Which begs the question: if you had been married at the time, would you have left your then-spouse for your current wife as a result of being so close at work?
Hypothetical, naturally. For many people who are in the wife's role of that question, that situation is all too real.
"Conventional wisdom holds that colleagues shouldn’t get too close, but the changing nature of the workplace is throwing traditional human resources manuals out the window."
I hate it when people just make up stuff. "They say that cucumbers were once used as weapons".
It depends on the nature of the company. In some situations (ie. corporate turnarounds) it can be hard to make tough decisions if you're overly concerned about the personal feelings attached to each decision. This can create paralysis. It's also very hard to fire people in situations when everyone is buddy/buddy.
I once worked for one of the biggest banks in my country and when the branch manager and a random employee made their relationship public the lower employee was put in another branch.
Is it okay for a female to find a work spouse in another female? Is it okay to have multiple work wives? I am a guy and there are guys at office who I trust, have the same sense of humor etc. Am I work-gay? I don't get this.
Gay/Straight is a biological affair, I guess when you stay in the realm of the mental/platonic it does not really matter.
That reminds me of the Vampire stories of Anne Rice in which vampires had all sort of gay/straight/incestuous love affairs. I thought that was strange (as a teen), but it actually really make sense when you remove sex (bodily functions in general for vampire) and biology from the equation.
Conversely a couple of years ago I made a conscious effort to significantly separate my work and personal lives, and I feel a lot better for it.
I'm still friendly with people in office hours and join for company socials, but no one here connects to me on "social media" and there are a very select few who or socialise with more generally. Yes, I sometimes miss out on a few things, but I think I've gained far more in terms of being able to shut off when I go home if nothing else.
Perhaps it makes me less loyal, but before that time my loyalty was somewhat abused so I don't feel at all bad about that, and I still do the "above and beyond" thing when genuinely needed, more so than others I could mention, particularly under the new regime who I currently trust more than the last lot to give a fig about my needs.
I also keep my work and personal life separate and can't be happier about it. I don't give my personal phone number, online names or even email to anyone just because we work together. It's not 100% rule, if I find mutual interest with a certain person I work with I might want to keep a contact outside of working hours, but these are exceptions, not the rule.
I've been asked for my online identity few times during job interviews, but a polite response of "Sorry, I don't use my personal Facebook, Google+, Twitter etc. for business matters" did the trick and I was offered these positions anyway.
Who do you feel less loyal to? I only ask as I essentially try to keep the same boundaries but don't feel less loyal. I actually feel more loyal as I have more _focused_ time for the company, but this is probably just a rationalization on my part.
Edit: My question is more along the lines of: Do you feel less loyal to the company or to the people within the company?
I feel less overly loyal to the company, having found a more healthy balance. I still think I put more in than some though that is through a mix of professional and personal pride more than loyalty (though I suppose loyalty is part of that). That may change with time as the new regime does seem determined to do some things right that the previous did no more than pay lip service to.
To the people: I'm more selectively loyal than I once was. There are even still some that I actively socialise with (though there is still a social media disconnect). Though even with the social media disconnect, nothing I post isn't public or something that I'd be fine with becoming public (if it were private I'd communicate it by other means) so if they or the company want to monitor me that way they can do.
Agreed. The idea of marriage does not really apply in the relationship described. If you have a great colleague, you don't need to name that relationship with a term like "work husband" or "work wife" which btw puts gender into the equation where it isn't necessary. What's wrong with saying "work buddy" or something else that more accurately represents the relationship.
In the Navy, we refer to these partners as "boat boos". There are varying levels of intimacy, but many are just close friends who aren't so close anymore when the ship returns to home port and everyone goes back to their real lives/wives.
This can apply to single people who have work as their connection, look forward to seeing each other during the work day, but then leave it all at the office when they go home.
Yes, I don't get why we need that "wife/husband/spouse" name instead of "friend" or "buddy"? Wife/husband/spouse sounds very intimate, and I don't think it's a good idea to imply something intimate with your coworker (unless you really like her/him and plan to advance, but that's another problem). Also, I don't think my girlfriend would be excited either when I text her back: "oh, don't worry, I'm just having dinner with my work-wife".
I can only speak for myself, but it is a more intimate relationship than that of a work friend. "Intimate" doesn't mean "romantic."
I spend much more time interacting with my work spouse than with any other co-worker. We trust each other with things we wouldn't necessarily take to other work friends, like plans for our careers. We also provide for each other: snacks, Tylenol, contact solution, a fresh pen, whatever.
It's like the trouble with design patterns: it is perfectly reasonable to assign a name to some pattern you can repeatedly observe in reality, but that does not necessarily turn them into a good guideline.
Personally, I have seen the pattern quite often, but never saw a name for it until today. A "foodies group" kind of relationship, that happens to be strengthened by things that might have lead to something romantic had they met in a different context. Even the name chosen hints at it not being an overly romantic state: it skips right over date, girlfriend/boyfriend, bride/groom to the wife/husband stage which can be more like a well worn in mechanism than like an uncontrolled infatuation in many cases. It (jokingly) references marriage as in "old couple", not as in "a pact to raise children".
There are too many experts inventing new areas of expertise.
We thought that new tech would create a world of leisure, but, on the contrary, we created a world where we work on stupid concepts. Our work world is so meaningless that people invent new and stupid concepts trying to find some meaning, and then people in need of income, become experts on these concepts, in order to sell meaningless books on meaningless subjects for people having meaningless jobs.
