I paid full tuition in my course to get
some understanding of people.
Dad had some understanding, and Mom was
really good at it, but neither tried very
hard to teach me.
In particular:
[i] Boys and girls, men and women are very
different.
(A) The cliche that boys pay attention to
things and girls, to people is not fully
true but significantly often is true.
(B) Once from a real expert I got a flat
statement: "Of COURSE, women are MUCH
more emotional than men. That is the
cause of all the problems.". That
answered a lot of questions!
(C) A large fraction of girls and women tend
to be afraid -- the list is long with some
standard items and some more. One of the
more important things a boy/man can do is
make it really clear to the female that
they are at zero risk with him.
(D) Generally girls/women are exposed to some
means of manipulation, and some of them
get good at it -- boys/men need to watch
out for that.
(E) Some girls are afraid of being in love
(there is a lot to understanding love, and
I can't cover all of it here) but, still,
are very interested in sex. For them,
holding hands can be more intimate than
sexual intercourse. Boys/men need to
realize that.
[ii] A surprisingly large fraction of
people are in some significant ways
seriously mixed up. So, watch out for
that. Also have a list of common ways and
watch out for those.
(2) Business
It took me way too long to understand the
importance of business, even just
small/medium business, as a path to being
financially responsible and maybe even
secure.
In particular, for a good job in the
economy as an employee, there has to be up
there somewhere some person(s) who did
well enough in business to have created
that job.
So, being an employee is limited by the
jobs other people create. It is better to
be the person who is successful enough in
business to create good jobs.
E.g., at one time I had a relatively
good career going as just an employee in
computing. Then (A) I didn't appreciate
how that career would have to change or
how to make that career a lot better,
e.g., by starting a business or being such
a good employee that I could get stock in
a growing company. (B) To be better
qualified as an employee, I got a Ph.D. in
pure/applied math. I didn't appreciate
that in fact, in reality, in the US, a
Ph.D. is intended for people who want to
be devoted to an academic career and put
up with being, in my view, financially
irresponsible. I had zero interest in
being a professor.
The academic work and my independent study
are crucial parts of my startup, but the
Ph.D. was a very inefficient way to get
some help on some of the parts. I
conclude that, generally, a Ph.D. is more
trouble than it is worth and financially
irresponsible. Learning can be important,
but a Ph.D. is an inefficient way to do
it.
(3) Stock
At one time the founder, CEO of FedEx told
me
"You know, if you stay you are in line for
$500,000 in FedEx stock."
I was holding a really good hand but
didn't know enough to play it at all well.
I didn't stay.
My father understood even less than I did.
Mom, didn't have a clue.
(4) Art
In high school and through college, the
teaching kept trying to get me to pay
attention to art, especially literature.
I didn't see the value. And the lessons
in literature were not very credible, that
is, I could not trust that they would
really be true, say, like Newton's Second
Law.
For art, I like the definition --
"The communication, interpretation of
human experience, emotion."
With that definition, okay -- via art can
get some views of examples of the
experiences, emotions of other people.
Maybe sometimes the examples do illustrate
something about a lot of people and not
just some one.
With that definition, I might have paid a
little more attention to literature and
gotten a little value from it.
Being successful with people is CRUCIAL,
and understanding their possible
experiences, emotions can be important for
the success.
For me and art, I liked music a lot right
away, some before I was 5. Explaining just
why took me a while!
(5) Jobs and Marriage
Apparently some of the prosperity of the
US now is due to having a lot of women
working.
A lot of career paths require moving
frequently. But those moves can play
havoc with a marriage having two jobs.
And with only one job, it can be tough
financially to buy a house and do well
supporting the family.
Lesson: A career that does not require
moving has a big advantage in being
financially secure and doing well
supporting a family.
So, if you want to pursue a career that
has you move or be in some really
expensive place to live, then consider
delaying getting married.
(6) Gossip
In an office, and maybe in much of a life,
gossip can be a threat.
In an office, if you do well, then others
can feel threatened and attack you with
gossip.
