One thing that's helped me is learning to enjoy my own company.
This is a life-long endeavor which is helped by my natural curiosity. I love going to unfamiliar sections of the library and learning about subjects I didn't already know.
From this can come hobbies like painting, making music, and writing that don't require anyone but yourself to do or enjoy.
Reading itself is a marvelous solitary activity which can let me live entire lives and in different time periods and places from the perspective of different people, and finding writers who are on the same wavelength as me and who "get it" is a real treat. Then I feel I'm really communing with thinkers who've trod the road before and have a lot to teach me, even if we never meet in person.
The toughest situations are on holidays or weekends when I'm walking by restaurants, bars, or houses with private parties full of couples or people who are friends with one another and having a great time. If I'm not focused on listening to a podcast or music or thinking about something else, and if I'm in a sad mood, that can sometimes be hard to take.
Fortunately, such situations are relatively rare, and most of the time I enjoy reading, watching movies, pursuing my hobbies, and learning new things by myself.
I have also been doing something similar for a few years to distract myself, reading, music, podcasts, long running tv shows, smoking weed, taking a longer route when leaving work on friday which does not have many restaurants/clubs, you name it.
But it still leaves me feeling empty and unfulfilled. And I can feel the problem only getting worse gradually. I have started hating the things I used to love, silence makes me anxious hence I need music pretty the whole time I am awake. Reading or learning anything new seems pointless since I don't know what to do with the new found knowledge/skill. The feeling of "no one cares" amplifies when you are alone. The advise of just "go out more" or "connect with new people" is not much helpful when you have terrible social anxiety and never learned to interact with people.
In short, distracting yourself might help in short term, but it is not a sustainable solution.
Maybe try meetups organized online? Usually every city and region has a subreddit which organizes meetups. I know it will feel forced but at least you can be one of those people at a bar for once :)
One thing to keep is the mentality that you don’t “need” friends. If one happens to come up, great. This way you don’t seem super desperate and can be yourself.
I’m sorry you feel this way, no one deserves to live like that. Putting yourself out there more can do wonders. Maybe try volunteering? Even if you don’t meet anyone, at least you helped someone out.
(using throwaway account so I don't have to sanitize what I write)
I can relate to what you write, I also used to feel social anxiety and always felt (and still sometimes feel) in the wrong place when going out with more social people.
"Not having learned how to interact with people" is exactly how I often feel, having spent much too much time in front of my computer (teaching myself programming) during my younger years.
But nowadays those deficiencies don't bother me much any more. Seems like I finally accepted who I am, and developed some sense of humor or towards situations where my lack of social skills become apparent. I think you overestimate how much people appreciate the social skills of the "cool guys". Sometimes it's quite ok to be a more introverted person that doesn't need to bother people with small-talk. It becomes easier once you stop trying to be someone you aren't. While it may be more difficult to get to know new people, once people get to know you, I think there is quite some tolerance towards people with less-than-average social skills. It doesn't make you a malicious person.
About "connecting with people": due to family ties I stumbled into various niche hobbies that connect me with similar-minded people. I started playing the game of Go at various local clubs and also sometimes take part in amateur tournaments that give handicap to beginners to give everybody a chance. I also started training in some niche martial arts club after suffering quite some anxiety after a neighbour started showing physical agression towards my family.
My experience with those hobbies where generally very positive. Those niche hobbies have a relatively small social circle, so you often run into people you already know, which is much less stressful to me than constantly having to learn to deal with new people. Also the "niche-ness" of those topics seems to impose a filter on the kind of persons that are drawn to them. I often meet very interesting, open-minded people that way, it's easy to have conversations and there's not much need for bull-shit small-talk :). A common, niche interest, already effortlessly creates some connection.
Thinking back now, I think when I was younger I totally underestimated the availability of open-to-everybody activities that you can join if you want to meet like-minded people (or at least people that don't make you feel uncomfortable). I'd also say that I generally was too pessimistic about the impression I made on others.
Not trying to dismiss anything of what you write, which honestly sounds like a pretty taxing situation to be in. Just trying to give some more data points for a bigger (and maybe or maybe not) more realistic picture.
