Opportunity. The longer you wait to have children, the harder it'll be to raise them and really participate in their lives unless you do manage to become some true success story.
I'm almost 34, unlikely to be married for at least another year (based on current relationship's progression), and don't want kids until we've been together for at least 3 years (I want us to have an opportunity now to act as a couple, so we have that relationship and not just children holding us together for the rest of ours lives). So I'm basically not planning to have kids until I'm 37. That's assuming this relationship works out. I'll be 55 when the youngest might graduate high school. 60 when they graduate college. They'll have children in, what, 10-15 years after that if they imitate me? So I'll see grandchildren when I'm 70-75. I'll never see great-grandchildren. And, thanks to already existing issues with my back, my mobility is going to be reduced each year despite my efforts to stay in shape. I won't be able to take my children camping and hiking like I'd like to. Neither the challenging areas, nor the long backpacking trips. I'll be able to watch them participate in physically challenging activities, but unable to participate myself. Parenting at a distance.
OTOH, had I pursued relationships more actively in my early 20s, I could have the kids out of the home by my mid-40s. That 10+ year difference is huge. It may have impacted my long term earning potential. Or, it could have given me better motivation at the time to maximize my income, for the sake of the family, rather than being contented with more middling offers because it was just my wellbeing and interests at stake.
I know your argument seemed to be simply stating some logic, I wanted to respond because even though you didn't say it outright, I sensed some degree of anxiety or sadness or something in your comment. Or maybe, others in a similar boat might be experiencing that.
In my case (turning 35 shortly), for reasons completely out of our control, my wife and I have not been able to bear children. We are getting to the point where the only option is adoption, which we are not against. The risk and cost of any other options are just far too high.
I didn't wait, I was married once in my 20s but my ex-wife had an affair and that was the end of that relationship. Took me a number of years to meet my current wife, and several years to get to the point of trying for children.
All I guess I'm trying to say is, even though you say you could have tried harder in your early 20s - I did, and it still didn't work out for me with regards to having children as young as possible (yet).
So for yourself, I hope you don't hold it against yourself that you did what you did. Even if you had tried hard, it might not have worked out - and I guess this is just how it goes.
So you reached out and I appreciate that and wanted to thank you for it. I think trying to help people with comments like this is one of the great things of this particular forum.
That said, there's no particular sadness for me with regard to this. I was trying to point out, though, that the calculus isn't money then kids, it's also time and health. All those things ought to be weighed, particularly if you're in a position in your younger years to choose to have kids or wait (or try, as your case and many of my friends' point out, not everyone will be successful). In my case, I skipped relationships in my 20s because of my issues with depression. If I couldn't hold myself together emotionally, I didn't need to be in a serious relationship. I tried that, it was disastrous for everyone involved. Once I got my head on straight a few years ago I opened myself up to it again.
But I also want to say, thanks for being open to adoption. My girlfriend is adopted, as are several of my other good friends. People who are willing to take on children not their own, and provide them with good, loving families, are among the best, in my book. I wish more of my friends in your situation shared your willingness.
> The risk and cost of any other options are just far too high.
A few years older than you and in a somewhat similar situation. Don't answer if it's too personal of a question, but did you check out IVF? If so, what was the average rates you were getting quoted?
We were told that IVF would cost anywhere between $12-15,000 per attempt, there is no guarantee, and the woman has to be injected with a cocktail of hormones that is quite complex and has some associated risks. Generally it seemed much more physically and mentally demanding and expensive for something that might not work out.
We chose to try IUI treatments at a local, well-regarded fertility clinic and have had several much less invasive rounds of treatment for about $6,000.
Alas, ultimately nature will decide. We are looking into adoption at this point, and honestly I feel that I would be very happy with that outcome as well.
Thanks for the answer. This is in the price range I've heard, and I've also learned that IVF is certainly no silver bullet - it is a gamble with decent, but not gimme, odds.
I'm almost 34, unlikely to be married for at least another year (based on current relationship's progression), and don't want kids until we've been together for at least 3 years (I want us to have an opportunity now to act as a couple, so we have that relationship and not just children holding us together for the rest of ours lives). So I'm basically not planning to have kids until I'm 37. That's assuming this relationship works out. I'll be 55 when the youngest might graduate high school. 60 when they graduate college. They'll have children in, what, 10-15 years after that if they imitate me? So I'll see grandchildren when I'm 70-75. I'll never see great-grandchildren. And, thanks to already existing issues with my back, my mobility is going to be reduced each year despite my efforts to stay in shape. I won't be able to take my children camping and hiking like I'd like to. Neither the challenging areas, nor the long backpacking trips. I'll be able to watch them participate in physically challenging activities, but unable to participate myself. Parenting at a distance.
OTOH, had I pursued relationships more actively in my early 20s, I could have the kids out of the home by my mid-40s. That 10+ year difference is huge. It may have impacted my long term earning potential. Or, it could have given me better motivation at the time to maximize my income, for the sake of the family, rather than being contented with more middling offers because it was just my wellbeing and interests at stake.