As an autistic person, I don't understand why this has to be so complicated. What people have to say either makes sense and is helpful, in which case I take it into account going forward. Otherwise, I simply disregard it.
I wouldn't expect or require people to put so much effort into preparing their feedback for me, or preparing me to hear it. It seems excessive and inefficient. Their time would be better spent making sure the feedback was as valuable as possible.
There is an excellent old book on the subject, How to Win Friends and Influence People. I was lacking in this area and my career improved greatly after reading it.
In general, people are cautious when giving criticism because it carries implications.
Say a manager gives negative feedback to a subordinate. The subordinate now believes the manager doesn't like them. The subordinate follows the standard advice: start looking for another job. Manager now has the larger problem of hiring a replacement.
It's best to reinforce positive behavior. Little trick I learned: compliment people. Find an reason to say "nice work" on every code review. DM people and say "nice presentation", "great design". It works.
> There is an excellent old book on the subject, How to Win Friends and Influence People. I was lacking in this area and my career improved greatly after reading it.
I've read the book, as a matter of fact. :) Although it's been quite a few years, I recall feeling like it was mostly a guide on manipulating people, and it didn't make a great impression on me, personally. I'm glad it was helpful for you, though!
> Say a manager gives negative feedback to a subordinate. The subordinate now believes the manager doesn't like them.
I hear this and think back to what I said in my previous comment about the value of their feedback. There are certainly things a manager could say that would leave me feeling disliked in a personal way, but I can easily separate genuine feedback about my work or my ideas from personal statements.
> It's best to reinforce positive behavior. Little trick I learned: compliment people. Find an reason to say "nice work" on every code review. DM people and say "nice presentation", "great design". It works.
I, too, believe in the value of giving genuine compliments, and I try to make sure I tell people any time I think they are doing good work. A clever solution deserves acknowledgement, for example. I suppose it just doesn't feel genuine when I'm using them to soften the potential blow of constructive criticism.
I think that one way to look at it for autistic or on the spectrum people is to consider the human behavioral implications that apply heavily in addition to the actual feedback given
Feedback and criticism is generally amplified by the relationship and social status of the giver, ie human factors trump rationality
For example if your kid brother says your code sucks and needs to be rewritten you may weight that much less importantly than if your respected tech lead does the same
We almost always over-amplify the negativity of feedback and the social relationship of the giver in criticism and for the most part most feedback is in fact criticism- humans will generally focus on the negative
In fact one mark of a professional is the ability to regard feedback dispassionately- but that is easier said than done
This I think it is vital for technical people to remember the human aspect of feedback and why the human context is so important
I wouldn't expect or require people to put so much effort into preparing their feedback for me, or preparing me to hear it. It seems excessive and inefficient. Their time would be better spent making sure the feedback was as valuable as possible.