I'm having real trouble with this text. The author's pompous ego makes it hard to take any of this seriously, which, at least, he does admit. But still, the style on this piece makes me wonder if it's a professional deformation of sorts - talking about one's lack of fulfillment while throwing in pointless metaphors and buzzwords, hyping up his genius. If this is meant to be a piece the reader should connect to - how will they do that when the post is half-confessional, half-promotional? Many people could connect to the idea that daily chores waste their precious time on this planet, but when he tries to sell himself as the equivalent of a rock star... Not to mention that broadcasting one's complete lack of preparation for parental roles is baffling to me. This isn't a feel-good post about learning to be a better parent, it's a post about living up to a bare minimum of standards while also peddling his services.
Yeah, this guy sounds like a real spoiled always-had-his-way i-am-the-main-character ass. Due to a family situation I've definitely had to make choices in the last few years that weren't what I imagined, but I'm not gonna say shit like "Fate has spoken, and my values have answered". I made the decisions I made because I love my family would rather do things differently and help how I can then miss out on times I'll never get a chance at again. It just doesn't seem like this guy really cares about anyone but himself.
> This isn't a feel-good post about learning to be a better parent, it's a post about living up to a bare minimum of standards while also peddling his services.
This is a post about delaying/forgetting your dreams not because you have made bad decisions but because you don't control fate and have duties as a (good) human.
So his wife has some condition and he is left to do "women's chores". That's it. He's uncapable of channeling his frustrations, doesn't even understand.
I'm mostly befuddled that he considers 4 hours of time with his child a waste. Feeling unproductive while walking with a stroller? Listen to a podcast. Do audio lessons for some new language. Record some thoughts, since he's a coach he could "write" a draft of a self-help book or something. It's the easiest chore to combine with other things.
There's a strong implication that he wouldn't even be doing this if his wife is wasn't a "physical wreck" after the birth.
You have a small baby, sleep schedules are all over the place, pitching in isn't some chore you do just while she's out of commission, there's a human to bring up to adulthood.
He’s ridiculously pompous. ‘And yet here I was, master coach, author, podcaster etc’ - yet my mastery does not extend to affording a nanny, which would trivially solve this problem.
His proof of the non-existence of free will is similarly hilarious and bone-headed.
I couldn't help but smile (smirk?) while reading this, because while I (foolishly) thought I was mentally prepared for fatherhood - there was still a lot of this sort of attitude in me and I suffered the consequences.
Poor guy didn't yet discover that he's not mowing a lawn - he's raising a future adult and that is likely to be way more impactful long term than all the things he thinks are important now.
I mean:
> I’m a problem-solver. I have no issue taking responsibility, figuring out solutions, acting bravely, and being a leader.
Funny how that's exactly the skillset necessary to be a good parent and children are the ultimate test in this field.
Agreed. He's self-aware enough to realize that he has an ego problem, but not quite self-aware enough to do anything about it. Oh, and he has a therapist. Classic.
If he wanted to have time for all his hobbies, plus working 12-hours days and weekends in a super-sexy startup, he shouldn't be married, and definitely shouldn't have kids. What did he think - that kids raise themselves?
His specific, very long whine about having a collicky infant. Geez. Guess what, millions of people have that particular bit of fun. It's pretty horrible at the time, but it's only a short time in the big scheme of things.
And now his wife has an ill family member, maybe a parent she has to support. So the guy has to do the grocery shopping. Tragedy.
Yeah, he's aware that he's whining. He could still stop. Why did this make HN?
I hear he feels trapped, being a parent, and a responsible adult can do that to you.
However, I raised two children, spent hours reading to them every night, feeding them at 1 am so that they would sleep in until 7 am. But there were four glorious hours every night between putting them to bed, and going to sleep myself. During that time I developed side projects, read, and enjoyed myself. I suggest the author try to relish the time he does have, rather then feeling trapped.
Yes, the author considers his life came to a full stop when in fact it is only starting now. He's just not a spaceship yet.
Kids literally take your life (you gave it to them), but they are giving back much more in return. And afaiac, I'm much more efficient and productive at what I was doing before having kids because now my time has a value. I'm not going to spend time on shitty meetings or doing overtime work on a shitty project.
If anything, kids force you to become a better self. Nothing can do that better.
