I too used to be plagued by wishy-washy friends, and since waiting on finalization of plans can be a real pain, I decided to find some ways to deal with them.
The first thing I did was set up a google group for my friends. There are about 20 memebers in it and we share stuff between each other by email occasionally but also make plans.
The second thing I learned was never to entice people or make plans, but simply to announce plans. I'd email the group:
"I'm going hiking at Franconia Notch this weekend if anyone is interested. Leaving from my house around 10AM Saturday."
That's it. No waiting for replys, no waiting on people at all. If you want to come with me you'll be around at 10AM Saturday or you won't.
There's no frustration if its only me going, as I intended to go alone, and if anyone wants to come along then that's a pleasant surprise. But I won't base my activity schedule around waiting for them.
Surprisingly, since I started doing this, more people seem to come along. Motivation is contagious, I think, and it seems the thought of someone else already 100% committed to doing something makes it easier in the minds of others to commit themselves.
So make it easy for your friends. This way they don't feel guilty or obligated one way or the other, which is a huge relief for some personality types.
Later, I made a second google group for announcing house dinners, and now regularly 5-15 people show up every wednesday and we cook and eat together.
> The second thing I learned was never to entice people or make plans, but simply to announce plans.
This is also a great way to get dates: you don't "ask" them on a date, you merely invite them to go on a date that you'd already planned. It works much the same way as you prescribe. You're actually implying: "I'm going to go do something cool with or without you, and this is my invitation for you to join me _if you wish_."
Additionally, you can't be stood up if you never solidify your plans to revolve solely around one other person.
People like to be lead. Making decisions is somewhat mentally difficult/draining and people like to be told what to do (I've noticed this in areas like social settings and designing landing pages).
That was my thought, too: This is a fairly simple but apparently effective bit of dating advice.
Don't invite someone out "sometime". Propose having dinner this Friday at 8 pm. Or better, dinner this Friday at 8 pm at Chez Whatever.
If they don't like Chez Whatever, you can negotiate on this point. Or maybe 8:30 pm is better.
Anything other than a clean reason for declination, including the proverbial "Perhaps another time", is "no". Well... You might still follow up to be sure. Again, with a specific proposal.
I also like the idea of a sort of "non-date". I'm going to be doing some (cool to me, at least -- I'll be having fun) stuff. Want to join in?
If you're enjoying yourself, you're probably going to be a lot more attractive, anyway.
Once you start doing things alone (or at least being willing to go alone), you'll find yourself shifting your activities to things you truly enjoy. In a social context, you often do a lot of things you don't intrinsically enjoy just because you enjoy the company you're with.
Specifically in the context of hiking, I've always told people who are interested in backpacking with me - if you wouldn't do this alone, you probably won't enjoy it even with a group.
I cannot even begin to tell you how often I experience this. It's fascinating how clearly drawn leadership and followship (is that a word?) are now that we live in the digital world.
As someone else mentioned, motivation is contagious.
I've heard the word followship used in this way. Basically "trying" to lead rarely works, but just leading works fine.
You can then touch base with folks to find out what works and doesn't. So using the GP example you can inform folks you're hiking on Saturday a 10AM or something, and after a few of these you may find someone who expressed an interesting in hiking has never shown up, and you can check in with them. "Hey the hikes have been going great, would love to see you some time so we could hike together. Is there something that would make it easier for you to attend?" And you might get "ok my kids play soccer on Saturdays" or "I'm swamped with house projects" or something else.
If there is something you can try, like alternately going on Sundays or early morning weekdays, then try that. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't.
I've tried this approach and it works but there are situations when one can't go alone. In my case I like to play football(soccer, if you will) and it requires a minimum of 10 to play, it's extremely stressful when we get the people, book the field and when we arrive there we are always short by one.
Life's too short to fart around with trying to find those extra few people. If you join a league, not only will you get your match fixes on a more regular basis, you'll have a broader pool to select from if you do try and set up something ad-hoc.
Well yeah I did try that and I played in a couple in the past but the main problem with that solution is the stress involved. Its totally different when you are playing with friends just for the sake of it, when someone plays a little rougher everything's alright quickly afterwards. In a league, and I strongly believe this is a cultural thing, people tend to lose Lots of time complaining and I end up enjoying it much less.
