I'm non-monogamous. I'm pretty flexible about the exact arrangement (because I'm bi and I'm ok with tailoring my approach to my partner's comfort level) but the only thing I really can't do is fullblown monogamy.
That being said:
Poly has severe complications that most people in it don't really advertise. High status, attractive men are much more likely to get partners. This can lead to a dynamic where an average looking male partner is theoretically allowed to date other people, but if he's honest with potential partners about being in an existing open relationship then the pool of women willing to date him evaporates. Meanwhile, his female partner ends up dating men that in a normal monogamous context would be difficult for her to attain, potentially destabilizing the relationship.
Then you throw sex into the whole equation. Reasonably good chance that you're not going be the best sex your partner has ever had forever. Or even if everything is great, you could be someone else's best sex ever, and it could destabilize their primary relationship and it could cause real hurt to both of them.
Meanwhile, less than average looking or low status men date even less than they used to. The whole incel movement will just get worse if the whole world goes poly because men are generally less picky than women and are happier with lots of casual partners.
This isn't always the case, of course. Some people can handle jealousy. Some people can compartmentalize different sexual experiences, but most humans struggle with it. Monogamy has a stability that I don't see as frequently with poly relationships. Though many people cheat, of course.
> he's honest with potential partners about being in an existing open relationship then the pool of women willing to date him evaporates
I believe already having one or more lovers makes you much more attractive since the fact that those people chose you (among others) means you are probably a good choice.
Also, it helps you be outcome-independent (i.e. you don't care as much about whether a girl you are talking to wants to have sex with you, since you already have other girls for that), which is thought to be at least part of what makes males attractive.
Of course you won't be able to have fulfilling and honest relationships with people that insist on monogamy, but the opposite is true as well.
>> he's honest with potential partners about being in an existing open relationship then the pool of women willing to date him evaporates
> I believe already having one or more lovers makes you much more attractive since the fact that those people chose you (among others) means you are probably a good choice.
Attractive to steal or attractive to share? That's an important and relevant difference.
If you make it clear that you are already have friends with benefits (or in fact just that you are only interested in that kind of arrangement), that that's your lifestyle choice and that holding to your values is the most important thing to you, "stealing" is not really an option.
I think you misunderstand. Whatever extra appeal you have to potential partners from having other people who "chose you (among others)" may be effectively negated because you're unwilling to abandon those others for the new partner. The people you attract probably don't want to share you.
So you and the person you were responding to can both be right. You're made "more attractive" but the "pool of women willing to date [you still] evaporates.
>Meanwhile, less than average looking or low status men date even less than they used to. The whole incel movement will just get worse if the whole world goes poly because men are generally less picky than women and are happier with lots of casual partners.
This seems to be saying that women should be required to "settle" for lousy men, instead of going for better men and accepting that they have to share them.
If a woman has a choice between being a co-wife for a guy who's reasonably attractive and well-employed and treats his partners really well, or a guy who's a drunk bum but will be monogamous with her, which is the more sensible choice?
Also, another factor I think is being ignored is the fact that, over the age of 30, there's more women than men (and this gets progressively worse as the age increases). Monogamy necessarily leads to a lot of unpartnered women.
I actually agree with you here to some extent. Women that are happy to be a co-wife of (or in a triad with) a man I think are, generally speaking, better off. You're certainly right that there are a lot of single women over 30; though in some respects I think they got the worse deal in life. They reached peak mating potential at around 25-29, and lowering standards is so much more difficult than raising them.
Though in some respects you're setting up a bit of a false dichotomy. It isn't that women can get these great guys now with no downside. The reality on the ground looks a lot more like women that want a single, longterm partner who is fully faithful to them find that the very attractive poly men that they date never want to settle down. They want to continue to be open to other relationships. I'm not sure if women really win in this hypothetical future. Most of the high status poly men I know end up with a hot young girlfriend and an appropriately aged wife and tension builds as time goes on.
I want to make it clear that none of what I'm saying is firmly grounded in a clear understanding of the truth. I'm trying to express the muddy way I understand things without assuming too much. I'm sure I'm missing part of this, though I'm not sure which part.
That being said:
Poly has severe complications that most people in it don't really advertise. High status, attractive men are much more likely to get partners. This can lead to a dynamic where an average looking male partner is theoretically allowed to date other people, but if he's honest with potential partners about being in an existing open relationship then the pool of women willing to date him evaporates. Meanwhile, his female partner ends up dating men that in a normal monogamous context would be difficult for her to attain, potentially destabilizing the relationship.
Then you throw sex into the whole equation. Reasonably good chance that you're not going be the best sex your partner has ever had forever. Or even if everything is great, you could be someone else's best sex ever, and it could destabilize their primary relationship and it could cause real hurt to both of them.
Meanwhile, less than average looking or low status men date even less than they used to. The whole incel movement will just get worse if the whole world goes poly because men are generally less picky than women and are happier with lots of casual partners.
This isn't always the case, of course. Some people can handle jealousy. Some people can compartmentalize different sexual experiences, but most humans struggle with it. Monogamy has a stability that I don't see as frequently with poly relationships. Though many people cheat, of course.