One of the smartest things I ever did was to just sort of quietly quit putting so much effort into pleasing all the people I used to depend on to reinforce my self-esteem or sense-of-self or whatever-it-is. I kind of died, and was reborn as myself. It's way better. But the self I am is much smaller than the one I wished I was or thought I could be or whatever... the one I conceived of. (There is no limit to what we can conceive of, so it's not super impressive to dream up a big version of yourself. Just be who you are and forgive yourself for not being the outsized caricature.)
The emptiness in your life will never go away. The error lies in thinking there ought to be more. More more more, it ought to ring a bell, and be recognized as a form of greed. Trying to fill the hole with friends is just as bad as filling it with drugs or booze or work. Just let it be empty. What's the big deal? It's empty, so what? Don't dwell on it, because that's the same thing, except you're trying to fill the emptiness up with an obsession about the emptiness itself. That isn't going to work, the emptiness will just grow to accommodate itself and eventually swallow you too. Get back to work. It's the one thing everyone has to do to survive, even if you're rich and it's just the work of showering once in a while. But don't try to fill the emptiness with work either. Just be like an animal (the animal you actually are). Get a dog if it helps you remember.
my dogs gave me much needed contrast to compare my outsized ego against. made me realize how insignificant my struggle was to the lightness of what I imagine it is to live in the moment like dogs/cats (animals).
loved every sentence of what you wrote on embracing emptiness. thanks for sharing.
I don't think there is an error thinking there ought to be more. I think we need to find what fills that emptiness. Something that gives life, your life, a sense of purpose and meaning. For me, it's knowing that I chose to come to this planet. It's knowing why I choose to come, what I'm supposed to do while I am here. And when I do what I know is right, I feel the emptiness fill up and I become much more than I could ever alone.
There certainly are constructive responses to it, nothing wrong with that. For me, I'm just a little wary of letting the need take over. I try to reduce the sense of need so that the stuff you're talking about ends up coming from a sense of play, not from need. Like a good analogy would be enjoying every job interview for the conversation because you don't happen to need the job.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” -- C.S. Lewis
What happens when the dog dies? If a pet is giving you the only love you know, it's going to destroy you to watch it pass. I'm saying that from experience.
And we're very unlike animals too. Intelligence is unlike any other force in nature. We're the only thing that can drastically and intentionally shape the world around us, find and preserve knowledge for thousands of years. Even language itself is incredible, and nothing like what we see with animals.
You're not wrong about shallow relationships and striving for approval being a trap though. But there is an alternative to being swallowed by emptiness. It's not the most popular thing to talk about, but when people refer to "saving faith", that emptiness you describe, is what they are saved from.
No emptiness to report over here, people will suck you dry until you are empty with their insatiable desires for novelty, entertainment and financial assistance. Being alone is more sustainable for me.
This just gave me a newfound perspective about myself that I had been trying to find for so long. Ever since I started my job and COVID started weakening, I realised that I don’t need a lot of people I thought I did. Spending more time with the people I actually like was far more enjoyable than distributing it among all the people I expected to stay friend with.
I had a friend who put it best once when someone got mad at her for always going hiking/climbing/etc instead of hanging out - “I only have so much free time so if I can spend it doing something I enjoy AND hangout with friends of course I’m going to tend towards that vs just sitting around chatting”
And it’s true, most my good friendships are built around activities (even ones like cook dinner and watch a movie) as it’s an easy way to sustain them
I was going to say, same here, I have my spouse, my hobbies, my friends, work I like, what's there to be empty about?
Which country do you live in, by the way?
EDIT: After some light stalking, you aren't in the US. I wonder if life in the US is more alienating, that's certainly what I hear from lots of friends who moved there.
I have the impression that it is, without relying on cold data. I think society is a bit selfish, friendships a bit formal, enthusiasm a bit false and people lack aspirations which aren't career related and life models. But I think these points are valid for the Western hemisphere in general compared to 20 or 30 years ago.
It depends on the country, definitely true for England, maybe true for France, not true for Spain, for example. I think it's mostly northern countries and their colonies. The Mediterranean peoples are very different.
That's been my unscientific observation as well, compared to my stints in other countries. It is the flip side (dark side?) of the highly individualistic culture.
I used to feel like this, that I just had to put up with my constant feeling of emptiness and meaninglessness and that all these activities I saw other people doing and supposedly enjoying were just futile attempts to get away from their own emptiness or pain.
Then I figured out that I have "complex PTSD" from being abandoned and mistreated as a child. My feelings of emptiness and meaninglessness were my mind blocking out more painful feelings of fear and anger which came from my early childhood. After working on this for some years I now feel much more emotionally whole and basically relaxed.
I can't articulate why at the moment, but your second paragraph gives me the same feeling as I had when I first heard of the story about the Feynman interpretation of QM. When asked what the meaning of the spin tensors (or whatever) was and how much underlying reality there was behind the theory, Feynman replied, "shut up and calculate".
Actually, let me amend the previous statement. It's the Feynman interpretation of QM combined with the adage "there are exactly two mandatory activities in a life: taking your first breath and taking your last breath. Everything in between is optional"
The emptiness in your life will never go away. The error lies in thinking there ought to be more. More more more, it ought to ring a bell, and be recognized as a form of greed. Trying to fill the hole with friends is just as bad as filling it with drugs or booze or work. Just let it be empty. What's the big deal? It's empty, so what? Don't dwell on it, because that's the same thing, except you're trying to fill the emptiness up with an obsession about the emptiness itself. That isn't going to work, the emptiness will just grow to accommodate itself and eventually swallow you too. Get back to work. It's the one thing everyone has to do to survive, even if you're rich and it's just the work of showering once in a while. But don't try to fill the emptiness with work either. Just be like an animal (the animal you actually are). Get a dog if it helps you remember.