It can be quite a minefield. I worked with a guy whose chit-chat policy was disconcerting - stating the bleedin' obvious.
"You are in early today!"
"You are in late today!"
"You are on time today!"
"Wearing the red shirt again, I see!"
"Got your hair cut!"
While this 'say what you see' served as a functional ice-breaker, as an introvert I found it strangely confrontational, almost like an interrogation. I felt like I was having to justify myself, as there was no obvious opening for a meaningful reply otherwise (simply saying 'yes' hardly cuts it). Of course, that was all on me, he had no idea I was reacting in such a way.
I’ve discovered that being quiet and/or not very responsive to inane chatter is both rather intimidating to some people, and makes you mysterious, so they continue to ask questions that seem obvious and/or inappropriately personal.
Of course a few people are unsalvageably annoying, but what this behavior sometimes means is they want to have some sort of conversation with you, but they don’t know how. They may be nervous about saying something wrong, and going for safe statements. One trick that has worked for me: acknowledge the statement with a smile and reply with a complete change of subject, asking them a question about their work or life. Statements don’t require a response, so don’t respond, but ask them a question instead that guides the conversation in a direction that’s interesting or at least tolerable for you. If you can appear interested, or better yet actually learn about the person and find some shared interests and/or shared context, you may be able to permanently change the annoying greetings into chit-chat you like.
I try to deflect these types of statement with humor when possible. Comments about time are meet with the Gandalf quote, "A wizard is never late, [...] nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to."
Yes, but then you are somewhat assuming the mantle of the resident stand-up comedian, might be hard to live up to!
(Funny enough, I did brainstorm solutions as thought experiments. The one I saw working was to mercilessly point out what he was doing, every time he did it. "A-ha! Captain Obvious speaks!" "Got any obvious observations for me today?". But that would have been staggeringly cruel, after all the poor guy was only trying to be friendly!)
Given the level of sarcasm that goes on in my own household, I don't know if I'd be able to resist saying "Aye, Captain!" if someone habitually greeted me with obvious observations all the time. I'm used to saying that pretty regularly to my seven- and nine-year-old kids.
Oh god this is totally me haha. I worked as a cashier for 8ish years before getting into tech so I think it is just ingrained in me to notice inane details and use them to start conversations. It sounds like this person is just picking really really boring facts to attempt to start the conversation with.
So my problem with THIS is that it is a very unbalanced conversation. He makes the zero-effort opener, and then I have to perform the heavy lifting. (Of course, I could just get in first ;-)
For one reason or another, I've developed a sort of office-eating-phobia. There was a period where, in order to feel OK and not pass out at my desk, I packed a tupperware container with Greek yogurt and almond butter. I think it tastes amazing, kind of like cheesecake, and with the high-fat/high-protein content, keeps me satisfied for 4 hours, so I don't have to think about lunch til 2-3pm, and even then I could just go for another snack. But I couldn't STAND what people would say to me or what they'd ask about my food. I felt very uncomfortable having to "explain" what I'm eating, it's something I need to work on.
I avoided the office kitchen at all costs to prevent this sort of small-talk. My routine would be retrieving my food from the fridge as fast as humanly possible, eating at my desk, and then spending my actual lunch break reading a book someplace. Ask me anything, just leave my food alone.
The worst was when I'd reheat some meat-and-veggie entree I made the night before, and people would say "wow, smells good!" What the hell am I supposed to say to this? "Yup..." I think I have office-trauma-induced-asperger's now....
Yes, it actually is. I'm just a temp. I'm flattered that you asked that, but I'm in no position to hire anyone; I'm a deadbeat Slavophile trying to masquerade as an IT expert.
Agreed. Or when anyone comments on your food in general. Like at the grocery store, that's the one that irks me the most. "Ohhh someone is having a BBQ!!". "You know, I should try this wine". Stuff like that.
