...would you want to start building a long-term relationship with a short-term drug?
I tried it. A friend of mine was passing out tabs of X at her birthday party in Cincinnati. After it started to take effect, I wandered into the living room with the thought, "I'm going to give every woman in this room a massage." I never got past the first woman. It was like we had this perfect understanding of each other. It was like being the male lead in a chick flick. A disastrous 2 week pseudo romance followed.
It gets worse. I was devastated by the breakup, and I was wandering around the neighborhood thinking, "Please, God, I don't want to be alone. Send me someone, anyone!" Well, I walked into this cool little import shop, and there she was. The next two years were even more of a mess.
There's a reason why there used to be California bumper stickers reading "Don't get married for at least 6 weeks after X."
Last night, my girlfriend of three years came home from work. Earlier, she was excited that we'd get that night to ourselves. Anyway, I was expecting that we'd have an awesome night together, so when she came in I immediately shut the laptop and pulled her towards me. Then I noticed she was crying. The oh-shit moment came with her sentence "we need to talk". And seemingly out of nowhere came "we have to break up. I'm sorry. I totally agree that we're very different people." Confusion, anger, and then utter despair ensued. It felt like a plane hit me while driving to work. Things like that just don't happen, you know?
I spilled my heart out to her and eventually talked her down. Instead of breaking up, she wanted to take a break for a week. It's incredibly difficult to put into words how terrible it feels to hear your amore you adore ask you to please spend a week at a friend's house. We talked for awhile, and she ended up leaving rather than me. After she left, and many tears later, I experienced the full force of the succinct-but-deadly phrase "Please, God, I don't want to be alone."
I literally could not function. I went into the bathroom and just stood there, lost in thought. The overwhelming silence made me feel claustrophobic. Then for some strange reason I began combing my hair. Halfway through that, I broke down again. So I jumped into the shower (1AM at this point) and tried my best to shut my brain off. Instead, I shut the water off after it got cold. Following that, I just sort of crumpled down into the bathtub and started to freak out. It was incredibly weird, and I was trying to make sense of the whole situation. But in matters of the heart, logic is about as effective as using a red cape against a bull. You can use it to dodge, but not to stop, and I had already been trampled at that point anyway.
So at about 3AM I grabbed a few sheets of computer paper and began writing. It was a drastic, desperate tactic to keep my brain occupied, but it worked. Slowly the despair began to fade away, but anger took its place. The letter didn't even start as a letter, just as a sequence of events. Then its tone ping-ponged between a breakup letter and a suicide note. (No, I am not suicidal, I was just caught up in the emotions. That kind of situation can temporarily alter a 20-year-old's view of the world.) After a few hours of being alone, I finally accepted that this really was the end, that the situation had permanently changed, and so I finished with "thank you for motivating me to do this now rather than later" right before falling asleep / passing out from exhaustion.
Waking up was difficult. Not because I felt tired, but because it was a shock. I was blissfully pain-free, then I wondered why she wasn't next to me, then I remembered what had happened. It was 6:50AM; I woke up from the sound of someone coming up the stairs. My heart raced and I have never hoped for anything more than I hoped at that point that it was her... but it wasn't, which plunged me back into the quicksand of despair. So I picked up the pen again. I started a theological conversation with myself about why people who believe God exists would respect him so much even though he is apparently a cruel, heartless bastard. Then she came back, and in an instant all of the anguish evaporated, as if I was being tazed and then wasn't.
We're going to a movie tonight, and I'm cautiously optimistic that we'll work through this. It's hard not to resent her for ambushing me like that, especially when I'm doing a startup. But I'm overwhelmingly thankful that she came back.
But this all begs the question, palish/Shawn, why the heck did you post this? Answer: I don't know. stcredzero's situation strongly resonates with me, and it's interesting how relationships in general share so many similarities with drug addiction. I'd imagine that the above experience felt similar to Heroin withdrawal. I wonder how very different my life would currently be if I had popped an anti-love pill right after she said "we have to break up". Or how much pain I'd currently be in if she had popped one right after she left.
Yeah, once I broke down in the shower, crying. I was also in my 20's.
