If I may add 2cents: It sounds like you're potentially depressed, or just happen to be a nihilist.
This is not necessarily bad. It can, in fact, be a virtue. With true nihilism, comes true freedom to do anything. Right now happiness is the greatest unifying force in our society. Everyone has to be happy. It's a dictum you listen to from birth to death. Be happy. Acquire things. Do this, do that, give us money, spend spend, make more, spend more. It will make you happy. And you want to be happy because we all told you that happiness must be your ultimate goal in life.
Fuck that. There's no need to be happy. Do whatever you want.
As the great Keanu Reeves once said: "You need to be happy to live, I don't"
There are two forms of nihilism, active and passive.
Passive nihilism can be found in Schopenhauer, Zen, Buddhism, Vedanta, detachment from the self and the fulfillment of idle fantasies [desire]. It is related
to a monastic/ascetic lifestyle and can be very hard to
deal with or fully espouse when one lives an active life inside modern western society (too many distractions).
Active nihilism is best described by Nietzsche, in his concept of the Ubermensch or the Antichrist. This is a strong individual who creates and projects his own morals, imposing his own Will upon the world whilst living his own life as a work of art. John C. Lilly's concept of metaprogramming and various mystical "systems" can also be seen as forms of this discipline.
This is not necessarily bad. It can, in fact, be a virtue. With true nihilism, comes true freedom to do anything. Right now happiness is the greatest unifying force in our society. Everyone has to be happy. It's a dictum you listen to from birth to death. Be happy. Acquire things. Do this, do that, give us money, spend spend, make more, spend more. It will make you happy. And you want to be happy because we all told you that happiness must be your ultimate goal in life.
Fuck that. There's no need to be happy. Do whatever you want.
As the great Keanu Reeves once said: "You need to be happy to live, I don't"