Your page is selling features, not benefits. Are you specifically aiming at a technical sort of user who understands exactly what a wiki is, or do you want to reach people who want to make decisions full-stop?
This is hardly a full rewrite since I really don't know what your product is. But just as a taster, your two key paragraphs could be simplified and made a lot punchier, like so:
Making group decisions is hard, with many opinions and choices to consider. With everyone talking at once, how can you make a decision?
Decisionero makes group decision making easy. A simple framework is provided within which to structure information and opinions, ensuring that your group acts with more insight than any one person. With a central store for information and opinions, misunderstandings can become a thing of the past.
I'd strongly suggest, however, putting together a list of both product features and benefits and then distil them into an easily scannable bullet-point list for your front page.
Oh, and you totally need a screenshot on there. Even a bad one beats nothing.
I think your idea is great and I'd like to get your advice on my copy too.
But! Is it just me, or are the above two paragraphs too salesy? Group decision making is hard, and I don't think a web service would make it easy overnight. Misunderstandings will never be a thing of the past. Pitching should not involve large blanket statements. I'm missing exactly how this web app will do it. In a paragraph. And if possible, why the idea is so compelling that I need to move my team to this service.
So I'm missing how and why. The two above paragraphs sound like blowing hot air to me.
This doesn't mean that I don't trust your copywriting ability. Maybe my intuitions are wrong and lay people go gaga with the above write-up.
I haven't used the product and, like you, I don't really know what it does, so I had to write in a very generalist way.
The key to really good copywriting is a back-to-front familiarity with the product or service you're writing about. If you don't have that, you're just making minor improvements to match a certain sound, rather than actually writing something that can push a product's marketing a long way forward.
Many thanks for this badly needed whack on the side of the head. I'd lately gotten so involved in stuff like reducing the number of SQL queries that I'd lost sight of one of the basics: push the benefits, not the features. Now completely rethinking how to get the message across.
This is hardly a full rewrite since I really don't know what your product is. But just as a taster, your two key paragraphs could be simplified and made a lot punchier, like so:
Making group decisions is hard, with many opinions and choices to consider. With everyone talking at once, how can you make a decision?
Decisionero makes group decision making easy. A simple framework is provided within which to structure information and opinions, ensuring that your group acts with more insight than any one person. With a central store for information and opinions, misunderstandings can become a thing of the past.
I'd strongly suggest, however, putting together a list of both product features and benefits and then distil them into an easily scannable bullet-point list for your front page.
Oh, and you totally need a screenshot on there. Even a bad one beats nothing.