Seriously though, I understand what you are saying. Some people - men especially - seem to forget that there isn't much chance that there are scouts for premiership teams in the stands, because there isn't anyone in the stands at all.
There are rec leagues and co-ed leagues that are significantly more geared to people having a good time and not thinking they are the city's version of Messi. Seek those out. Also see if you can play in a Master's league (there are often 1-2 spots allowed, and often no age restrictions on keepers)
Have you tried REC leagues? Where I'm from, they are quite popular. It's somewhat easier to plan, even though there always will be a couple of people missing (out of more than 11, though).
yes yes yes!
I realized this long time ago.
Don't ask who joins. Announce you are going. They will follow.
If they don't, fine.
It makes it all so much easier.
Many people have just followed all their lives and that's what they like to do.
It has the added benefit of no one getting upset in case you have to change your plans. You were just inviting them to join you, versus you agreed to meet up together and then flaked out. Most people in my experience treat those two identical situations differently.
After long, long e-mail discussions over plans with friends I also started using this approach. Just go, see who comes along. Makes organising much easier, and somehow I also care less if friends don't show up. It's my party, the more the merrier but if you're not there, your loss. Wish I knew this two years ago, would've saved me quite some time and hassle.
Many people have just followed all their lives and that's what they like to do.
working out what works for you is just fine. go for it.
but using pseudo-psychology to put down people you don't understand is not so cool. there are plenty of valid reasons people don't want to do what you do (one may be to avoid passive-aggressive snarks like this...)
I was just stating a fact. Most of the people find it easy to follow and hard to take the lead. I did not imply this is wrong (I apologize as actually I was not so clear about it) but if you are someone who likes to start something and share it with others, as I do, the sooner you realize this the better.
You leave the frustrating "let's do this together" phase and go into the "I'm doing this, I'll be happy if you join in!" phase, which is so much better.
My theory is that if you give the impression that you won't do it alone, it means you are not so sure about it and the project inspires less confidence.
Of course there are things you just can't do alone, but you can start alone and see who joins.
I strongly agree with the OP because it's a major shift in one's life. Very precious.
I agree, I like to RPG or play board games and sometimes it gets tiring organizing. It makes sense that certain types of people will end up following the actual planner. I think it really works if you always do that think, else its like buses if it does not regularly deliver people will avoid as it is unpredictable
Number 2 is very important and I do that a lot. A small refinement: some of my friends started to feel arkward because they said "no" to a lot of things. Make clear that you totally don't mind a "no" and that its just your strategy to get to a "yes".
People find it hard to commit to things, so if you take that out of the equation and they can just show up if they feel like it at that time, that makes it easier.
I don't know about anyone else, but I feel extremely awkward going to nice restaurants alone even if I bring something to do. I don't experience this feeling anywhere else...just restaurants. I think I'd be more likely to travel alone than to go out to a nice restaurant down the street alone.
Hah! I came here for this comment. My friends actually pick fun of me when I tell them I go to restaurants alone, but I thoroughly enjoy it. I'll usually bring in a notebook, a book, or something to do... and... take, my, time.
I'm on my own schedule when I eat alone. I can eat as slow as I want to, I can order as fast as I want and what I want, I don't have to think of things to talk about, etc. I absolutely love people watching as well, so when I want to take a break from my food or my work, I can sit back and look around the room and check people out.
I'm that guy too. If you really want to throw people for a loop, bring a notebook to thoughtfully write in and snap pictures of your delicious food. I had no idea until after a few times doing this in Italy that everyone was assuming I was a travel writer / food critic. I literally had people at other tables ask me who I wrote for, and when I told them no one they didn't believe me and begged me to tell. It was awesome :)
I ate by myself at Gordon Ramsay's three-Michelin-Star restaurant in London, and got the 7 course tasting menu. It was awesome! I took photographs of everything and detailed notes. The maitre d' kept coming over to chat with me, and I was treated like royalty. I don't know if this is because they thought I was a food critic, or if they just treat everyone so well. It is a small restaurant.
