On a side note, I have been reflecting on the impact of modern Internet contents on me for the last 12 years or so. The conclusion is, for whatever the reason, the impact is mostly negative. It would do me a great favor to simply remove Youtube, social media sites and anything similar from my life.
I probably have ADHD. I rarely completed any side projects. I'm anxious most if the time, biting my fingers all the time, a habit I formed before I reached teenage. Having access to the modern Internet makes everything above worse, a lot worse. Yes they also introduced a lot of ineresting things to me, but there are endless amount of interesting things in the world and I need to focus on a couple of them to get a deeper understanding. Reading new contents every day is my escape, not my medicine.
Maybe I should just block myself from the Internet. I taught myself Foxbase and Foxpro back in the 90s without the Internet. I taught myself C++ in 2012 without the modern Internet (SO was the only source I inquired and the experience was bad). If I really want to achieve something meaningful in the rest of my life, which is about 3 to 4 decades based on the mortality curve, I probably should just plug off from the internet.
But how do I do that? Apparently Internet is essential nowadays for day to day chores, and my family absoutely needs a high speed Internet. How can I go back to the cave? I don't have enough will power to do that.
I can recommend leechblock a lot. It allows you to block websites using Regex and some time based rules.
You could for example block reddit from 0800 to 1900 but still open individual posts you found while using a search engine. For me (I have ADHD, but I don't think that makes the difference in this case) that's the perfect balance between usability and avoiding endless scrolling.
In Plato’s allegory of the cave it isn’t the cave you want to go back to, it is your family you want to awaken to the fact that they are inside he cave being entertained by shadow puppets.
I saw a tip once from a 3D artist on how he mastered sculpting. Everyday he would force himself to just sculpt a straight line on his model. This one line was enough to engage his brain and before he knew it he would keep sculpting.
I use this in coding. Just do this one function then you can do whatever. Most of the time I won't go back to procrastinating, but end up spending an hour or so working on the project.
I also think the opposite is true. If you try to force yourself to work many hours per day on side projects by disabling the internet or netflix etc. you will burn out.
If it helps you at all - you're definitely not alone with this, I'm going through the same "existential crisis" of sorts in my 30s.
The internet and the variety of content and dopamine sources are horrible for some people who have ADHD, myself included. So much time wasted last decade going down the rabbithole on Youtube, Wikipedia, video games, etc. with deep regrets of missing out on more important things in life like networking, socializing, trying new things, etc. Not sure if you feel that way as well.
Even with long-term medication (Vyvanse)- which I have my own personal reservations about if they really "work" or not - I still struggle with this daily.
If you're looking/asking for advice - for me, I've found that taking drastic, meaningful actions help. "ripping the bandaid off", if you're familiar with that phrase.
I've unplugged my gaming PC, threw the power cord in the trash, and challenged myself to go as long as I could without it. I purchased a lower-end laptop and dock to plug into to still have dual monitors. It's not powerful enough to play the games I want to play which was the point, but I could still run VS Code to work with Python, Javascript, spin up webservers to play around, etc.
I ended up lasting a couple of weeks before purchasing a new power cord - but I did learn to remember that I do like programming/scripting.
The lack of self-control/willpower sucks. It would be nice if there were ADHD life coaches that didn't cost an arm and a leg.
Thanks. I think I'm fine with missing out on networking or other human interaction because I'm pretty awkward with that, even after getting married and a son. But yeah I get your feeling because I do regret missing out other things like growing my careers or focusing on something more meaningful.
I feel that you are not at peace with yourself yet. I can't have that too, maybe for the whole life. I hope eventually you can have peace with yourself.
Actually, the more I read your post, the more I feel that we have the same issues. I had those "ripping the Band-Aid off" moments too, but they never worked for long. I also lack self-control/willpower and fancy about a service that throws me into a prison and forces me to do what I want to focus on.
I'd advise people not to self-diagnose with mental diseases, go to a doctor and get checked. Being neurodivergent became fashionable, but there's natural neural diversity among humans. Most people are easily distracted, have difficulty focusing, are unusually sad/tired or happy/energetic according to the whims of life, etc. Most people need to overcome this so they make an effort to put aside distractions, concentrate, be more resilient to uncertainty, etc.
Normal humans have a wide range of neural diversity, that's not a disease.
Yeah I totally agree. I'm going to get it checked out. I just think that without any external help, it is hopeless for me to push away distractions for a reasonably long time. So either I find a way to increase my will power, or find a way to numb my sensitivity to the distractions.
Reading about adhd to understand how it impacts your brain and life
Reading about coping mechanisms and actually doing them
Things everyone hears and never does but it absolutely helps: good diet, exercise, meditation
Work on any other mental health issues you have
Therapy
Lots of trial and error of management methods to see what works
Learning to be kind to myself
Stopping “I should” statements.
Realizing that if something was actually that important to me, I would work on it. If I don’t finish a side project it means it probably isn’t that important and that’s okay
And medication, which alone is at least 30% of the improvement
Thanks. I guess eventually I need to be at peace with myself, which I cannot do that. TBH I loathe myself. I can lie to others but I cannot lie to myself. I guess therapy is probably my best resort.