So, apparently it is not enough to assume
you are innocent until proven guilty and
instead need positively to assert
innocence on likely gossip accusations.
I'm no expert on how to defend against
gossip, finding a good expert could be
important, but I'm sure that gossip
commonly is a threat. So, watch out for
gossip. If it appears you have been
attacked by gossip, then (ask an expert)
do defend yourself.
> [i] Boys and girls, men and women are very different.
People are different, splitting people up into two groups generally doesn't help anything. The vast majority of your life will be spent dealing with individuals, not groups. Don't treat individuals like any of their groups.
> (A) The cliche that boys pay attention to things and girls, to people is not fully true but significantly often is true.
I have found nothing of significance in my life due to this purported "fact". People are people. Look at the individual, not the group.
> (B) Once from a real expert I got a flat statement: "Of COURSE, women are MUCH more emotional than men. That is the cause of all the problems.". That answered a lot of questions!
Uninteresting. Maybe you are less emotional. Maybe the people you dated were more emotional. If that is a problem, seek out less emotional people to date. There are plenty. More importantly, find someone that makes you feel good, regardless of any insipid advice about "women".
> (C) A large fraction of girls and women tend to be afraid -- the list is long with some standard items and some more. One of the more important things a boy/man can do is make it really clear to the female that they are at zero risk with him.
You should do this with anyone.
> (D) Generally girls/women are exposed to some means of manipulation, and some of them get good at it -- boys/men need to watch out for that.
Men manipulate just as much as women. Again, look to the individual. Stop thinking in terms of men vs women. Find someone that isn't manipulative.
> (E) Some girls are afraid of being in love (there is a lot to understanding love, and I can't cover all of it here) but, still, are very interested in sex. For them, holding hands can be more intimate than sexual intercourse. Boys/men need to realize that.
Take the gender out of this statement and it is an interesting one.
> [ii] A surprisingly large fraction of people are in some significant ways seriously mixed up. So, watch out for that. Also have a list of common ways and watch out for those.
See, great statement, absolutely decent advice because you kept gender out of it. Although it does sound too jaded. I'd rather state it as, "people struggle with life, understand a person's struggles and make sure you can handle them before becoming too deeply involved with them, not just romantically, but platonically, too."
Your remarks about my post have to do with
females, that is gender. Today that is a
touchy, sensitive, politicized subject.
You seem to be saying that, in dealing
with people, should get more information.
In a sense, you are correct: That sense
is from applications of the Radon-Nikodym
theorem. The charming proof by J. von
Neumann is in the W. Rudin Real and
Complex Analysis.
In practice, not really: What I mentioned
and you object to can be called
generalities. Sooooo, in the
politically correct world, those are
called, say, stereotypes and are
offensive.
So, it appears that you see the
generalities as drawing some detailed
conclusions about someone based just on
the generalities. Instead, you want to
hold off on the details until there is
good evidence one detail and person at a
time.
That won't, can't, work very well.
E.g, you are coaching a girl's basketball
team. Some of the girls are not doing
well. You don't know why, and they are
not clearly, explicitly, frankly, honestly
telling you why -- such reluctance is
common. Soooo, you have to guess. You
start with, they are girls, girls tend to
be emotional, in particular, afraid. So,
try that diagnosis.
Uh, in US society, women get be afraid.
Men don't.
You are coaching a boy's basketball team.
One of the boys is not doing well. If you
even hint that you suspect he is overly
emotional, afraid, you would be calling
him a "sissy". All the other boys on the
team would howl with contempt, point
fingers, bend over with laughter. So you
don't do that. You assume he has left his
emotions of fear in the locker room and is
willing to guard Michael Jordan or foul
LeBron James, even if Jordan fakes him
into the nickel seats or LeBron knocks him
there. Afraid? A boy on a round ball
team? NO WAY.
In WWII and the battle of Midway, the US
sent fighter planes, torpedo planes, and
dive bomber planes to attack the Japanese
carriers. Of course, the Japanese had
fighter planes in the air to protect the
carriers. Well, the US planes were poor
on coordination, and the torpedo planes
attacked with the rest of the US planes
still on the way. Well, it would look
like the torpedo planes had no chance.
