It is indeed tricky. I want to give developers a positive association with our company and with me as an individual. Being confrontational does the opposite.
I think, in this case, being confrontational is the right thing to do (though I don't think you should have to engage in a confrontation if you don't want to).
Most people (despite the arguments here, which are mostly about either semantics or arcane ethical points) think that the way the guy you described behaved is unacceptable. You're one of us, a hacker, and you don't deserve to be treated like that. I can't imagine you'd get anything other than a positive association from standing up for the rights of hackers to get on and live their lives free of that kind of harassment and bullying.
I don't really understand why people don't mention this more often: the kind of bullying that women in tech receive now is pretty much the kind of bullying that male geeks got from non-geeks twenty years ago. It's not really anti-women so much as it's anti-people-being-geeks; society at large may have (grudgingly!) accepted male geeks, but female geeks are still getting abuse for being more interested in computers or science or whatever than in what society thinks they 'should' be doing. As such, this affects all of us and we all need to be pretty damn clear that we won't stand for it.
> I think, in this case, being confrontational is the right thing to do (though I don't think you should have to engage in a confrontation if you don't want to).
I can't agree with that. The situation she describes is where she's acting as a representative of her company, and anything she does is as the face of the company, rather than as a person.
The decision to be confrontational about it is her company's decision, not hers.
I am absolutely empowered, as an individual or on behalf of my company, to tell this guy he is an ass. Or to ask the conference organizers to boot him. But I didn't feel like doing either. I didn't even cross my mind at the time.
It's kind of like when a crazy person yells at you on the street. Yeah, you could tell them to stop, because it makes you uncomfortable, but that would require even more interaction, and they'd probably do something to make you even more uncomfortable. Easier to walk away.
At least by sharing it here some people can learn from the example of what not to do :)
Being confrontational also brings the issue to light and may take us one step closer to solving the problem. Simply ignoring the matter (as uncomfortable as it would be to deal with both as a victim and as someone who doesn't want to put their company in a bad light; I can only imagine) quietly indicates that we're ok with this kind of behavior.
I suppose this is one of those "there's a time and place" issues. I wouldn't likely call out such an asshole while I'm on stage (unless this person tried to humiliate me while I was presenting, in which case I'd simply state that's not an appropriate comment for the conference and move on to the next person), but I'd certainly escalate[1] the issue privately.
We need to look into some sort of zero-tolerance[2] policies for this kind of thing until the message that this isn't okay is clearly understood. Certainly if I'm hosting or attending a conference and witness this kind of behavior, I'll be going out of my way to get this person removed from the conference and will also bring it up with their employer.
[1] In the "I'd like to speak with a manager" sense, not throwing a loud tantrum.
[2] Not that I generally support zero-tolerance policies, or find them effective. But I think the concept is directionally correct; any attendee making another attendee (including speakers) feel uncomfortable or unsafe should be removed form the event. Maybe they get one strict warning; it depends how obviously offensive they were being.
You are wise. You may have more of an impact with a discreet riposte to the person at the time the incident happens. Not to embarrass him (the first time), but a simple "this sucks and here's why" kind of non-emotional response. It's the kind of thing you have to be prepared to deliver- maybe even rehearsed (we all have those situations in our lives that take us by such surprise that we're stunned for a while).
It's entirely possible that the guy thought he was being funny, has no idea he wasn't and genuinely finds women painful because he's so ignorant. By adopting the role of teacher, you may win a valuable ally.
But there is a more subtle effect here (if you're still reading and haven't thrown something at the monitor yet). This response from you, if you do it the way I have in mind (even if I'm not articulating it properly), will be entirely patronizing, in fact it will be patronizing in exactly the way men like this patronize you (and I know you know what I'm talking about-- see below). It is delivered from a position of strength, not weakness, in the sense that you are giving sage advice: is he smart enough to see it? Some will be, some won't.
Beyond this, remember to trust your gut. Sometimes the guy is just an asshole (a big clue is if other guys think he's an asshole) and words like I've written above are totally off-the-mark for the situation.
My wife is in a male-dominated (at her level) role, and I hear these stories all the time. Sometimes my advice is helpful- often she tells me to just STFU and listen. YMMV.
Ha! Some of that page is pretty stupid, but in general it sounds like it's kind of put-down teasing (done with both sexes, actually). Only works as flirting if there's NO WAY it could actually be true, and both people know it. Almost always has to be someone who knows you well enough to tease in a way that they recognize.
Yeah, maybe someday he'll meet someone who cares enough to set him straight.
