Throwaway account because I don’t want this tied to me.
About eight years ago, I worked at a mid-sized tech company with a senior colleague—let’s call him “Dave.” He was in his early 60s, had decades of experience, and preferred “boring tech” and object-oriented programming. I was more into modern, cloud-native solutions and functional programming, which led to frequent disagreements.
We clashed a lot. Dave thought my approaches were unnecessarily complex, and I thought his ideas were outdated and inflexible. Most of our arguments happened during code reviews, and while things got heated at times, I assumed it was all part of working in a team.
I left the company after a few years. It wasn’t because of him, and I didn’t think much about those conflicts after I moved on.
A few days ago, I got a message from Dave on LinkedIn. He said he’d retired and had been diagnosed with a fast-progressing terminal illness. What stunned me was that he blamed me for it. He said the stress of working with me and dealing with my code had taken a toll on his health, ending the message with, “You shortened my life.”
Before I could respond, his account was deleted. I don’t know if he deactivated it or blocked me, but now I can’t stop replaying everything in my head.
Could I really have caused this? Can work stress lead to something like this? I always thought our arguments were just professional disagreements, but now I’m second-guessing myself. Has anyone else dealt with something like this? What do I even do with this kind of guilt?
As for his colleague - he'd dealt with younger programmers with new ideas before, you weren't the first or only. And, his life was his own - he owned his emotional state, his responses. You were no more responsible for that than a missed bus, or any other perceived slight that he may have dwelt over (if it was him at all that texted you).
Yet all that doesn't help deal with guilt - that's your own to process. Hard, it's not rational or logical - you don't get to explain feelings away, they just are.
I suggest some positive interactions with colleagues could be a benefit to you. Compliment novel approaches, find a positive way to encourage co-workers, notice their sincere efforts. Always start with "That's new to me" or something on that line, instead of being contradictory or argumentative.
You can comfort yourself by taking this bump in the road as something to learn from. Take away something positive. And heck, it also benefits your current colleagues and presents a good example. Who knows where that may lead.
Good luck! I don't think you deserve to haul that stone of guilt around any longer than you need to. It's up to you when you put it down and move on.