Maybe I should also mention that I suffered panic attacks and related general anxiety problems since my youth but did nothing about that until starting psychotherapy sessions a few years ago. In the beginning, this was a very difficult step to take, but looking back, I think nothing else would have helped in the long run. If you suffer from "terrible" social anxiety, then maybe this is also an angle to consider.
> I can relate to what you write, I also used to feel social anxiety and always felt (and still sometimes feel) in the wrong place when going out with more social people.
I think it is important not to conflate social people with extroverted people. Being somewhat introvert I tend to get exhausted around very extrovert people who suffer from verbal diarrhea. To my mind, a social person is someone who can tune in to other people and make them feel comfortable.
It can be hard to get over the anxiety to actually go out and participate in a club/sport. This feeling is pretty common for even people with good social lives. A trick I've found is just to evaluate your excuses. Usually you'll find that the reasons to skip going out are pretty weak and the potential upside to going is huge. Another one is to think about minimizing regrets. There's a comparatively low chance to regret going out over doing a solo activity.
I've had a similar experience. As a late bloomer socially, I attributed my lack of friends to a defect in my person and was depressed about it throughout HS and Uni.
Reading and writing both are very important to me, as I feel like I'm able to convey my thoughts somewhere and also stay in touch with the world.
But the best thing so far has been podcasts. I suspect its because these are real conversations between humans, rather than the scripted conversations of books, movies etc.
I suspect that if I was not fortunate to work in a high income job, I would be forced to be more social (get a roommate, look for satisfaction in companionship etc.). But I actually prefer the solitude to the many issues and drama that comes with relationships and friendships. That can be an all-consuming world, and I've lost my sense of self by being too involved before.
> The toughest situations are on holidays or weekends when I'm walking by restaurants, bars, or houses with private parties full of couples or people who are friends with one another and having a great time.
What helps me with this is to remember that no relationships are as good as they seem from the outside. Perhaps a terrible way to think about these things.
All human societies incentivize partnerships and nudge lonely humans to pair up. I have to wonder how much of this is derived from our recent past. I'm hoping that as the nature of our society evolves, we will be better able to account for everyone's preferences on how to live their life.
>human societies incentivize partnerships and nudge lonely humans to pair up
I think the opposite is true. For economic growth, maximum workforce mobility is preferable. Relationships reduce mobility, since they tie workers to specific locations. Our society has, for hundreds of years, increased the mobility of its workforce both intentionally and unintentionally, and so the average size of social grouping has declined, from the medieval village, to the victorian extended family, to the 20th century nuclear family, to us - atomized individuals.
Ultimately, if earning power is the sole source of human value, then any tradition that either takes a worker away from their job or doesn't allow them to find their maximum productivity role will progressively wither, since the followers of such traditions will be competing for resources against higher-income individuals, who can consequently outbid them.
So this sets up a sliding scale of incentives, that goes all the way down to forcible eviction (if you're choosing social ties over productivity, are you always going to pay rent) or starvation (like generations of farmers, 'starved out' of their land).
Great comment. I think it's important to remember that being with other people won't necessarily make you feel good. In fact, more generally, nothing in life that you feel you are lacking beyond the basic requirements for survival and dignity will necessarily make you feel a lot better when you have it. There are introverted, largely solitary people who fully enjoy their lives, and there are extremely social people with tons of friends who are miserable most of the time, and vice versa.
It's the same with money or romantic love or fame or physical beauty or success or sex or just about anything else. People who have as much as they could ever want of all those things routinely kill themselves. The only thing that seems to work consistently is learning to challenge that inner voice that tells you aren't enough, don't have enough, etc. etc. and make the most of whatever you do have.
> I think it's important to remember that being with other people won't necessarily make you feel good.
This is something I’ve been coming to terms with a lot lately. I grew up in an abusive family with drug addict parents where neglect was a common thing so I strongly crave attachment. But just because you are physically with other people doesn’t mean that attachment and connections will be formed. In fact, I’ve found in most situations the opposite is true: lackluster interactions that leave me feeling even more disconnected and detached because they feel so vapid, meaningless, and shallow.
I’ve endured quite a lot of pain and found that nothing is quite as painful as feeling completely alone in a room full of friends, family, and/or coworkers.
