> The real tough skill for a parent is being able to distinguish between a kid who's giving up at the first sign of difficulties, and a kid that's genuinely overwhelmed and unable rather than unwilling to do what they're supposed to do at that time.
I appreciate this, and it's not easy for sure. Every kid is different and they all learn at different paces.
I'm more speaking to the problem of limiting beliefs, which were a shackle to me and to many kids who failed to launch. I think even kids on ASD spectrum have some limiting beliefs -- it is a spectrum, but our tendency is to over-accommodate rather than encourage growth.
Knowing where the limits exactly lie is really difficult -- the cases you mentioned above are Goldilocks cases where folks got it just right. Most of us have bias toward either overaccommodating or forcing -- I'm more in favor of a benevolent form of the latter i.e. not giving up on trying different things, adjusting to their pace of learning of course, but still believing that the kid can do better than they think. I'm against pressuring the kid to do anything of course, but gentle nudges, helping the kid develop a minimum foundation in the tools they'll need for life, I think we can do without burning the kid out.
I can't remember the studies but I seem to recall that better outcomes were predicted for kids who were neurodiverse but had people who kept believing they could do better and kept encouraging them (as opposed to resigning to the fact that they'll never be normal, which creates a self-fulfilling prophecy).
I meet folks on the spectrum frequently and although I know something in their brain makes it difficult for them to follow social cues, I try to treat them as normally as possible because I believe that many (not all, but many) of them can achieve higher social function than they believe. It's a spectrum and nobody really knows where on the spectrum they truly are.
I always recall this dialogue by Eliza Doolittle in "My Fair Lady":
"I should never have known how ladies and gentlemen really behaved, if it hadn't been for Colonel Pickering. He always showed what he thought and felt about me as if I were something better than a common flower girl. You see, Mrs. Higgins, apart from the things one can pick up, the difference between a lady and a flower girl is not how she behaves, but how she is treated. I shall always be a common flower girl to Professor Higgins, because he always treats me like a common flower girl, and always will. But I know that I shall always be a lady to Colonel Pickering, because he always treats me like a lady, and always will."
But I do truly take your point that there is a difference between a kid who's giving up and a kid who is overwhelmed.
I appreciate this, and it's not easy for sure. Every kid is different and they all learn at different paces.
I'm more speaking to the problem of limiting beliefs, which were a shackle to me and to many kids who failed to launch. I think even kids on ASD spectrum have some limiting beliefs -- it is a spectrum, but our tendency is to over-accommodate rather than encourage growth.
Knowing where the limits exactly lie is really difficult -- the cases you mentioned above are Goldilocks cases where folks got it just right. Most of us have bias toward either overaccommodating or forcing -- I'm more in favor of a benevolent form of the latter i.e. not giving up on trying different things, adjusting to their pace of learning of course, but still believing that the kid can do better than they think. I'm against pressuring the kid to do anything of course, but gentle nudges, helping the kid develop a minimum foundation in the tools they'll need for life, I think we can do without burning the kid out.
I can't remember the studies but I seem to recall that better outcomes were predicted for kids who were neurodiverse but had people who kept believing they could do better and kept encouraging them (as opposed to resigning to the fact that they'll never be normal, which creates a self-fulfilling prophecy).
I meet folks on the spectrum frequently and although I know something in their brain makes it difficult for them to follow social cues, I try to treat them as normally as possible because I believe that many (not all, but many) of them can achieve higher social function than they believe. It's a spectrum and nobody really knows where on the spectrum they truly are.
I always recall this dialogue by Eliza Doolittle in "My Fair Lady":
"I should never have known how ladies and gentlemen really behaved, if it hadn't been for Colonel Pickering. He always showed what he thought and felt about me as if I were something better than a common flower girl. You see, Mrs. Higgins, apart from the things one can pick up, the difference between a lady and a flower girl is not how she behaves, but how she is treated. I shall always be a common flower girl to Professor Higgins, because he always treats me like a common flower girl, and always will. But I know that I shall always be a lady to Colonel Pickering, because he always treats me like a lady, and always will."
But I do truly take your point that there is a difference between a kid who's giving up and a kid who is overwhelmed.