I probably should post this from a throwaway, but whatever...burn the boats.
I’m currently prepping for an interview at one of the big tech companies. It’s hard to push aside the thought that I’m a nobody who at best will spend years nipping at the toes of the hyper privileged individuals who are no more capable than me (in theory), yet who, because of their birth rights (parents, wealth, connections, etc), are in a position of power where their subjective desires will dictate what I do and say with my life (at least 1/3 of it, including the 1/3 where I’m unconscious). It’s even harder to think that as time goes on, this paradigm will only grow further. Just thinking about the updates I’ll make to my resume to pass the test, and how I’ll have to squeeze in the right buzz words all while displaying a cheery demeanor as though this is all a favor to me - it saddens me. And then I consider how in 5, 20, 50 years this whole process will be that much more nuanced and invasive...
This describes me exactly. I've been self-employed for over a decade, I do very well at it, I have a growing "side hustle" helping other freelancers and consultants build stronger businesses, and it's close to taking over as my dominant source of income.
But every six to twelve months I just get really, really tired and I think about getting a job at one of the big tech companies. I think I could probably make as much or more over the next 10-20 years as I will working for myself, and it doesn't seem like the worst gig. It seems emotionally much easier than what I'm doing now.
But one of the biggest things that holds me back is the feeling you describe of just being a nobody cog in the wheel. Can I do that? It sounds crushing, but I can't decide if that's my ego, me being unrealistic, me placing too much value and identity on career and work and money, etc.
When I was in my 20s, I had an opportunity to go work directly for a founder of one of these companies. Everyone knows his name. He was looking for a family tech manager to basically manage all the technology for his houses around the world, yachts, private jets, etc. I deliberated for days about even interviewing for this gig. I did, but didn't get the job in the end. Maybe for the best. But the reason I didn't know if I wanted it was that I felt pretty sure that the billionaire across the table never would have taken that job in his 20s. So why was I?
And one of the things I learned that day after spending an hour with this guy was this: he's nothing special. Yeah, he's smart, and he's worked hard, but I didn't see anything there that seemed foreign to me. And that's why I've been self-employed for the last decade, and why I suspect I'll never have a job again. Because it just seems unbearable to accept defeat and get a job working for someone who got lucky, yes, but also didn't just accept defeat and get a job when it was on the table for them.
Thanks for the insight. I’ve only been working independently for a short two years and I’m constantly wondering if I should feel as weak as I do about it. Your analogy is very meaningful. You’re right - that billionaire never would have taken the job. Not that my goal is to be a billionaire (a few million would suffice XD), but more to be in a position where I get to call the shots in my own life.
I’m currently prepping for an interview at one of the big tech companies. It’s hard to push aside the thought that I’m a nobody who at best will spend years nipping at the toes of the hyper privileged individuals who are no more capable than me (in theory), yet who, because of their birth rights (parents, wealth, connections, etc), are in a position of power where their subjective desires will dictate what I do and say with my life (at least 1/3 of it, including the 1/3 where I’m unconscious). It’s even harder to think that as time goes on, this paradigm will only grow further. Just thinking about the updates I’ll make to my resume to pass the test, and how I’ll have to squeeze in the right buzz words all while displaying a cheery demeanor as though this is all a favor to me - it saddens me. And then I consider how in 5, 20, 50 years this whole process will be that much more nuanced and invasive...
This describes me exactly. I've been self-employed for over a decade, I do very well at it, I have a growing "side hustle" helping other freelancers and consultants build stronger businesses, and it's close to taking over as my dominant source of income.
But every six to twelve months I just get really, really tired and I think about getting a job at one of the big tech companies. I think I could probably make as much or more over the next 10-20 years as I will working for myself, and it doesn't seem like the worst gig. It seems emotionally much easier than what I'm doing now.
But one of the biggest things that holds me back is the feeling you describe of just being a nobody cog in the wheel. Can I do that? It sounds crushing, but I can't decide if that's my ego, me being unrealistic, me placing too much value and identity on career and work and money, etc.
When I was in my 20s, I had an opportunity to go work directly for a founder of one of these companies. Everyone knows his name. He was looking for a family tech manager to basically manage all the technology for his houses around the world, yachts, private jets, etc. I deliberated for days about even interviewing for this gig. I did, but didn't get the job in the end. Maybe for the best. But the reason I didn't know if I wanted it was that I felt pretty sure that the billionaire across the table never would have taken that job in his 20s. So why was I?
And one of the things I learned that day after spending an hour with this guy was this: he's nothing special. Yeah, he's smart, and he's worked hard, but I didn't see anything there that seemed foreign to me. And that's why I've been self-employed for the last decade, and why I suspect I'll never have a job again. Because it just seems unbearable to accept defeat and get a job working for someone who got lucky, yes, but also didn't just accept defeat and get a job when it was on the table for them.
Enough rambling, back to work!