I was more 'numb' and going with 'the flow'...doing what my wife wanted..cause I really didn't want/care about anything. Life was just a surreal numbness, so why not just let her be happy if I couldn't be... But now I find joy in so many things, I get angry as fuck when I see someone on tv hurting a little child in a movie or on the news, I have new dad emotions I never knew existed.
I cry whenever I hear the song Fade in / Fade out, because I know someday I'll cease to exist and my kids will go on without me, and I worry about how they will do, or what I'll miss... I also traded depression in for 24/7 anxiety about whether or not the kids are going to find a way to kill themselves that I haven't thought about. The other day my 2 year old came out of his room with a belt wrapped around his neck... scared the shit out of me. It was hung up but apparently he climbed on something to get it down...
I'm not numb and disassociated anymore. I enjoy the now, and live for the small moments. Everyone is selfish. Even mother theresa --nobody does good works without expecting something in return. Is it selfish to have kids? I don't think so. Do dogs and cats have selfish tendencies then? What about all other animals? If so then it's just natural to be selfish and I'm just being 'natural'.
My main point was until you're a father you'll never experience the whole gamut of life's experiences and will miss out on something amazing -- getting to relive your childhood through your kids. Not to mention children tend to keep you younger longer, mine will be graduating when I'm almost 60.
With respect... at no point did you even describe the impetus to have kids as a means of gifting someone else an existence. You describe your reasoning as being entirely for your own gain... So how can you not see it as selfish?
Does that mean it's WRONG? No. I'm not saying you're a bad person, or that you did the wrong thing. You're 100% right when you say that it's "natural". I'd even say that for the community at-large, NOT having kids is more detrimental than otherwise.
I just can't bring myself to do it though. When I think about having kids I immediately see my hypothetical child, in my minds eye, being born with cerebral palsy, or childhood leukemia, or bi polar disorder. How could I look them in the eye and say, I'm sorry? I'm sorry, I knew it was a risk and I still chose to roll the dice. I'm sorry that I struggled my entire life with finding meaning, and true happiness, but I still chose to bring you into this to fill a void in myself. Now you get to suffer, like I did, until you choose to bring another life here.
No. It stops here.
Clearly, I disagree with the natural state of things. I don't think it's fair to subject someone to a life they didn't ask to live when you simply can't guarantee them anything. Their life isn't, or rather shouldn't, be in my hands. I'm not god.
Someone should assess whether they want this or not. Life is one big dice roll, and they should be able to assess the risk themselves before taking the plunge. Obviously that's not possible. Obviously the world I describe isn't the one we live in.
I cry whenever I hear the song Fade in / Fade out, because I know someday I'll cease to exist and my kids will go on without me, and I worry about how they will do, or what I'll miss... I also traded depression in for 24/7 anxiety about whether or not the kids are going to find a way to kill themselves that I haven't thought about. The other day my 2 year old came out of his room with a belt wrapped around his neck... scared the shit out of me. It was hung up but apparently he climbed on something to get it down...
I'm not numb and disassociated anymore. I enjoy the now, and live for the small moments. Everyone is selfish. Even mother theresa --nobody does good works without expecting something in return. Is it selfish to have kids? I don't think so. Do dogs and cats have selfish tendencies then? What about all other animals? If so then it's just natural to be selfish and I'm just being 'natural'.
My main point was until you're a father you'll never experience the whole gamut of life's experiences and will miss out on something amazing -- getting to relive your childhood through your kids. Not to mention children tend to keep you younger longer, mine will be graduating when I'm almost 60.