Likewise, albeit not quite so recently (~5 months ago).
What's strange is how the poem relates to me somewhat differently being as that "gap" has already started to slowly fill. Honestly, it put a smile on my face. I love how little things like a simple poem can become so relatable to all of us.
Regardless, I'm sorry to hear of your loss. Please do give yourself time to heal--I know it sounds cliché but it's absolutely of the utmost importance. Without knowing the context, it's almost certainly for the better. It took me a while to realize that toxic people can--and WILL--drag you down no matter how much you might love them or try to work things out. Plus side is that in my case, the problem solved itself once I stopped responding to her patterns of behavior that were causing us issues!
If you need to let off some steam or just want someone anonymous to talk at, feel free to email me at my HN username at gmail.com. Having been down that road not all that long ago, I know how you feel.
Thank you very much for your reply, I really appreciate it and it resonates with me. It wasn’t so recent, but as you said things take some time to heal.
Relationships sometimes end in a sunk cost fallacy: you’ve spent so much time with someone, you think you have to fix the broken relationship at any cost, even if you’re the only one who’s still invested. And that leads to toxicity and being taken advantage of.
> It wasn’t so recent, but as you said things take some time to heal.
It does. Even last month (this ended in May--just 4 days after my birthday) I had a regression catching myself thinking about things. Usually little things. Stupid little things. Maybe I'd across something funny and thought briefly about sharing it with her only to realize that cutting off all communication is a one-way street. You can't go back. If you do, you risk opening those old wounds.
I know this isn't a popular place to say this, so I won't dwell on it, but what helped me immensely was getting back into church. Networking with other people whose compassion gave me an outlet was a tremendous relief.
I think that's the real key though: Having a support network is the most important keystone in paving a road to success after personal hurt. It's not easy, and you're right--it takes a lot of time. A dear friend whom I made through this told me, using his own experiences (he lost his son just 2 years ago) as a guide: You can get bitter or you can get better. It's a choice.
> you think you have to fix the broken relationship at any cost
This really hit home. Mine wasn't bad (or abusive), but even in spite of it, I felt exactly that way. If things went south for whatever reason, I wanted nothing more than to recover it back to the prior state. Love is hard, but the fear of losing that love is even harder.
Honestly, if I were smart, there were a number of red flags that should've been an indication I needed escape the situation. But, I wasn't. I fully accept that my choices were entirely stupid and motivated by the fact that I didn't want to hurt her. (It sounds ridiculous typing this out since I feel I'm just trying to rationalize it ex post facto, but it's how I felt at the time.)
> And that leads to toxicity and being taken advantage of.
...even if sometimes that "being taken advantage of" is strictly emotional!
I think what made it worse for me was that we were very close friends before the relationship started, and during it. Losing a romantic interest is one thing; losing someone who was your best friend for so long? That's much harder. The only way I could mentally rationalize it in the beginning was to pretend she passed away. In a strange series of mental gymnastics, I guess she did. She transformed into someone I didn't recognize (fancy title in front of her name; justified treating me differently), and that friend I had for so long honestly did die--at her own hands.
I know that as this post ages, there'll be others who stumble on it and wonder why the heck I typed all this out. Then there'll be those few who read our conversation here and realize that, yes!, things really do get better. It hurts. It sucks. You'll dwell on it for a while. But you can't dwell on it forever! For my part, a new gal has taken my interest from church, and I'm hoping to grow a new friendship just to see where the path leads. I was worried I wouldn't keep my heart open to such things; but, I realized that if I closed it off, I was letting that other person inflict harm on my future relationships. That's not fair to anyone, and it's giving a person who's no longer in my life far too much control that they don't deserve.
I'm going to cherish that poem. Ironically, I hadn't intended to browse HN tonight, then came across this headline.
Sorry about the lengthy post. Your comment really impacted me and made me take a moment to reflect on everything.
What's strange is how the poem relates to me somewhat differently being as that "gap" has already started to slowly fill. Honestly, it put a smile on my face. I love how little things like a simple poem can become so relatable to all of us.
Regardless, I'm sorry to hear of your loss. Please do give yourself time to heal--I know it sounds cliché but it's absolutely of the utmost importance. Without knowing the context, it's almost certainly for the better. It took me a while to realize that toxic people can--and WILL--drag you down no matter how much you might love them or try to work things out. Plus side is that in my case, the problem solved itself once I stopped responding to her patterns of behavior that were causing us issues!
If you need to let off some steam or just want someone anonymous to talk at, feel free to email me at my HN username at gmail.com. Having been down that road not all that long ago, I know how you feel.