More recently I ate at Frank Pepe in New Haven and a couple at another table invited me to eat with them. How often does that happen in the US? Maybe all the time if you eat alone! But I felt like I was in Europe.
They kept wanting to know if I was a food critic. They seemed a bit skeptical that I just love good food. The fact that I have a nice camera might make me look more "professional".
For me part of the awkwardness is purely physical. Talking doesn't require extensive use of your hands and the person you are talking to are generally at eye level. Whereas reading and writing feel much more like an interruption to the meal rather than a compliment to it.
Eat at the bar. There's usually more going on and it's much less awkward. Even better is you won't need a reservation and the waiter isn't bummed that the table is half empty.
This one of the things I learnt from business travel; sitting at the bar means you can talk to the waitstaff plus everyone else waiting for tables, you'll end up feeling a lot less lonely than sitting alone at a table.
I noticed with myself that I feel intensely awkward dining alone. But if I'm travelling for business, it doesn't bother me: at that point, I have a totally legit reason to be eating by myself.
Then I realized that other diners, strangers, have no way of knowing whether or not I'm out on business or in my own city. After that, I got a lot more comfortable eating alone wherever I am: for all these people know, I could be a travelling businessman or have any of a dozen other "legitimate" reasons to eat alone.
Of course, in actuality, no one there even cares or notices me. But I found having the right mental frame helped it not bother me.
I've also found I get pretty awesome service when I eat by myself, and I get to focus on the food more which is nice. It's peaceful.
I eat breakfast and lunch alone about a lot of the time. I love it. I enjoy eating with company if we are there for a more leisure lunch and can enjoy the time. While working though I generally don't like eating with anyone because most of the time people just end up venting about their job.
The one little break I have during lunch I don't want to be talking about work. I want to enjoy where I'm eating or more often than not I go eat my lunch at the beach or a park in between clients and might listen to music or a podcast.
When I do go to restaurants alone even if it's a nice place I will sit at the bar. I like to make small talk with those people if it is not busy.
Along with eating I go surf, golf, and skate alone a lot of times. However, with all these things I generally end up meeting and talking with people. Sometimes I don't though and it's nice just to focus on the activity and just enjoy that.
It's nice when people will come eat, surf, golf, etc. with me. However, given time constraints I don't let people not coming with me a lot of times get in between me going and enjoying a place or activity if it's something I want to do and that's the time in my schedule that permits me the time to go do that thing.
I think this feels really awkward at first but one can get used to it.
My hypothesis as to why it feels awkward is that one is afraid that other people might think, "Oh, look at this guy, he can't find anyone to go out to eat with him". But this is stupid, because obviously those other people that are there in groups don't go out every night to dine with friends either. They might just do the eating alone nights at home by themselves. Which objectively speaking seems no much "worse" than doing it in a restaurant, except that it is more hidden from the public.
So, just realize that those other people also eat alone, but when they do they might be too scared to even go out and rather sit at home. That makes you brave and adventurous compared to them! ;-)
While this thread has prompted me to break my personal taboo of not going to fancy places by myself, my actual reason isn't how about how other people perceive me, but my perception as to what the proper role of such a restaurant is: a place to celebrate company through good food and good atmosphere. Going by myself would violate that--at least, I think it will--; I figure I ought to give it a try and see if anything feels lost from that.
Just go for it, trust me. I'm writing this from a nice Belgian restaurant where I'm all by myself, they serve nice Belgian food and excellent Belgian beer, and on top of that I've been eating out mostly by myself for the last one year and a half, and I've never felt more at ease when eating out.
The thing is that I've never felt comfortable when eating out with acquainteces, for one thing because I'm very slow eater so I'd always left lots of food on my table, and second because I've never been at ease with talking when your mouth is full with food. Plus you cannot made dirty jokes when someone's eating :)
As things are like I know, myself eating alone and at ease,I've discovered that I really do enjoy good food and a nice drink (I was almost indifferent to it before) and that I'm not that keen on making compromises anymore when it comes to eating out, because the decision where and when to eat depends only on me. And I've also become a lot more confident when talking to complete strangers, this coming from an introvert guy.