The author just described the religious life. For me, not going to church is about as real of an option as not exercising or showing up for work anymore. It isn't a real option. The cost of not going makes it a faux-choice. So I always go to church Sunday morning, even when I worked all night, and I'm always glad I did.
The author figured out what really matters, and once you do that there really isn't a choice or a trade to be made anymore, is there?
Lots of dunking on this guy. I can see why. But the dude is being honest about himself: he wanted to be a big shot and now he just has to be a dad! Do a lot of men not have that emotion?
Interesting article. I've never heard of the phrase amor fati, but I've experienced this recently with the end of my marriage that is around the corner. I don't know if the article warrants this many words, for me it was the realization that fighting things that can't be changed doesn't do anything except hurt yourself. And suddenly I was not bothered by anything anymore. Of course the key question is can something be changed or not, accepting everything is not a solution either.
"After receiving some bad news about my wife’s family, I suddenly realized that my future life had just been predetermined indefinitely. Due to the situation we’re now in, combined with my values and ethics, my actions for the foreseeable future are already decided."
But you have no idea how your life will turn out. Something could happen that would cause you to lose your entire family. And if that happens you might even say "look, here's another thing preventing me from achieving my full potential". All the while you're dismissing the life you're leading because it fails to live up to some imagined expectation you have in your mind.
Instead of lamenting how reality does not match expectation, consider immersing yourself in your reality. Look, hear, and touch the rich detail that every single moment contains, feel what it feels like to be a person in your exact life circumstances. You will never experience this collection of thoughts and feelings in this precise moment in your life ever again.
"No such thing as a life that's better than yours (love yours); no such thing, no such thing" - J. Cole
I'm trying not to make this sound pejorative, but someone who runs a "Nice Guy Coaching" business, with the following articles advertised in the sidebar:
- The Secret to What Women REALLY Want From a Man
- 14 Ethical Marketing Strategies: Sales Tactics Without Manipulation
- Ethical Influence: Can Persuasive Language Be Honest and Healthy?
complaining about having to be a parent feels very odd, and, plainly, narcissistic.
This isn't a spaceship mowing the lawn. The author has a child who needs love, support, nurturing, education, understanding, etc. not just stroller pushing. Parenting is an all-encompassing act precisely because it is so complex. Is a "Nice Guy Coaching" website or blog really more important than rearing your children to be a force for good in the world?
I think people are being too hard on the author. I've noticed in life that some people have a much easier time with their lot in life than others. It's not even about accepting for them, it simply is, and they simply do.
I have a mixture of deep respect, and deep contempt for such people.
While the author certainly comes across as a bit narcissistic, he's clearly aware of it, and giving voice to his thoughts, even those he understands are unbecoming. Plenty of people would do well to have that level of self-awareness.
I really appreciated the author's framing of the issue, both in its candor, and in connecting it with concepts like amor fati. His description of how attempting to live with real integrity affects you was also very relateable to me.
I hate to cast aspersions, but part of me feels that some of these negative comments are generated by people who've never practiced these kinds of mental disciplines because they belong to the former of the two groups I described at the beginning of thos comment.
Such people never experience this precise kind of turmoil because living is not about integrity, but doing whatever it is that they need to be doing. These are just different ways of existing and seeing oneself in the world.
I'm hoping the author can learn to love fate, the best times in my life have been when I have managed to maintain this practice.
Welcome to the world of parenting. It’s not always about doing right for your kids . A lot of it is about balancing . I want, becomes we need . I was good at becomes a reoccurring phrase . You learn you don’t, we do . My one son was a night owl , we had to drive him around at night to get him to sleep . He grew out of it , we got back some hours of sleep. When I was a child I thought like a child , when I am a man I will think and act like a man . It takes time things aren’t instant .
Yeah, yeah - personal growth, contentment, psychological breakthroughs...
But surely I'm not the only one wanting to know more about the lawnmower?? Say what you like about the 50s, but those dudes dreamed up some cool stuff.
Can you imagine this sort of thing being pitched today, never mind made?
I was hoping they would explain why the lawn mower has a big glass shield around the bottom. I always hated how I couldn't mow the lawn in the same slacks and shirt that I wore to the office cocktail party later. Was this shield there to solve this annoyance once and for all?