My current girlfriend sometimes would pull that "I don't feel the same anymore" stuff. It was happening almost every other month, but there was a pattern. We instituted a rule: no talking about relationship status within 3 days of her period. Things are much improved.
As for coping, yeah, a lot of this is just weird brain chemistry stuff. A little Buddhist philosophy is useful. Just remember that feelings are transitory. Don't let yourself get swept up by them. Don't let your most significant understanding of reality get swept up in them and be determined by them. Don't take action based just on these feelings. Let it past first, and then deal with things when you are calm. (Things might still suck, but be sure you're not in despair when you make decisions. Find someone else to talk to.)
When you're broken up with, there's another set of biochemical changes in your brain. Yes, it's supposed to look like withdrawal. In fact, some biologists will recommend that you take up something like jogging because your endorphin levels are crashing. Remember to take care of yourself, particularly your physical self with every bit of care that you would've taken care of her.
Know who you are and be true to your principles, even if this feels like you are giving up your one unbelievable cosmic chance for ineffable happiness. (If you are in your 20's, this is very unlikely to be the case.) Be gentle and firm if the situation warrants it, but don't ever be angry. Be willing to let her go, if that's what's the best for her, or the world, or the Allied war effort. (Yes, as in Casablanca.) Concentrate on being the most good, honorable, and empathic man you can be. Do this because this is really the one and only chance to get her back. There are all kinds of manipulation you can try to get her back, but ultimately these will shortchange you even if they do work at first. Be willing to do what's the best for her, for you, for everyone as a whole, even if you have to let her go. Be willing to give her that one last act of unselfish love. Let her go quietly if that is indeed what it turns out to be. (This is not to refrain from expressing your undying love for her. By all means do that. Rather, refrain from the use of threats, emotional aggression, holding yourself as hostage, that kind of stuff.)
I made lots of bad moves in relationships out of anger or strong feelings in my 20's and 30's. I have come to this conclusion: In the end, you have to ask yourself how much you value Love. Are you willing to stand up for Love? Are you willing to protect the one you Love, even from yourself? Are you willing to risk going to the grave alone for the sake of Love? In my mind, a man is only really worthy of Love if he can say yes to all of these questions.
And you're absolutely right. The question "would she be better off as a person without me?" has weighed heavily on my mind. I've brought it up several times, and she says she does want to try to make it work. I just hope she is acting true to herself, and always will. The last thing I'd ever want is for her spirit to be diminished because of me.
This is by the far the most awesome (and most bizarrely awesome) community I've been a part of on the web. Crazy how much more than hacking Hacker News is about.
Okay, let me give you some advice: if a girl pulls the breakup card on you, do NOT make yourself available to her over the next week. Do not try to convince her to stay with you, do not plead with her to spend time with you to "talk things over", do not discuss friendship after the breakup. Going to the movies with her is a huge fucking mistake on your part, and you really ought to pull out of that if you can.
Stay away from her for at least a week. Ignore her calls and generally blow her off. Change the locks if you live together. (Let her in if she needs to get anything from your place, but don't say a word to her.) If she's serious about the breakup, this won't do any additional harm (she already feels bad and that she "deserves" this). If she's not, then this is what's known as a "shit test"-- she's unconsciously testing you for how you respond to bad behavior-- in which case you must let her know that the break-up-and-get-back-together cycle is, under absolutely no circumstances, acceptable, and that she risks losing you forever if she tries it again. Become so distant to her that she never does this to you again. If you make yourself available to her after she pulls the breakup card, you're basically rewarding her for being bitchy and she will misbehave again.
It will be a miserable, hellish week for you, but consider this to be inoculation against a permanent breakup, which is inevitable if you let her get away with this. (Bottom line: if you let a girl walk all over you, you lose her respect, often permanently.) Exercise. Get outside, even if it's -10 degrees, just to get some sunlight in your eyes. Work, or at least try to do so, and if you can't, take a walk. Meditate. Go out with your friends and meet new people. Consider this an opportunity to train your mind and soul in happiness despite adversity. Enjoy it as much as you can, though it's not easy. This is one of the most difficult things we experience, this side of sickness and death, and it's pleasant for no one.