And on top of that, people watching and listening is extraordinary!
It's not awkward if you sit at the bar. Just bring your smartphone. When you have a chance, talk to the bartender. Eventually, someone else is going to sit down, and see that you're friendly with the bartender, so you must be a nice guy. Then maybe you'll talk to them.
I get this as well. While it's been a long time since I've dined out somewhere nice alone (somehow the awkwardness doesn't quite apply when you're somewhere mid-range at lunch time, or at stopping off at a bar for a burger and a beer and some along time), it's always felt a touch awkward.
I guess it's because food is powerfully social. Whether its the idea of breading bread with a stranger when you're travelling, or eating dinner with your family, or taking your other half to a nice restaurant, there's very strong social imperative when it comes to eating - and it's one which exists in pretty much every culture that I can think of.
If you don't want to sit at a table, typically restaurants have a bar area where you can order food and it's not as strange to see people dining solo there. It's also socially acceptable to chat with other people at the bar.
Ever since I moved to another city, I eat alone all the time (breakfast, lunch, dinner). I have very, very few friends, and the few I do have live a bit of a ways or we just aren't that good of friends (so I guess they're technically acquaintances). Part of my family lives here, and they just think I'm extremely strange (they've never moved to a different city, though).
It's pretty normal for me now. The only restaurants I won't go to are the ones that are very fancy or where there is a huge social aspect to it (e.g., Korean BBQ restaurants; I've heard they actually turn singletons down! I don't want to risk that.).
You might be joking, but don't worry about "scoffs" from people you don't know and will never meet again... you can learn things from them and move on.
Thanks. I'm not joking and you're right that I can learn from them and that would be the end of it.
However, I am not a spontaneous person. I like to plan things out a lot. Especially because I live in a huge city where I must drive (and I hate driving) and things are so far apart from each other. I guess this could motivate me to be more flexible, think on my toes, and generally improve what some may see as a character flaw.
I'm the opposite. I can eat at a nice restaurant alone and enjoy my thoughts and not think twice about it. When I see someone else eating alone, my heart breaks and I contemplate asking them if they would like company.
When living in Paris, I wanted to attend many concerts but oftentimes I ended up not going because I couldn't find anyone to come with me.
Looking at the many concerts I missed because of that, I decided to automatically buy 2 tickets for each event and ask my friends afterwards, stating that I had an extra ticket. I ended up attending many concerts with one of my friends, and rarely had to sell my extra ticket.
On a side note, two years ago, a group of friends invited me to join them for a 10-days trip in Turkey. They would fly directly from Paris to Istanbul. I lived in Bordeaux then and figured: why don't I go to Istanbul by train on my own? It took me 2 weeks to get there, and along the road I stopped at Milan, Florence, Venice, Ljubljana, Zagreb and Belgrade (plus Munich, Vienna, Budapest, Krakow and Berlin on my way back).
I knew that noone would have agreed to come with me and I immediately felt that I had taken the right decision. It was a sudden one but I don't regret it. I met wonderful people and visited beautiful places, and I realize that depending on someone else's decision would have prevented me from doing these things.
To each his own. Half the fun of traveling is the friends you're with, for me at least. The first time I went to NYC and SF I spent ~8 hours wandering around by myself (friends were still working) and I didn't get much enjoyment out of it. Sure I talked to some random people, but honestly I was bored after about 2 hours. The moments I remember and enjoyed were spent with friends, regardless of the location.
For me at least, it varies. One of my fondest memories (and possibly one of my best life memories) is travelling around the US for three months with my best friend. I will likely never replicate that experience.
But that said, I just took a four day trip to Germany by myself and I loved it. I think I spoke less than thirty words to anyone on most of those days, and found it tremendously relaxing to just walk around a museum by myself, alone in my thoughts. I took a three hour train ride to Poland just because I wanted to, and I loved sitting there by myself watching people in rural East Germany go about their business. It's a lot more difficult to be a fly on the wall when you're with someone, because the minute you open your mouth it's evident you are an outsider.
But on the other hand, I'm extremely reluctant to approach complete strangers and strike up conversation. When I'm with someone, it happens naturally. When I'm by myself, I will be alone for the duration of my trip.
