Your problem is no-doubt multi-faceted, and IMO there's no universal answer that works for everybody, and you need to remember to take every answer you get here with a grain of salt. Take what applies to you, and leave the rest.
I would recommend immediately reaching out in person to friends or family that you trust. If you have nobody that you trust with this, reach out to a suicide hotline. There's a national one at 800-273-8255. If you forget the number just google "national suicide hotline" and it should be a google-supplied first search result.
After reaching out for help, I think you should focus on treating the underlying depression that is leading to the suicidal thoughts. Here are a few things you might try:
1. Get your vitamin d level checked. This might sound like a funny thing to do, but many studies have shown links between vitamin d insufficiency/deficiency and depression. The specific test you want is the "25-hydroxy vitamin-d test." Some 60% of Americans have inadequate levels, and that number goes up the darker your skin gets. For hackers and other knowledge-workers, my guess is that the number is much higher, because we are inside all day. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-mark-hyman/vitamin-d-why-yo...
2. Exercise. Even if it's just walking around the block with your girlfriend, or brother, or dog, or mom, or alone. If there's a sport you used to play but don't anymore, pick it up. Climb rocks, or fence, or box, or ski. Dance, or fly kites, or garden, or whatever. But whatever you do, get physically active. Your body needs that, especially when you are feeling down. You would be surprised how much better you feel after some good physical activity.
3. Take things off your plate. You are not a machine. Shoot, even machines need rest. Don't take too much on your plate. Remember that even (especially) the most successful people take breaks and prioritize.
4. Remember that you aren't alone and you aren't crazy. Life throws us crap like this to make us stronger, and so we can relate to others' suffering. Remember that there is purpose in all your suffering.
5. Love your life, poor as it is. The journey is 9/10 of the fun. Laugh at it when it sucks, and realize that it's not as bad as it seems. Also don't acquire the "if only" disease. "if only i had this, then I'd be happy...." Acheiving milestones is awesome, and feels great, but then you go back to the journey -- the 9/10. Enjoy it all, and live in the now.
I would recommend immediately reaching out in person to friends or family that you trust. If you have nobody that you trust with this, reach out to a suicide hotline. There's a national one at 800-273-8255. If you forget the number just google "national suicide hotline" and it should be a google-supplied first search result.
After reaching out for help, I think you should focus on treating the underlying depression that is leading to the suicidal thoughts. Here are a few things you might try:
1. Get your vitamin d level checked. This might sound like a funny thing to do, but many studies have shown links between vitamin d insufficiency/deficiency and depression. The specific test you want is the "25-hydroxy vitamin-d test." Some 60% of Americans have inadequate levels, and that number goes up the darker your skin gets. For hackers and other knowledge-workers, my guess is that the number is much higher, because we are inside all day. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-mark-hyman/vitamin-d-why-yo...
2. Exercise. Even if it's just walking around the block with your girlfriend, or brother, or dog, or mom, or alone. If there's a sport you used to play but don't anymore, pick it up. Climb rocks, or fence, or box, or ski. Dance, or fly kites, or garden, or whatever. But whatever you do, get physically active. Your body needs that, especially when you are feeling down. You would be surprised how much better you feel after some good physical activity.
3. Take things off your plate. You are not a machine. Shoot, even machines need rest. Don't take too much on your plate. Remember that even (especially) the most successful people take breaks and prioritize.
4. Remember that you aren't alone and you aren't crazy. Life throws us crap like this to make us stronger, and so we can relate to others' suffering. Remember that there is purpose in all your suffering.
5. Love your life, poor as it is. The journey is 9/10 of the fun. Laugh at it when it sucks, and realize that it's not as bad as it seems. Also don't acquire the "if only" disease. "if only i had this, then I'd be happy...." Acheiving milestones is awesome, and feels great, but then you go back to the journey -- the 9/10. Enjoy it all, and live in the now.