I for one have an issue that only came to light after being in a relationship and have struggled with having to think about the facts of reality. Usually fine most days, but some dumb thing will connect the memory chain (like this HN post ironically) and down the spiral I go. It's the wandering that really does lead me astray.
That is correct. To give insight as to why it seems a little too close to hopeless, I feel the only solutions physically possible are just twisting words to make it seem okay but the hard facts remain at the end of the day. I say this maybe preemptively to your response, but I say it respectfully (or rather with no intension to disrespect your response) and, for my own health, wish to be proven wrong.
For me in the end, it's those realities that come pay me a visit when the mind wanders. To add to it, I use to relish the fun and imagination a wandering mind brought to my day. Now it's nothing more than a pain point.
I have this pretty bad. I'll tell you this much, I have had it with partners with pretty extreme sexual histories, as well as those who have had almost no sexual histories. The "hard facts" themselves are not really the issue, the issue is us; our brains. We will find the "hard facts" pretty much no matter what, and no matter who.
I've recently read this article on Reddit [0], and it has some excellent points/advice. Please read through it. If you do like what he has to say, then one way to follow this advice is to look into the concept of Mindfulness, specifically as put forward by Vipassana meditation [1].
[1] I specify Vipassana because the term mindfulness has become a world of hipster woo in recent times, and just looking into the term alone will probably take you nowhere.
I experienced this quite badly in my first relationship.
It briefly stung me in the early stages of later relationships, but I no longer seem to care.
If I think about it directly, I find it a saddening for a very brief moment, but it's nothing like it once was.
I'm not really sure when or how this changed for me. I'm an extremely monogamous person. I previously had very low self esteem. It was definitely in part a reflection of my insecurities.
I take 10mg of citalopram a day and underwent CBT partway through university due to undiagnosed anxiety, so perhaps this has played a role in my recovery.
Hope you both are doing okay, try and be kind to yourselves - I know it can be extremely difficult.
I laughed at this comment chain, because I relate to the general idea
put forward here.
I'm finding this difficult to comment on so intangibly. Try and
suspend your convictions as stupid or empty the rest of this might
seem.
You really have to change your perspective.
For me, that meant making new memories. I struggled with the reminders
of that past relationship. It overlapped very many areas of my life,
there were a few I just couldn't avoid and many were dear to me. The
good becoming bad in that aftermath, it all seemed tainted by the
past, not going anywhere.
I took a new approach altogether in those areas, piece by piece.
Sooner or later I stopped having those initial and seemingly
involuntary attachments. I don't even recognise it anymore, but I do
still remember things and it isn't always bad. It does undo itself in
time, with that new perspective.
Those hard facts are a good thing if they are part of a process. Like
grieving [1].
Our thoughts determine our feelings. You seem to have a great
awareness of your situation which has always been a good starting
point on many things for me. You can challenge your reality, the
present moment being based on what you're making of the past and not a
whole lot else (or so it seems).
Heh, that's a recently invented term for an old phenomen. When was that coined?
Fwiw, I think it's a form of bitter competitiveness. It is reduced by having more diverse sexual experience and by one's partner not dwelling on their past and showing they treat you better than they treated their ex.
Hmmm, I don't want to sound dismissive here, but from your comment I can only assume that you've never been through it.
I agree with your premise, that it probably grows out of an evolutionary need, but the treatment you mention is flat out wrong for most people who have the issue.