More than half for me. I was in Munich by myself once. It was boring as hell. I ended up shifting my travel plans so I could leave a day early. The next time I went I had a friend and it was awesome. Munich didn't change much in between these trips. The company did.
On the other hand, I know people who love to travel alone. They might disappear into Budapest for 2 weeks and tell tales of how awesome it was when they resurface. It depends a lot on the individual.
I understand the underlying point, but I don't agree in every situation, such as travel which I explained. Most leisure related activities are enjoyable to me because I have someone close to share the experience with.
I understand your point and I mostly agree, it's usually better to share experiences with someone than go it alone. On the other hand, flying solo is better than not going at all.
I really wanted to run the Disney World Marathon last year, but I couldn't get a group together. If I had decided to pass I would have missed what turned out to be one of my favorite trips ever.
I think I'm kind of a loner. I have zero problems doing things alone.
Most things (esp trips, hiking, biking) I want to do alone. I need alone time. Time away from all the hassles and pressures of "socialness". Time to be selfish. To pause when others might want to go, to go when others might want to pause.
Also, early in life I got real tired of being let down / of the unreliability of people. So, instead of repeating the same activity and expecting a different outcome I quit trying or wanting to participate in planned group activities.
For the first 10 months of 2012 I planned a trip to Thailand, taking time off contracting. I too became fed up of mates not being able to come with me so in the end thought fuck it, I'll go on my own. The day I posted my plans my mate got in touch and said he'd come with me for 3 weeks.
Those 3 weeks we basically argued like a married couple, there were good times, obviously, but we are both very different people. Anyway, as soon as he left me in Cambodia, the trip turned into one of the best experiences of my life.
I went where I wanted, I did what I wanted. I had crazy nights out and the trip was an adventure. I went to see my friend in Koh Phangan and stayed at his dive shop for a few weeks for free. I made friends with the locals and regularly got invited out with everyone. I had 2 of the most unbelievable experiences of my life partying in Haad Riin. I ended up with a girlfriend for 3 months whilst I was there. I met up with an old friend in Malaysia and stayed with her for free in a 5 star hotel for a week - she was on business and got a twin room for me. I met a girl in Bangkok who ended up driving me around the city in her Range Rover and taking me out to clubs. One day I decided to rent a motocross bike and rode it 35km up to the top of Bokor mountain in Cambodia - an amazing experience, more so on the way back down.
All of these things happened when I was on my own. Once I left my friend, I could do exactly what I wanted. There were times when it was hard, e.g. going to clubs on your own, or places where everybody is in a group, but in the end it paid off. Now I'm the guy who just does what he wants. This year I'll go away again to maybe South Korea or the Philippines; I haven't even considered asking someone to go with me.
So yeh, don't be that guy stressing about not having anyone to go places with, fuck it, go on your own.
Traveling with someone can be difficult. Just because you're friends with someone doesn't mean you'll both enjoy living on top of each other for a while.
As a rule, I prefer traveling on my own. That way I can take my time to walk wherever I want and get a better 'feel' for the city. For instance, I love to go out into the city without a map sometimes. I often even go out of my way to eat in cheap, dirty places because I want to know what the locals eat. Sometimes I even go out of my way to explore the boring and the ugly parts of town.
It's difficult to find travel partners that share these interests. :)
Additionally, when I'm traveling with someone else I get distracted by conversations. That means I fail to notice tons of things. Also, I have experienced that my travel companion(s) would take me to all sorts of interesting places and then afterwards I'm unable to pinpoint on a map where I've been. That kind of sucks.
It's also much easier to start interesting conversations with locals or other travelers when you're not in a group.
I'm never lonely. I often stay in hostels so I can usually talk to other solo travelers. And sometimes I hit couchsurfing.org and meet up with individuals or groups.
There seems to be a strain of thought, especially prevelant in the programming community, that really romanticizes acting alone. I really wonder if we should romanticize it.
I used to live like this - I would go to shows alone, eat out alone, go to movies alone. I'd go hiking by myself, I'd go on long bike rides by myself. At the time I didn't have the resources to go on trips by myself, but I would've done that, too.