Regarding post-breakup misery, my experience is that it peaks very early. After 3 days, the worst is pretty much over. After about 2 weeks, you'll be back to your normal happiness level, except when you think about the ex. It'll probably be 2-4 months before you can start dating in earnest again; rebound relationships considered harmful. You shouldn't try to be friends with the ex until 6 months have passed. Also, know at all times that time is on your side. Breakups hurt the worst at onset, so you will feel better every day. By the end of your week apart, the worst of your post-breakup misery should be over, and you should be able to function normally. Then, if she comes back to you wanting to resume the relationship, then you will hold the upper hand, whereas if you seek her out or let her choose when to have "the talk" about getting back together, she will. Blow her off the first time she wants to have "the talk" and make her wait at least a week. You're busy, and you were spending time on other things. (Sorry to make this sound competitive, but the fact is that she is either serious about the breakup or she is not. In the former case, it doesn't matter; in the latter case, she attacked you, and you need either to make the decision to break up with her, or to win the fight she started.)
One thing I remember about my most recent and hardest breakup is that the fond memories came flooding back and were a source of intense pain, because I realized that I was permanently separated from them. An insight I learned from my Buddhist meditation practice was that those memories were no more "gone" with the breakup than without. Or, put another way, they'd be just as much "gone" had the breakup never happened. They exist only in the past. The best I could get by continuing the relationship would be the potential to have more beautiful moments... but, of course, I still have that exact same potential, albeit with someone else. This made me realize that a breakup is, on the grander scale, not very significant.
This is great advice if you assume that there are many "right life partners", all about equally good matches, and that discarding any single one of them isn't disastrous. (I happen to basically agree with that assumption, but it's important to note it and ask if OP intellectually believes in that same philosophy.)
For my account, I had a tremendously important and drama-filled relationship in my late 20s/early 30s with an ex. I was dickish at times; she was <some adjective> at times; we couldn't make it work. It was extremely painful on both sides, and to this day I wonder how we could have managed the situation better. We're both now in our new "final" committed relationships and extremely happy with the outcomes, but I wonder what would have happened if I didn't follow time_management's advice above (or perhaps, if I'd followed it more precisely; the middle ground is worse than either extreme). We might have ended up together, and I can't figure that we'd be better off than we are now. But I also went through 4-5 years of hell between that breakup and finding my new relationship, so I don't know that the worst is over in 3 days is necessarily the case...
Your points about getting outside, getting exercise, and not becoming a 24x7 hermit are absolutely spot-on.
This is good advice. Implement it in the spirit of being true to yourself. Don't hold it against her that she's unconsciously testing you. Relatively few of us have something approaching a perfect self awareness, so it's not improbable that you've done something comparable to her.
The 6 word version: be genuinely willing to move on.
Caution: much of the so-called ecstasy you get in recent years is largely amphetamine. I wouldn't be inclined to trust it.
Dancing (Salsa, Swing, Tango, Contra) is much healthier for you, and if you're genuinely having fun doing it and you have some clue about hygiene, it's about as effective at getting you laid.
Actually, in my brief experience with X, cuddling seems to be a significant local maxima. Moderate amounts of alcohol are probably better than X for getting you laid. (But dancing has been even more effective than alcohol.)
The lead-in to the article (and real meat) was a bit long and tough to read through. Neat stuff overall however, can't wait to see the follow up studies.
I tried it. A friend of mine was passing out tabs of X at her birthday party in Cincinnati. After it started to take effect, I wandered into the living room with the thought, "I'm going to give every woman in this room a massage." I never got past the first woman. It was like we had this perfect understanding of each other. It was like being the male lead in a chick flick. A disastrous 2 week pseudo romance followed.
It gets worse. I was devastated by the breakup, and I was wandering around the neighborhood thinking, "Please, God, I don't want to be alone. Send me someone, anyone!" Well, I walked into this cool little import shop, and there she was. The next two years were even more of a mess.
There's a reason why there used to be California bumper stickers reading "Don't get married for at least 6 weeks after X."