, so be prepared for backlash should you not circumcise your son.

Netflix even has a documentary on the topic worth watching: 2018 American Circumcision


> Not mentioned here yet, as this should be a no-brainer to most people, but if you're American and it's a boy: don't start his life by cutting of a perfectly good piece of penis (i.e., circumcision). That's his call, optionally (but probably not, rare medical conditions excepted) later in life. Don't do it just because the cornflakes guy said so.

Also if it's a girl there's no need to pierce her ears. She can do it when she's older if she wants to.


Obviously not on the same level as genital mutilation, but yeah, this weirds me out too, and unlike circumcision this seems quite a global phenomenon (although seemingly limited to lower socio-economic demographics). There's a baby girl at our local kindergarten who has her ears pierced. It makes her look like a fashion accessory instead of a child.


Disagree. It’s totally reversible and becomes a reason to stick out in elementary school. Not piercing the ears is akin to naming a kid something weird.


Pain inflicted to the baby is not reversible. Plus clip on earrings exist.


To offer the not-so-rare medical condition story, my wife and I were house-parents at a children's home and one of the 10-year old boys was having recurring infections because of poor hygiene habits. After the second time in the hospital to deal with it, the Dr. decided circumcision was the best course forward. The pain and discomfort that poor boy went through as he recovered is something I'd never wish on anyone.

I have 7 kids of my own now, 4 boys. I had them all circumcised when they were babies. The bell devices are clean and simple and even the chance that they'd have to go through that later was worth it to me.


Speaking as a parent of three boys, one of whom had to be circumcised in second grade or so due to a phimosis, I still feel completely comfortable with my decision not to circumcise my boys as infants. He experienced discomfort for a week or so. It was nothing extreme. He'll suffer far more when he breaks his first bone, but I'm not preemptively amputating any of his appendages to spare him that pain.


Doesn't this just come down to better education on personal hygiene? My parents had a talk with me when I was a kid about washing properly and I've never had an issue and I doubt I'm alone on that.


Dafq, I live in Europe, ex-USSR in fact, and Ive NEVER ever seen a circumcised man (and we have a huge sauna culture, so its not for the lack of possibilities)

To cut something from your child just for "looks" or smth...fck thats sick.


[flagged]


Personal attacks like this will get you banned here, regardless of how right you are or feel you are. It only makes everything worse.

If you wouldn't mind reviewing https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html and taking the intended spirit of the site more to heart, we'd be grateful.


That's an 'attack'? No, that's not an attack, and not even a chiding. It was a clarification.

If you're seeing an attack...you are seeing something that is not there. I did not mean it as a personal attack.


It can be difficult to perceive how a comment will come across on the internet because you (I don't mean you personally—it works this way for all of us) have additional context in your head, such as your intent, the past experiences that have led you to feel or see an issue the way you do, and so on. But you're literally the only person who has that context. If you don't include it explicitly in your text, it remains unavailable to readers.

From the perspective of someone just reading the words with none of that context, I can tell you for sure that your GP comment comes across as a personal attack—specifically, as snarky, aggressive, and judgmental, even crossing into mind-reading (telling someone why they did what they did), and all this on a topic that is highly emotional for most people.

I believe you that you didn't mean it that way! But that for sure is the likeliest default interpretation of your comment, and since "likeliest default interpretation" is what determines the actual impact of a post on the thread, we have to moderate when we see things like that.


Read Brain Rules For Baby


Lift with your knees.


1) If you have anything that needs to be done in the Nursery, get it done now. Also, get a crib tent for the crib... eventually they figure out how to crawl out of the crib. (They might be unsafe?? What.. ugh) Also, you need child proof gates in front of any stairs, or dangerous areas of the house.

1a) Put latches high up out of reach on doors you don't want the kids to be able to open until they're old enough. Simple hook and eye latches work well.

2) There is a parallel universe, kind of like dark matter... that will only become visible once you're a parent. Second hand clothing shops are your friend, find them! If things go well, you'll connect with parents of children slightly older and younger than your child, and become the link in a chain of ownership. -- Rick Grubbs told me this ahead of time, and it was really weird once it happened.