And it wasn't like I was a pariah. I've always had friends and family around. I've never needed to be single. I just felt like I required this constant solitude, and because of that, enforced a certain distance in my relationships.
As I've gotten older and learned more of how to need other people, I'm kind of horrified at all of the lost opportunities. The friendships I didn't form.
I would really hate for young guys [who I assume comprise much of HN's readership] to read this and say "Yeah, I should go this world alone!" Sometimes this attitude may be called for, but more often than not it will not serve you well.
There's a big difference between being able to enjoy going out alone when nobody you know are around, and constantly seeking it out.
Losing out on great experiences because you're worried about doing it on your own is a shame. But losing out on great companionship is too. They don't need to compete.
For many of the same reasons you mention, a lot of guys here should probably be ready to go out alone more. Not instead of doing stuff with friends, but when the alternative is to stay at home or do other activities that pretty much guarantee solitude. If you go out and do stuff, at least your chances of meeting new people is substantially higher.
I'm just the opposite. As I get older I want to hang out with friends less, as I have less time anyways so the time I do have becomes more precious. I enjoy my do-nothing Saturdays. I enjoy my coffee-and-coding Saturdays. I also enjoy the hanging out with friends Saturdays, just not every single Saturday like when I was younger.
It just depends on your goals. For a lot of people, these kinds of activities are, on some level, a social catalyst. For those, it doesn't make sense to do many of them without the social part. But if you're simply interested in the event itself, you shouldn't feel any need to wait for others to participate.
I golf by myself routinely, and back when I went to the movies I would go by myself if it made sense. I wanted to do those things, regardless of who participated. I know many others, though, who would not say the same thing.
What a fantastic trip. The same thing happened to me (sort of): I wanted to go to Turkey straight out of university. Why Turkey, I'm still not sure, except I liked the look of it (I'm a climber). I had very little money but lots of time.
Anyway, my friends bailed so I went alone. I stayed for four months, went everywhere, climbed mountains and rocks, learned some Turkish and did all the usual travel stuff.
The main thing I learned was self-reliance. I found I was very capable at dealing with uncertainty all on my own. So I followed this trip up with solo trips to France, Thailand, etc., all climbing-related.
It's enough to say that I'd be a different person if I hadn't made the decision to go to Turkey with or without companions.
This happened to me the exact same way. Couldn't get anyone on board so I bought a plane ticket to Hong Kong by myself randomly one night and it was one of the best trips I've ever taken. I've done a few other solo trips since.
I think the thing I like the most is the sense of ultimate freedom - no arguments or drama, disasters out of your control etc. Everything you do is because you chose to do it. If you make a mistake and screw something up, nobody is going to complain. After being in a relationship for 7 years I really long to get those moments back...
I think that friends always bailing on you is a sign that you are boring. Reading this article reminded me of this quote from Anne Lamott:
"There are certain people whose company you love, whose mind you love to pick, whose running commentary totally holds your attention, who makes you laugh out loud.
When you have a friend like this, she can say: “Hey, I’ve got to drive up to the dump in Petaluma—wanna come along?” and you honestly can’t think of anything in the world you’d rather do. By the same token, a boring or annoying person can offer to buy you an expensive dinner, followed by tickets to a great show, and in all honesty you’d rather stay home and watch the Jello harden."
I came to this conclusion between the sophomore and junior years of college when I had the money to take a trip to Italy but none of my friends did. I'd never been further than Mexico, but I did it.
Being there alone was exhilarating - almost like the feeling of being hiking in the wilderness far enough away from people that if you broke a leg, you'd be in serious trouble. There is something wonderful about being far away from everything you know is safe and comfortable. I think there's a part of you that you can only find doing things like that.
I'm surprised that no one has mentioned traveling with your significant other / spouse / girlfriend / wife / boyfriend / husband.
I've made quite a few trips and it's generally not hard to plan something together with my wife, so long as we do it early enough so she can get off work.
She loves eating out, so it's never hard to ask her to eat out with me.
In general, she'll do most things with me, so long as they're not hardcore physical activities (mountain climbing, long distance runs, etc)- but even those she'll go watch if she's able.