And in fact, they didn't have a chance;
not even one torpedo hit, and all the
torpedo planes were shot down. The US
torpedo plane pilots knew they were likely
to be shot down, but they flew in anyway.
Fear? No room for fear.
Sure, some women can also overcome fear,
but they are usually not expected to and
still usually don't.
Did I mention, boys and girls are
different.
It appears that you want to set aside
generalities and assume that the girls are
not afraid until it is clear they are or
that the boys are afraid until it is clear
they are not.
But this clear information you want, and I
agree would be good to have, mostly won't
be available.
You want to ignore the generalities. But
the generalities are from decades of
careful observation and have too much good
information to discard, especially when
the detailed information you want is not
available.
What I posted is what was requested, what
I wish I'd had in my experience.
I'm not trying to get into current
politically correct gender equality
arguments. Instead, I was describing what
I wish I had known.
What I listed that I wished I'd known was
important. A lot of the wishing that you
responded to was about love, and that is a
challenging subject.
E.g., not knowing what I listed I wished
I'd known cost me the relationship with
the prettiest human female I ever saw, in
person or otherwise. And she was terrific
in nearly all respects otherwise. Later I
discovered by improbable accident that she
really loved me. For me, I still have her
high school graduation picture in the UR
corner of my computer screen -- I'm still
in love with her. That was a failure. I
believe that had I known what I wish I had
known, I could have saved the
relationship, likely had a really good
marriage, etc. We would have done well
with children: I like children, and she
was way over the top in adoring children,
especially the faces of children, say,
under the age of 5.
E.g., my marriage (to another female) was
a failure. Had I known what I listed I
wish I'd known, I could have either
avoided the marriage or saved it. She was
quite sick. Visiting her mother on her
family farm, she was missing and her body
was found floating in a lake, an apparent
suicide. Did I mention failure?
So, both of those females were afraid.
Did I mention that I wish I'd understood
that females tend to be afraid?
For this subject of fear, I will remind
you of a 101 level of a little of it: In
now some old and relatively solid clinical
psychology, fear is called anxiety and
tends to bring paranoia, hysteria, and
obsessive-compulsive (OCD),
psychopathic-passive behavior. Soooo, if
see a lot of symptoms of anxiety (fear, as
my quite perceptive Mom, after only 15
minutes, put it, "afraid of her own
shadow"), look also for the rest. Your
approach fails here -- you are asking
everyone to rediscover 100 years of
clinical psychology one detail and one
person at a time. Then, the anxiety
tends to bring stress, and the stress
tends to bring depression. The depression
lowers productivity and can, thus, can
bring more stress. The extra stress can
lead to clinical depression which is
dangerous -- can cause suicide. And that
is EXACTLY what happened. It is just
CRUCIAL for someone to understand this 101
level of clinical psychology.
Just what she was afraid of, a detail you
would insist on, she would never say, in
decades, never say or hint, and would
prefer to go to her death than say. Did I
mention that some of the details you want
won't be available?
And why this 101 clinical psychology
mostly for women? Did I mention, women
are much more emotional than men? And
more afraid?
You want to discard the generalities.
Soooo, you discard the information the
generalities imply and want to get that
information one detail and one person at a
time. E.g., you see an anxiety case but
want to discard that, from enormous
evidence, the generalities say that the
anxiety can lead to OCD, stress,
depression, clinical depression, and
death. Okay, now that they are dead, you
have your detailed information. Of
course, you have the information too late.
If we're talking gender and essential truths about behavior here, then as one dude to another I honestly have to tell you that:
> For me, I still have her high school graduation picture in the UR corner of my computer screen -- I'm still in love with her. That was a failure. I believe that had I known what I wish I had known, I could have saved the relationship, likely had a really good marriage, etc. We would have done well with children:
I paid full tuition in my course to get some understanding of people.