I recently had a coworker that had a medical issue that required him to have someone around. Typically a spouse, adult child, roommate, friend, etc. could fill that role, but when the medical staff asked him who he had, he realized that he had no one and didn't have an answer to their question. He ended up having to pay a nurse type person to come and stay at his house with him. I prefer solitude myself also, but after hearing about his experience I'm glad that I have some people in my life I can rely on.
I don’t think distracting yourself from meeting new people is what the author had in mind. Or should be thought of as good advice on how to deal with it.
Blindly meeting people is like blindly sending your resume hoping you'll land a job. "Just go meet some new people" is not an actionable piece of advice, it's a platitude.
For most adults it’s not always so much meeting a bunch of random people so much as nurturing the relationships you already have.
As for romantic ones, most people these days do find their partners on dating apps, so “blindly” meeting dates that can turn into your most initiate relationship is not only accepted but is the norm.
You're making it sound like putting on a blindfold and running into things hoping to strike a relationship. How about take a class you're interested in and look to instigate conversation with classmates about the subject matter?
> Yes, I think, loneliness can be coped with training our mind and body. It's a skill that could be developed by anyone.
I'm skeptical. Not that it can be developed, but that everyone can develop it to the point of being able to adequately cope with loneliness. From male prisoners today to pioneer wives of the 19th century, it seems pretty clear to me that some kinds of loneliness can be absolutely devastating for a subset of the population, which in turn suggests susceptibility and responses to loneliness behave like many other aspects of the human condition.
I say this as someone who could likely be teleported to another planet for weeks if not years and be okay--other than perhaps losing the ability to speak[1] and maybe being more susceptible to mild depression or illness--so long as I had stuff to do. I'm not anti-social, but I am an introvert, and socializing takes energy and effort; just physically being in the presence of others can be draining. Conversely, I have several friends and family who derive energy from socializing. I don't think I'd ever have the energy to socialize as often and freely. They almost seem to crave it like they crave air or food. This makes me think that there are those on the opposite end of the spectrum for whom the effort required to stay psychologically healthy in the face of loneliness is more than they could ever muster.
Our brains are like our bodies--while they function similarly, capacities can differ, and differ to the point where not all people can be expected to be able to sustain the same loads, even with all the exercise and preparation in the world. To suggest otherwise risks making other people feel inadequate or failures, especially those who need and seek external validation (again, for the most part not me, even though it still feels nice ;)
The suggestions in the article basically amount to Socrates' instruction to "know thyself". Everybody would benefit from that, though it comes easier for some than others.[2] But that's merely a necessary condition (especially for depression), hardly a sufficient one.
[1] After just 2 or 3 days of no talking I often stumble on the first few words out of my mouth. Likewise for listening to people, though that aspect is difficult to put into words.
[1] Sometime you need input, directly or indirectly, from others to better understand yourself. I definitely don't think I'd thrive were I completely alone.
I do this too and I’m not sure how good it is - I mean it’s good that you’re not drinking or overeating to cope but you’re (not just you, but the royal you) still just masking the problem
I've learned so much living a solitary life that I probably would never have learned if I'd spent all that time socializing.
That's not to say there aren't benefits to socializing more, but I don't think it's so obvious which is better. Each has their advantages and disadvantages.
There is loneliness and there is solitude. I do not consider the latter to be the problem at all.
I may even claim that the inability to be alone and in silence may be the symptom of the deeper problem. What do you want to drown in the stream of constant interactions and music? Maybe that inner voice wants to say something very important?
This is a life-long endeavor which is helped by my natural curiosity. I love going to unfamiliar sections of the library and learning about subjects I didn't already know.
From this can come hobbies like painting, making music, and writing that don't require anyone but yourself to do or enjoy.
Reading itself is a marvelous solitary activity which can let me live entire lives and in different time periods and places from the perspective of different people, and finding writers who are on the same wavelength as me and who "get it" is a real treat. Then I feel I'm really communing with thinkers who've trod the road before and have a lot to teach me, even if we never meet in person.
The toughest situations are on holidays or weekends when I'm walking by restaurants, bars, or houses with private parties full of couples or people who are friends with one another and having a great time. If I'm not focused on listening to a podcast or music or thinking about something else, and if I'm in a sad mood, that can sometimes be hard to take.
Fortunately, such situations are relatively rare, and most of the time I enjoy reading, watching movies, pursuing my hobbies, and learning new things by myself.