I don't think there's much to be gained from stating either way whether you prefer solo or group travel.
I have personally enjoyed travelling solo and with friends. They both have positives and negatives. As people have said at least you are guaranteed company with friends around, and there's much to be said for sharing experiences with someone who you know inside-out or at least well.
Having said that, travelling solo has always pushed me out of my comfort zone into seeking out company (if I was in the mood for conversing). Meeting like-minded people in new countries has always for me been a very enjoyable experience.
It's fair to say also that even being in close proximity with a good friend can lead to friction on occasion because that close proximity can be a very different experience to your usual relationship away from travelling. Perhaps I should select my friends better though!
Yes, I'm a bit confused by what people are taking away from this post. There are advantages to doing things individually, and to doing things collaboratively, and I'm interested in the relationship between those. But I don't feel like I learned much from this article about either one. Is it just the self-help-book-esque "be yourself, don't let anyone hold you back" message?
Hypothesis: some people have a social 'security blanket' and are unwilling to do things alone, and thus miss out on opportunities to do interesting things. Perhaps OP was one of those people, and is now sharing/inspiring others to do the same.
I remember coming to grips with this myself. Turns out most people have different priorities than I, such as buying a new car rather than say... diving in Australia for a few months?
A few things I've learned: The true test comes when it is time to pay. If you can move that part up, then you will save a lot of time. Don't sweat it if the couch potatoes at home don't make it. You'll make friends at the destination, people who actually do things rather than talk about them.
Also, agree with simonsarris' comment that announcing plans takes the uncertainty out of the exchange.
As a solo runner who trained for and completed the Dipsea and US Half marathon last year, I say go it alone but let someone know where you are going and when you plan on getting back.
And carry a rock solid cell phone. I have a Verizon pay as you go basic phone http://s831.us/Pn4ZDD. It's always charged and can pick up cell coverage where my smartphone can't.
Well, great idea: enjoying good things alone. I do it a lot of times). There is no special need for friends in order to enjoy a good meal, a good concert or a good film or a good sightseeing.
There is a time to enjoy alone and a time to gather together.
Glad you have discovered this.
Edit: and there is no need to 'fuck it', one should do these things by himself from time to time. There is no obligation to enjoy with others.
So my goal is to be a "Millionaire by May". I have 0 dollars right now (living in my parent's basement), and am close to an MVP. I'm going to start a company by myself, do everything myself, rake in the profits by myself. It'll be hard as hell, but by doing it myself I get to learn all the facets, and don't have to communicate my half assed desires (make it more blue-green!). I have a fluorescent dollar sign on my desk, whenever the going gets rough (or I don't want to do it anymore), the dollar sign goes on. Reminds me of my goal.
I've been pumping myself up recently with two things - excuses are just fear, and shoot for simplicity, not efficiency (if it's simple, it's likely pretty damn efficient). Unless there is a ridiculous technical problem, there is generally a way around a problem with a little bit of creativity and elbow grease. Excuses are just lack of desire to find those routes.
Sure, you shouldn't let your friends hold you back. But I wouldn't underestimate the value of spending time with friends/family. One quote from Robb Wolf has always stuck with me: "It's understood that people who don't have enough social connections, they have as high a rate of mortality and morbidity as a pack a day smoker." http://youtu.be/Tvh23EnFDio
Maybe if your friends are holding you back then you should find new friends? The thought of going to restaurants alone isn't particularly inspiring to me. If you'll indulge me, here's a song about it: http://youtu.be/MnqdNErdVcU
"It's understood that people who don't have enough social connections, they have as high a rate of mortality and morbidity as a pack a day smoker."
How is it understood? I've seen things here and there about an active social life in old age being a key contributor to longevity, but are there any studies indeed showing that the health risk of being a loner (for all of one's life, or for some part of it) is equal to that of smoking a pack of cigarettes a day?
I actually had never looked up the studies Wolf was referencing before (naively, perhaps, I trust the guy to have reviewed the literature). But I think he is probably referencing this:
>Researchers at Brigham Young University and the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill pooled data from 148 studies on health outcomes and social relationships — every research paper on the topic they could find, involving more than 300,000 men and women across the developed world — and found that those with poor social connections had on average 50% higher odds of death in the study's follow-up period (an average of 7.5 years) than people with more robust social ties. That boost in longevity is about as large as the mortality difference observed between smokers and nonsmokers, the study's authors say.