3) Take lots of photos and videos, save them locally, back them up. I can show you my child's face changed at least 5 times in the first year... you can always delete them later. DigiKam is open source photo management that does facial recognition.

3a) There's one picture I never took, and wish I had.... the placenta... so beautiful and it was a wild mix of red and deep blue. (Yeah, weird... but anyway)

3b) I store photos in c:\photos\yyyy\yyyymmdd\ folders, I've never tried to name them all... 700 Gigabytes worth! If you leave them that way, you'll be able to navigate your own history by date much better. It's a handy reference for "when did this happen"

4) You will learn to deal with bodily fluids and solids... it's no big deal after the first few times. ALWAYS keep a boy covered when changing, lest you or the surroundings get sprayed. GET a garbage can with a foot activated lid that takes tall kitchen bags. EMPTY it nightly, and you'll have almost zero smell. You can NEVER have too many packages of wet wipes.

4a) I HAD TO HAVE a diaper genie.... never used it. The garbage can with foot operated lid was MUCH better.

5) GET a stroller that can be deployed and stowed with ONE HAND. If you can get it second hand, that's fine.

6) Car seats are one thing you will likely buy new, make darned sure you've got it installed right, have someone else check it. You'll buy more than one as the child grows.

7) You will find yourself completely cured of any irritation from other people's children crying, and have a strong sympathy.

8) GET a Boopy... they are SOOOO handy

9) There exist pads, sold at stores, that are sold in bulk, "chucks pads", that go under the child while changing, and into the trash. These, along with Disposable diapers and wipes, are game changers. I can't imagine parenting without them.

9a) There exist washable versions of the above, if you have a good washer/dryer and time, and live where water isn't in shortage.

10) You're going to make mistakes, it's fine.


Here's what I always tell soon-to-be-dads:

You're not a mere spectator to the birth; you're the mother's partner, the person who knows her best. During easy births, your job may be trivial, but during complicated births, it can be very important: your wife can be completely wrapped up in her own world where she's doing all the real work, and everybody around you is working on the technical-medical side of things. You're the only one who can get inside her head and tell how she's doing, and communicate that to the medical experts. And sometimes this is important.

During our first pregnancy, I interfered twice, and both times I turned out to be correct. It was a complicated pregnancy that took forever. My wife was at risk of preclampsia, they put her on oxitocin (I think?) to stimulate contractions, and at some point, the contractions were coming at such a rapid succession, that my wife had no time to rest in between. At some point, I noticed she was crying. My wife never cries. Never complains. She's a hardass and when she was younger, doctors have on occasion ignored her broken bones because she wasn't crying out in pain. So for her to be crying was serious. I alerted the nurse or gynaecologist, and they turned down the oxytocin and gave her a bit of morphine to take the edge off.

Many, many hours later, when she was trying to push the baby out, and the nurse and gynaecologist were encouraging her: "It's coming! It's coming!", I asked if the baby was really coming, because she'd been pushing for two hours by now. They couldn't really see. "Well, could you check?" They checked, turns out the baby was stuck behind some bone, and they had to use a suction cup to pull it out. My wife had been squashing our baby against some bone for two hours.

So pay attention and don't be afraid to speak up or ask questions when necessary. Don't be an ass and think you know everything, because you don't, but don't assume they know everything either, because sometimes they don't either. At a hospital, their attention may be divided between multiple births. When birth takes a long time, they may change shifts, and you'll be the only one who's been there from the beginning.

Then again, for our second pregnancy, the gynaecologist was urging us to hurry to the hospital, and thinking of our first birth, I thought: "Have you ever been at a birth? These things take 12 hours at least." We were barely at the hospital, and the baby was already born. No trouble at all. It was the complete opposite experience.

Also: make sure you're home during the first two weeks after birth. Your wife can't and shouldn't do anything; she needs to recover, you take care of her and the household. Also a great time for bonding and learning how to take care of a baby. Don't miss it.


lots of hugs


[flagged]


I feel really, REALLY sorry for you, mate.


Please don't respond to a bad comment by breaking the site guidelines yourself. That only makes things worse.

https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html


[flagged]


We've banned this account for posting flamewar comments and personal attacks. Not what this site is for.

https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html


That dogs are the way to go.




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