I think the problem here is that the word 'friend' in US English means someone you know, but are not necessarily really close to (should really be described as an 'acquaintance'). People usually use 'good friend' or 'BFF' to describe actual friendship.
Friend has many different meanings, all depending on context. Saying that in the US it only means 'someone you're acquainted with' is simply choosing to ignore all the other uses.
I don't consider myself friends with my work spouse, and I don't consider my friends at work to be work spouses. Thanks for describing the most accurate term for this particular real human relationship of mine as "stupid."
Yes it is a real thing, one of the two ladies smoking near me said to the other that her daughter's work husband is leaving the company. I was like WTF did I just hear and I asked her what is work husband, she explained the concept and made it very clear that nothing is going on.
Only two people in McBride and Bergen’s survey reported having romantic feelings or flirting with their work spouse.
Or perhaps: s/reported/admitted/
I honestly have no idea what this article is trying to say. I've had male and female friends at workplaces, and those friendships have sometimes (not always, but sometimes) continued when we stopped working together. The word "spouse" never came into it, but the word "friend" (rather than "colleague") certainly did, you know, after a bit.
We use the terms "work brother" and "work sister" to describe this on my team. It allows us to acknowledge close relationships without any negative connotations.
That works, too, but you don't get to choose your brothers and sisters. It makes more sense to describe teammates like that, though, since you have to work with them whether you like them or not.
True. I've never thought of a work spouse as something intentionally chosen either, though. And the term isn't used by everyone in the room to describe everyone else. We sometimes say "work coworker" as a joke to describe aloof/standoffish peers.
The level of involvement you have with a work spouse is something you choose to create. No one is dictating the terms of the relationship. Management can assign you to a team and give you teammates, but they can't say that this person or that person is your work spouse. You decide whom to confide in.
No, I have to disagree. Personally, I have a wide gamut of relationships at work. I'm lucky enough to work with my wife and many of my college friends, and I have several "work friends" and a work spouse. They're all quite different. I'd never describe my work spouse as a "friend."
The article describes them as "a significant, but platonic, other whom you pair up with at the office". To me that's what a close friend is (as opposed to an acquaintance etc). I've definitely had friends like that at work, and usually only one or two at any given job.
Again, I'm speaking personally, I'm aware other people have different experiences and different opinions. That said:
Work is not the most important thing in my life. A friend is a person who is meaningful to me outside of work. A work friend is someone who is meaningful to me only at work. I can be friends with someone from work, but that is quite a shift that I haven't made with many people.
A work spouse is someone I'm quite a bit closer to than a work friend, but that person still isn't a friend in the meaning I ascribe to the term.
I talk to work friends about what movies we've seen, which browser we prefer, who has the most annoying laugh in the office, whatever. But we don't generally talk about how we expect our reviews to go, what teams we'd like to manage, etc.
Conversely, I do talk about that stuff with my work wife. If I'm not sure about how best to convey that I think an assignment is a waste of time, I talk it over with her, not with the guy on the fifth floor I exchange TV show reviews with.
I like my work wife quite a bit, and I value her opinions and trust her with mine, but we've never been to each other's home. We don't make plans for weekend outings. We've never seen each other drunk. She's not a friend. If she leaves the company, I probably won't keep in touch. Part of the point of a work spouse is the shared experience of the place of employment. That's why it's "work" spouse and not "professional" spouse.
I could see a work spouse becoming a close friend, sure. But one doesn't imply the other.
Thanks for the explanation. Curious to know this - when and to whom do you usually mention this term (work-spouse). As for me, I have never had a need to use a term that represents such kind of work relationship, "a good colleague" usually conveys the message.
Words mean things. Trying to be PC or "clever" to try to advance an agenda is disingenuous.
If I had a work spouse, does that mean I get alimony when we move on? If we're emotionally close enough to be considered "spouses" do we get special company policies designed to give us special privileges? If we split do we get a "work-divorce" and fight over our "child" projects"? If I have more than one "work spouse" at a time does that make make me a "work polygamist" subject to sanction by HR?
My general rule is no appearance of impropriety now that I'm married. That means I will usually not go to lunch alone with a female coworker we always go in groups. I don't talk about my personal life outside of pleasantries, only social network connection I will have is on linkedIn. Even if physical infidelity is avoided, it's too easy to get involved in an emotional affair with someone you spend one third of your waking weekday hours with and since you are in the same industry, by definition you have a lot of the same interest.
Unless it's urgent. No direct messages on Slack after work hours.
The same goes with sports, school-projects, startups. Having a "partner" (as I like to call it) motivates you a lot, and really brings the best in you out. Also having a common goal is huge, which is something you might not always have in love relationship.
I've also found it can bring you down if the partnership does not work out, and you're left alone.
I've never felt that way. Things are always best when they can be done alone, and you are either measuring yourself against yourself, or against the environment. People are unreliable and bail constantly.
Your comment saddened me. As far as we know, there are only 7.5 billion people in the entire universe. None of us would get very far alone, and on the cosmic scale, each individual is damn close to being alone. Iron sharpens iron!
There are many more examples of new concepts related to postmodernism.
Really related is the concept of 'postmodern society':
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postmodernity#Postmodern_socie...
Seriously I dont get the downvotes, but I dont care that much.
"Oh, it's just my work-wife, Sharon. We have been laughing all day at work when our boss spilled his coffee."
Yes. That is gonna work for sure.