>While this 'say what you see' served as a functional ice-breaker, as an introvert I found it strangely confrontational, almost like an interrogation
On the other hand, why see "introvert" or "extrovert" as something that you essentially are, and not an accidental attribute, one can, and perhaps should, work on?
In that case, his 'say what you see' routine would be a good testing ground to stop caring as much for the supposed "confrontation"...
I would say it's something you should work _with_ not _on_. Being introverted means you gain your energy from time alone and you typically drain energy in social settings. It doesn't mean you can't function around others, but that your alone-time is not optional.
Learning that about myself and figuring out how to work with that has made life a lot easier.
> In that case, his 'say what you see' routine would be a good testing ground to stop caring as much for the supposed "confrontation"...
You are quite right here - it is a perfect learning opportunity. After all, I know it is coming, and so can prepare for it. I did make my peace with it in the end, the key was to connect on a deeper social level so we could talk about something more interesting. Essentially just ignoring the captain obvious opener in the same way you skip past 'how are you?' as a greeting, not a question.
If someone seemed to not like talking I’d probably do this a few times and then stop. However if someone seems untrustworthy/manipulative in work settings one of my responses is to say incredibly mundane things to them.
I worked with someone who rotated the same asinine 1/2 dozen or so comments about me and my appearance or arrival time etc. It annoyed the shit out of me, but, I also realized he probably didn't know another way. Sometimes people are trying to find any way, in their limited ability, to connect with someone who is clearly smarter than they are. So they pick on you. A good first attempt to stop this is to try to connect with them. Sometimes that stops this behavior.
This really doesn't fall into the 'I need to report this person' category, but, my guy didn't stop even when I got to know him.
So, realizing he was stuck in a loop I came up with my own canned, corny, responses.
'Got your hair cut!' --> 'No, I got them all cut!'
'You are early today!' --> 'Yep, I couldn't wait to be here!'
'Red shirt today!' --> 'Yep, I read it before I put it on!'
Note: These are not confrontational.
Two things happened.
1. I didn't have to think about what to say but once, then I repeated that. Cognitive offload.
2. He began to recognize how repetitive he was and eventually he either said 'good morning' or nothing. A win for everyone.
I have a million stories of idiots at work who are intimidated by the smart, quiet computer guy and so they pull dumb shit like this.
The one I hate the most is when someone gives you a nickname.
Rarely is it flattering and I struggled with how to deal with that for a long time. We intentionally don't call each other names in my family so it was always bit jarring. I tried everything: getting mad, addressing it directly nicely, ignoring it hoping it would stop, joking about it.
Nothing worked, until I tried the following.
The very first time someone gave me a nickname, I immediately gave them one. It doesn't have to be mean, just anything really. If it has a little stank on it thats ok too. Just don't get personal. Idiots will give you a nickname and smile. So, do that too, smile. Then every single time you hear it, you say their nickname. You don't call them their nickname except as a response to hearing yours. That's the key. If you use it outside of this context it does not communicate your message.
Eventually they will stop or find someone else to annoy.
Just a small tip since this entire thread is about socializing effectively, referring to yourself as extremely smart and others as morons bothering you with their attempts at friendship will not earn you points.
In general if you think you are smart the best way to demonstrate that is not by telling people about it. To paraphrase Geto Boys: “real gangstas don’t flex nuts cause real gangstas know they got em”
Excellent point, thank you. I agree. I meant 'idiot' in the pejorative sense and I felt my audience was the quiet computer types. Your point is well taken though because people can be smart in a lot of different ways.
this was so unexpected to read here (though i suppose the presence of that song in office space allowed it to permeate into geek culture) but I really appreciate you using their words to make a salient point. rip bushwick bill
While this 'say what you see' served as a functional ice-breaker, as an introvert I found it strangely confrontational, almost like an interrogation. I felt like I was having to justify myself, as there was no obvious opening for a meaningful reply otherwise (simply saying 'yes' hardly cuts it). Of course, that was all on me, he had no idea I was reacting in such a way.