Hm interesting. I’ve actually gotten these types of messages before, and now they seem strange. My replies were enthusiastic but did not lead to anymore than a shallow interaction, so I felt it was a waste of my time. Perhaps my cynical view, but I don’t want to be used for someone else’s need to feel like they’re connecting with someone when they’re not interested in more than a hello and hope you’re well. Those are small talk and are taxing on me :-(
Years ago I read the book, "How to Practice" by the Dalai Lama. Like any book, there were a few parts that stuck with me. Paraphrasing, one of them was:
"If you are in the right frame of mind, your worst enemy cannot hurt you. If you are in the wrong frame of mind, your best friend visiting can seem like a horrific chore."
> your best friend visiting can seem like a horrific chore
100% for me. Holidays, with non-immediate family coming over, are a nightmare. I would be happy to meet at a restaurant or bar. Prepping the house and a menu of meals, snacks, drinks, etc. is not somthing I ever enjoy. It's stress from beginning to end. I've been known to feign illness to avoid these visits.
> "If you are in the right frame of mind, your worst enemy cannot hurt you. If you are in the wrong frame of mind, your best friend visiting can seem like a horrific chore."
Can you tell me the connection to what I said?
Best friends don't send me these little text messages.
You're in such a particular frame of mind that you're missing it.
These are the extremes. At the extreme with the "wrong" (bad word, for mine) frame of mind even your best friend is horrible to talk to. You are very unusually at that extreme. Half way between the wrong frame of mind and the opposite point on that spectrum you probably want to talk to your best friend but not someone further down your ordered list of friends. How far down is the cutoff where you don't want to talk to that person at all? That tells you how far away you from the (not so much worst, but probably most introverted) frame of mind you are.
Remember your very, very best friend in the world wasn't that at some point and you had this whole journey of incidental and deliberate contact over time for them to get to be there.
Someone thinking of you and braving the reach-out rejection vibe to send you a message asking how you are, well they might not be being totally manipulative and selfish and horrible. At least mentally give them that chance, and yourself that you are worth it.
2c, ymmv, everything said may not apply to you in any way at all.
Sometimes shallow interactions are fine. Like bread in your diet, there's nothing wrong with it so long as it isn't the only interaction.
It's an opportunity for engagement. Sometimes nobody wants to take the opportunity but it's valuable to have.
If you want it to be more engaging, make it so. Ask questions in return, share good responses. "How are you?" can be answered in one word or several paragraphs.
Yeah, but it sucks when someone reaches out, you go for the paragraphs, and then you get a sentence or two back. You can try and make it engaging, but that doesn't mean both parties are looking to be engaged.
Agreed, it takes two to converse. I usually will give people a few shots at engagement before I write them off, but eventually you just need to be a realist about it.
Please don't let those experiences discourage you from continuing to reach out though.
I concur with this. In my experience, more often than not, something unexpected comes up in the reply. This leads to significantly greater interaction and, sometimes, a follow up phone call to further the connection.
