I've been single all my life as well, heading into my 30's and it's getting to the point where I feel like the crippling loneliness is absolutely killing me on the inside, likely going to lead me to an early death. Trying not to seem "needy" or come off as desperate is hard and is definitely a turn-off.
I avoided social situations all my life because I was (and still am) afraid of rejection. I minimized the amount of time I socialized with people because I felt inherently different, that I didn't belong, that somehow my presence was offensive/offending to people - likely due to the constant emotional manipulation and abuse from both my parents growing up.
After going to therapy for almost a decade and finally getting the courage to leave my abusive family, I feel like the "social" parts of my brain that should have developed years ago have now atrophied/cemented themselves into place, unable to experience the emotions, unable to mentally process social cues and understand the "hidden meaning" the things people say.
I don't feel like the label "incel" or "volcel" applies to me, I feel like I'm stuck in this persistent state of limbo where I know I could might be in a relationship if I tried, but why bother if it's likely just going to end up in regret/rejection/heartbreak/etc? The pros/cons don't seem to weigh out - but then again, how would I know if I've never been in a relationship? Doesn't help that I feel like I'm scared of women for some reason either.
I'm incredibly embarrassed to admit I've never been on a date of any kind or talked with women my age in any capacity other than small talk. It kills me inside every day I look at myself and scream internally at why and how I feel so broken socially and mentally. Doesn't help now that the hairline's receding.
I know this doesn't really relate to the authors' article at all, just looking to see if anybody else feels this way or have felt this way. I think people in the tech industry can relate to it more considering I'm sure a lot of people here have been glued to their computers like I have for long periods of their lives.
Online dating doesn't make things easier either...
I minimized the amount of time I socialized with people because I felt inherently different, that I didn't belong, that somehow my presence was offensive/offending to people
try traveling to places where you clearly do not fit in.
i have made similar experiences, not as strong, but i always felt like an outsider in school and in my environment mainly because i didn't want to fit in.
living in a different country made this a lot easier to deal with. i changed from being an outsider to being a foreigner, which the locals were curious about and i felt more accepted because there is no expectation for a foreigner to fit in.
Travelling changed the perspective so much of me, I realised that a lot of things I was hesitant to do or even thinking was directed by the unpalatable attachment to the static environment.
> I avoided social situations all my life because I was (and still am) afraid of rejection.
You've acknowledged this is a problem. What are you going to do to fix it?
> I feel like the "social" parts of my brain that should have developed years ago have now atrophied/cemented themselves into place, unable to experience the emotions, unable to mentally process social cues and understand the "hidden meaning" the things people say.
Fortunately for you, your feeling is incorrect. Those parts of your brain may be underdeveloped, but the brain is plastic and can be changed.
> but why bother if it's likely just going to end up in regret/rejection/heartbreak/etc? The pros/cons don't seem to weigh out - but then again, how would I know if I've never been in a relationship?
If you don't try, you'll never go anywhere. Have the courage to get hurt. If you get hurt, keep moving.
> I'm incredibly embarrassed to admit I've never been on a date of any kind
Don't sweat it. Many men are in this same position.
> It kills me inside every day I look at myself and scream internally at why and how I feel so broken socially and mentally.
So what are you going to do about it?
> Doesn't help now that the hairline's receding.
Take a look at the work of Derek from More Plates, More Dates. He had a receding hairline as well, and managed to reverse it with a combination of select shampoos, microneedling, and some other things.
> just looking to see if anybody else feels this way or have felt this way
Yes. I looked in the mirror for many years and hated what I saw. I still feel that way sometimes. There are many just like us.
Play (e.g. board) games with highly sensitive people that have the (social) skills you want to develop, hang around with them, try social dancing classes. Most people will pickup skills when it is necessary in context -- give it enough time and activity and it'll probably develop. Practice!
I avoided social situations all my life because I was (and still am) afraid of rejection. I minimized the amount of time I socialized with people because I felt inherently different, that I didn't belong, that somehow my presence was offensive/offending to people - likely due to the constant emotional manipulation and abuse from both my parents growing up.
After going to therapy for almost a decade and finally getting the courage to leave my abusive family, I feel like the "social" parts of my brain that should have developed years ago have now atrophied/cemented themselves into place, unable to experience the emotions, unable to mentally process social cues and understand the "hidden meaning" the things people say.
I don't feel like the label "incel" or "volcel" applies to me, I feel like I'm stuck in this persistent state of limbo where I know I could might be in a relationship if I tried, but why bother if it's likely just going to end up in regret/rejection/heartbreak/etc? The pros/cons don't seem to weigh out - but then again, how would I know if I've never been in a relationship? Doesn't help that I feel like I'm scared of women for some reason either.
I'm incredibly embarrassed to admit I've never been on a date of any kind or talked with women my age in any capacity other than small talk. It kills me inside every day I look at myself and scream internally at why and how I feel so broken socially and mentally. Doesn't help now that the hairline's receding.
I know this doesn't really relate to the authors' article at all, just looking to see if anybody else feels this way or have felt this way. I think people in the tech industry can relate to it more considering I'm sure a lot of people here have been glued to their computers like I have for long periods of their lives.
Online dating doesn't make things easier either...