Dad had some understanding, and Mom was really good at it, but neither tried very hard to teach me.
In particular:
[i] Boys and girls, men and women are very different.
(A) The cliche that boys pay attention to things and girls, to people is not fully true but significantly often is true.
(B) Once from a real expert I got a flat statement: "Of COURSE, women are MUCH more emotional than men. That is the cause of all the problems.". That answered a lot of questions!
(C) A large fraction of girls and women tend to be afraid -- the list is long with some standard items and some more. One of the more important things a boy/man can do is make it really clear to the female that they are at zero risk with him.
(D) Generally girls/women are exposed to some means of manipulation, and some of them get good at it -- boys/men need to watch out for that.
(E) Some girls are afraid of being in love (there is a lot to understanding love, and I can't cover all of it here) but, still, are very interested in sex. For them, holding hands can be more intimate than sexual intercourse. Boys/men need to realize that.
[ii] A surprisingly large fraction of people are in some significant ways seriously mixed up. So, watch out for that. Also have a list of common ways and watch out for those.
(2) Business
It took me way too long to understand the importance of business, even just small/medium business, as a path to being financially responsible and maybe even secure.
In particular, for a good job in the economy as an employee, there has to be up there somewhere some person(s) who did well enough in business to have created that job.
So, being an employee is limited by the jobs other people create. It is better to be the person who is successful enough in business to create good jobs.
E.g., at one time I had a relatively good career going as just an employee in computing. Then (A) I didn't appreciate how that career would have to change or how to make that career a lot better, e.g., by starting a business or being such a good employee that I could get stock in a growing company. (B) To be better qualified as an employee, I got a Ph.D. in pure/applied math. I didn't appreciate that in fact, in reality, in the US, a Ph.D. is intended for people who want to be devoted to an academic career and put up with being, in my view, financially irresponsible. I had zero interest in being a professor.
The academic work and my independent study are crucial parts of my startup, but the Ph.D. was a very inefficient way to get some help on some of the parts. I conclude that, generally, a Ph.D. is more trouble than it is worth and financially irresponsible. Learning can be important, but a Ph.D. is an inefficient way to do it.
(3) Stock
At one time the founder, CEO of FedEx told me
"You know, if you stay you are in line for $500,000 in FedEx stock."
I was holding a really good hand but didn't know enough to play it at all well.
I didn't stay.
My father understood even less than I did. Mom, didn't have a clue.
(4) Art
In high school and through college, the teaching kept trying to get me to pay attention to art, especially literature. I didn't see the value. And the lessons in literature were not very credible, that is, I could not trust that they would really be true, say, like Newton's Second Law.
For art, I like the definition --
"The communication, interpretation of human experience, emotion."
With that definition, okay -- via art can get some views of examples of the experiences, emotions of other people. Maybe sometimes the examples do illustrate something about a lot of people and not just some one.
With that definition, I might have paid a little more attention to literature and gotten a little value from it.
Being successful with people is CRUCIAL, and understanding their possible experiences, emotions can be important for the success.
For me and art, I liked music a lot right away, some before I was 5. Explaining just why took me a while!
(5) Jobs and Marriage
Apparently some of the prosperity of the US now is due to having a lot of women working.
A lot of career paths require moving frequently. But those moves can play havoc with a marriage having two jobs. And with only one job, it can be tough financially to buy a house and do well supporting the family.
Lesson: A career that does not require moving has a big advantage in being financially secure and doing well supporting a family.
So, if you want to pursue a career that has you move or be in some really expensive place to live, then consider delaying getting married.
(6) Gossip
In an office, and maybe in much of a life, gossip can be a threat.
In an office, if you do well, then others can feel threatened and attack you with gossip.
So, apparently it is not enough to assume you are innocent until proven guilty and instead need positively to assert innocence on likely gossip accusations.
I'm no expert on how to defend against gossip, finding a good expert could be important, but I'm sure that gossip commonly is a threat. So, watch out for gossip. If it appears you have been attacked by gossip, then (ask an expert) do defend yourself.