I can do two days at the gym, I can even socialize (I wonder if he he'd count 25% physical realm 75% internet realm relationships as healthy), but I don't know if I'll get out and do organic, open ended activities (frisbee, running with dog).
I'm definitely going to have to listen to more of this Robb Wolf, though. Thanks.
If you break a leg in Thailand, someone can help you to the hospital. If you have a friend who lives in Korea, he can be your Seoul mate. Going on a roller coaster? You can sit beside someone you know. Ordered some weird food that you don't like? Just swap with the friend next to you.
I was just in Thailand for Christmas. I can tell you definitively people there will help you in a heartbeat if you get hurt. Alone or not. The Thais are absolutely wonderful people.
I'm sure the Thais are absolutely wonderful, but do you really think that in the USA or France or Egypt people would just let you lay on the ground in pain with a broken leg?
I disagree. I travelled with one of my best mates driving through the States. He ran out of money half way and went home. While it was fun with him, it was really no different to being at home, we'd do the same things, except in a different country.
It wasn't until he left that I actually started meeting tons of other travelers. I've met many who are still friends many years on, albeit all around the world. I got to share experiences with new people and saw things through different eyes and cultures.
I think travelling on your own teaches a lot about yourself, and it drags you out of your comfort zone. No one wants to be that lonely guy behind a book at the hostel bar...
As for travelling in Thailand alone, I did that, and met some of the most fun people on my trip. The thing is, a place like Thailand is no longer a strange and distant place, it's full of travelers and backpackers doing the same thing you are. And there are few things cooler than traveler's karma, get a favor and then return one to someone else...
Doing things yourself isn't as lonely as it makes out to be...
I disagree. I went travelling around the world on my own. In fact I was never alone because I was open to meeting new people and met a lot of people. Friends travelling in pairs tend not to make new friends so easily, until they get sick of each other. I made some amazing friends this way. I know lot of female friends think differently due to safety, and this is fair.
HN can be quite philosophical at times, and that is exactly (or "to a certain extent") how an unknown number of people like it. Insofar as my search space is concerned, the probability of having the weighted scores of advantages two persons travelling outside their home city boundaries, provided that said destination is not been previously traversed, then the results of said traversal for the first time outweighing that of doing so alone has been unity for all measurements that I had taken.
We are building an app to solve this exact problem. It's called Groups and has almost a million downloads by now. This is a common problem for a lot of people. Will let you guys know when we launch the features to solve it, later this year.
This breaks down when it comes time to make reservations and other arrangements where money becomes involved. I've found that asking for a deposit on things like lodging and tickets really weeds out who is serious and who is not.
This boils down to your personality, not on external factors like who you are with, where you go or what you do. Are you an extrovert, introvert or ambivert? Figure out who you are then everything will make sense
After reading the first paragraph, I thought he was about to announce a new startup that helps individual travelers find each other to plan group excursions around the world.
The first thing I did was set up a google group for my friends. There are about 20 memebers in it and we share stuff between each other by email occasionally but also make plans.
The second thing I learned was never to entice people or make plans, but simply to announce plans. I'd email the group:
"I'm going hiking at Franconia Notch this weekend if anyone is interested. Leaving from my house around 10AM Saturday."
That's it. No waiting for replys, no waiting on people at all. If you want to come with me you'll be around at 10AM Saturday or you won't.
There's no frustration if its only me going, as I intended to go alone, and if anyone wants to come along then that's a pleasant surprise. But I won't base my activity schedule around waiting for them.
Surprisingly, since I started doing this, more people seem to come along. Motivation is contagious, I think, and it seems the thought of someone else already 100% committed to doing something makes it easier in the minds of others to commit themselves.
So make it easy for your friends. This way they don't feel guilty or obligated one way or the other, which is a huge relief for some personality types.
Later, I made a second google group for announcing house dinners, and now regularly 5-15 people show up every wednesday and we cook and eat together.