I really disliked myself for most of my life and even now struggle with it. The thing that helped me a lot was learning to be unconditionally kind to others both in my thoughts and actions. Once that was normalized it was easy to apply the same thought process to myself.
Thanks. I'm fine with other people. I know most people are simply controlled by fate and randomness so it's pointless to blame anyone for anything. I don't know how to make peace with myself though even though I agree it's the same story for myself.
I feel like I'm in a similar boat. Like 6 different mental disorders including constantly pulling my hair out.
I've contemplating sales calls. You can theoretically make like on the order of over $1000/hour while sitting on a bench or walking on a trail. It can be done in short bursts once you get the hang of it.
Then once you have some financial freedom in a few hours of successful work (not the first few hours), you can sell other people designs for clubhouses and build them all over the world and pay people to show up to club meetings (because sadly that is the only way).
Modern workplaces are a lot like clubhouses because everyone is friends there, but they suck because you have to be there all day. If you could just show up to any workplace for a few hours here and there whenever you wanted, the world would be a better place. Some days you could be a dishwasher, other days you could be a bulldozer operator or dig in the mines. I like to try new jobs.
I actually pushed myself into a Sales position 10 years ago. I worked as a stock broker for a few years, just for the challenge. Eventually I realized that I really hated this kind of job, so I quit the job without earning anything substantial.
Very familiar with ADHD and anxiety which is extremely disruptive. I sometimes think its more of a autistic spectrum thing as there is a vivid world of thought in my head I retreat into and the real world. The anxiety part is where the self sabotage comes from as you get bad thoughts stuck in your head which puts fear into you and causes a feed-back loop of doom that leads to depression. That or you invent all sorts of "bad" fantasy outcomes or scenarios that become excuses to avoid anxiety causing things without ever attempting anything. That leads to depression.
I think the right answer is therapy and likely medication. I am currently looking for therapy but navigating the US medical system and insurance bullshit is triggering on every level causing anxiety, depression, and rage. I suppose I'll have to sacrifice my savings and pay out of pocket.
Good luck, stay strong, and remember - you can overcome it. It takes effort which for us is very very difficult.
P.S. Youtube sucks and I avoid it like the plague. Video as a form of blog is crap IMO, especially if you have ADHD and so on. I just want to skim a text article and if I see enough interesting information I'll take the time to read it.
as someone who suffers similar experiences, especially ocd related to nail-biting and rumination/adhd rabbit-holes, something i've adopted is a shift in attitude: i decided a while ago i was going to stop punishing or shaming myself for what my brain finds interesting or worth pursuing (ie: the "rabbit-hole", the fixation, the current dopamine drip).
most of the time my rabbit holes are pragmatic and related to a hobby, skill, or educational/learning.
but sometimes the rabbit holes are escapism -- and instead of telling myself this is wasted time, i've tried to develop a more cooperative relationship w my feelings and my brain --the brain, the body, perhaps the "spirit" was in need of rest, and it recuperates in ways that generally are creature comforts (maybe reading or Netflix binges or video games and chess or sleeping for me, YMMV w.r.t. "meaningless" activities).
this has mitigated a lot of the existential dread i previously would experience, especially in how i relate to perceived "wasted time".
obviously this is my experience and i do not mean to imply the above anecdote as being a prescriptive change, but the existential dilemmas i'd find myself in due to whatever neuro divergence i demonstrate, have gotten a lot less frequent, and i find myself enjoying these experiences, and therefore appreciating my rabbit-holes more and more over time. or rather, appreciating my brain, and my experiences overall.
i've tried the preventative and/or tried fighting "against the current", so to speak, and it always left me exhausted, depressed, despairing, lamenting, and floating back the way i came, so i kinda said fuck it, built myself a raft that i strengthen over time, and just navigate the waters as they come.
edit: i realize i drifted away from the original topic -- i've had the opposite experience with the internet. while it has contributed to me consuming otherwise "meaningless" content from time to time for no other reason than wanting to be a couch potate, i have benefitted from the ease of access to information in such a crazy fucking way, especially with platforms like youtube (and forums, or aggregators) -- i mean we effectively have libraries in various forms and abstractions at our fingertips. yes it means accessible vectors for distraction, but man -- it's single-handedly the one tool my life has benefitted the most from using -- and that includes some of the listed pursuits involving networking, relationship building/socializing, my career, my "real-world" interests and experiences, good, bad, and everything in between.
I probably have ADHD. I rarely completed any side projects. I'm anxious most if the time, biting my fingers all the time, a habit I formed before I reached teenage. Having access to the modern Internet makes everything above worse, a lot worse. Yes they also introduced a lot of ineresting things to me, but there are endless amount of interesting things in the world and I need to focus on a couple of them to get a deeper understanding. Reading new contents every day is my escape, not my medicine.
Maybe I should just block myself from the Internet. I taught myself Foxbase and Foxpro back in the 90s without the Internet. I taught myself C++ in 2012 without the modern Internet (SO was the only source I inquired and the experience was bad). If I really want to achieve something meaningful in the rest of my life, which is about 3 to 4 decades based on the mortality curve, I probably should just plug off from the internet.
But how do I do that? Apparently Internet is essential nowadays for day to day chores, and my family absoutely needs a high speed Internet. How can I go back to the cave? I don't have enough will power to do that.