I can only tell you what I would want myself to do in your situation.
I would want to hit the road. I would pause the PhD and go on a long road trip. Alternatively, I would set about hiking one of the longer trails in the U.S.
Clichéd? Maybe. But I have found the most peace and serenity in my life when on the road, broken out of my constant circles.
A rather extreme measure? Yeah, bailing on the PhD seems rather extreme but, future me, looking back on this phase of my life would absolutely agree it was the right thing to do at the time. (And here I should emphasize, this is me talking to me — your mileage may vary.)
There was only one similar period in my life and, while I didn't know about the long trails in the U.S. and didn't otherwise really have the financial means, I did cut all the cords I could at that time: work, place I was living, toxic friends, etc. My long-distance girlfriend had not "dumped" me, instead she was, again, off in college rooming with someone else. I decided at that moment to write a letter telling her I am leaving her.
So very much a clean break in my life.
It was strange to be standing there at the bottom of that well in my life but in hindsight I see that it was the point where everything started just slowly getting better. I think emotionally, and self-esteem-wise I had finally begun to feel like I had "agency" (to use a popular term these days).
Oh, I started listening to very different music then, took up the guitar and started playing... Whole new set of friends as well. I may have started smoking then as well — don't ever do that.
Thanks! "Agency" hits it. I often feel like I'm a passenger in my own life, like it's just passing by in front of my eyes like a movie. Like I'm this small entity sitting in my brain just observing what's happening.
I am planning to take out a few months after the PhD to do something crazy. Like hike New Zealand top to bottom, or US east to west road trip or living a couple months in a small Italian seaside town or Pacific island to decompress from society, or become truly conscious about our society (visit all the places that support our society like waste plants, sewers, drinking water plants, electricity plants, farmers, distribution centres, ports, mass food production centres, clothing factories, oil refineries, paper factories, etc.).
I would want to hit the road. I would pause the PhD and go on a long road trip. Alternatively, I would set about hiking one of the longer trails in the U.S.
Clichéd? Maybe. But I have found the most peace and serenity in my life when on the road, broken out of my constant circles.
A rather extreme measure? Yeah, bailing on the PhD seems rather extreme but, future me, looking back on this phase of my life would absolutely agree it was the right thing to do at the time. (And here I should emphasize, this is me talking to me — your mileage may vary.)
There was only one similar period in my life and, while I didn't know about the long trails in the U.S. and didn't otherwise really have the financial means, I did cut all the cords I could at that time: work, place I was living, toxic friends, etc. My long-distance girlfriend had not "dumped" me, instead she was, again, off in college rooming with someone else. I decided at that moment to write a letter telling her I am leaving her.
So very much a clean break in my life.
It was strange to be standing there at the bottom of that well in my life but in hindsight I see that it was the point where everything started just slowly getting better. I think emotionally, and self-esteem-wise I had finally begun to feel like I had "agency" (to use a popular term these days).
Oh, I started listening to very different music then, took up the guitar and started playing... Whole new set of friends as well. I may have started smoking then as well — don't ever do that.